Pondering disasters - man-made and natural

Today is the 65th anniversary of the atomic bombing of Nagasaki which killed around 80,000 in the first day or two after detonation. The 65th anniversary of the bombing of Hiroshima was on Friday, and Little Boy killed 166,000 people there in the first two days alone.

Discussion continues recently of the best way to preserve and restore Auschwitz as a historical site so the Holocaust can never be forgotten or denied.

The current floods in Pakistan are affecting around 12 million people now, and although the known death toll is only around 1500 this is mainly because many bodies have yet to be found (and probably never will) and because the diseases and famine which will kill so many more have yet to strike.

I've been thinking about these items which have come up on the news in the last few days, and wondering how to expain them to my children - to all our children. The floods are the easy part - children seem to be born with a natural appreciation of the awe-inspiring power of nature. Nature is neither good nor bad, it just is. And natural disasters happen. Though it is hard to explain why we can't help more, why rescue workers can't get to people trapped in valleys by the flood waters.

But how to explain atomic bombs and the Holocaust? In fact, I think I'd find it easier to explain atomic bomsb than the Holocaust. Obviously, children need to know and need to know thoroughly about these things, to ensure they never happen again, but bloody hell, doesn't some of your innocence die when you discover mankind is capable of such things?

Birthday

It is my daughter's 7th birthday today. So, firstly, a couple of pictures. Her birthday cake, lovingly hand-crafted by me (it's a butterfly of course, just in case you can't tell!):


And the felt cakes I made for her as part of her birthday present (the one with pink icing) and my son as an 'unbirthday' present (the blue icing):

Birthdays are a strange thing - stressful and exciting and unsettling in equal measures, even when the birthday is not your own. Of course, the birthday of a child brings to mind thoughts of the pregnancy with that child and of the day they were born. It reminds us of time passing and of how much the child has changed and learned and developed into their own person.

It also makes me think of how much I have learned as a parent since my daughter (my eldest child) was born, and makes me wonder if I could do it all better if I were to do it all over again. Which I am not going to.

And then there's all the social pressure associated with children's birthdays. I'm lucky, as my children are home educated there hasn't been any peer pressure on them to request big, expensive parties with every person in there class and junk food, party bags and lots of consuming of plastic tat. Or maybe it's just their personalities anyway. Either way, it's been lovely to have a relaxing but fun day with visits by various grandparents, uncles and aunts throughout the day, a homemade cake with all organic ingredients and no colourings, homemade pizza for tea, and fairly low-key presents, such as books and craft kits.

It's just made me wonder why we have to wait for a birthday or special occasion to gather everyone together. Hmm, one to ponder on. How to get all the family together in a similar relaxed fashion more often?

So, now all there is to do is to pop the wrapping paper into the kids' craft box for re-use in art masterpieces, look forward to my son's 5th birthday in 2.5 weeks, and have an evening in a very weird head-space thinking about birth and pregnancy and fertility and the passage of time and parenting skills.

Imbolc

So, Imbolc tomorrow and, like last year, we had snow this morning. I just can't celebrate Imbolc until I've seen a snow-drop! (Rather than snow, dropping!)

But, despite this, I do feel the stirrings that it might be around the corner. That awful January blankness is starting to lift. Two sunny days are starting to kick that Spring hypermania into gear and list are starting to be made, plans being planned and writing being written.

So, this year, we need to do some dreaming - dreaming of our ideal life, our best life and then planning all the little ways we're going to gradually, very slowly, get to that point.

In an echo of this time last year, my husband's main job finishes in 10 days time, but looking back at where we were last year, we've moved forward so much. He's qualified now and teaching his first classes with the promise of lots more come September and lots of other avenues to pursue for applying for more. So, although his main job is going, he still has some work, so although we'll be back on the JSA, it's not quite the same.

My job is ongoing and I'm over halfway through my course now too. These changes are gradual and have taken real energy, commitment and faith and will continue to do so, but I'm holding on to the fact that so often the universe provides and changes are for the best. I'm also grimly determined that the children will not be given the example of Mummy and Daddy trudging out to work every day and hating what they do. I want the kids to see that work is something you can choose and change. T's something you control, not that controls you. I want to model a different way of relating work and family and money. Some days I worry I'm just modelling how to be very very skint. But, what the hell, I suppose that's a useful lesson too!

So, roll on the snow-drops. I'd love to hear when anyone else sees their first one!

Back from holiday

Holidays are funny things, I always come back in an odd mood. Even before having the children I found holidays a rather 2 edged sword. They're supposed to be the most relaxing and fun thing ever but I've always found them also unsettling and stressful. I'm not a good traveller and the best holidays I've had have been close to home. Adding children to the mix gives them a whole new dimension. My daughter also finds holidays equally as stressful as exciting and managing her moods and needs is a full-time job in itself. However, my mum and dad did sterling work in having the kids in their caravan quite a bit, as well as helping us dig extensive earthworks on the beach, so we did manage some relaxation and couple alone time.
Even on a self-catering holiday there many compromises to make - we were unable to compost any food waste which felt really unnatural and wasteful; the kitchen was fully equipped with expensive coffe machines and smoothie makers but lacked many really basic items such as roasting tins, cake tins, mixing bowls etc which made it impossible to make bread or cakes, or things such as yorkshire puddings and even roast potatoes. This limited our food choices quite drastically and felt quite stressful as I tried to make healthy and ethical choices for meals for us all, and still ended up with chips more often than we'd had in the previous whole month put together. On the other hand, as it was a small village, we were able to shop for fresh food from local greengrocers and bakeries each day.
The weather was changeable but the children enjoyed digging on the beach every day whether it was in swimming costumes or cagoules. I watched as they played endless digging and building games, with my parents also totally absorbed and thought, yes, this is how I want things to be.
And, as always, I've come up with a list of things to change when we got back - some to help preserve that more relaxing holiday mood, and some which getting a bit of distance from our everyday life helped me to see:

• get steel water canteens rather than re-using plastic bottles (already ordered).
• stop feeling I have to rush everywhere.
• look into making my own crackers.
• get veg and fruit from the farmer's market every month.
• properly throw myself into organising our home ed group.
• tend the allotment more often.
• stop stressing about money so much and trust things will work out.
• take the children to stay with my parents more often.
• look into camping weekends.
• stop feeling guilty about everything!
• de-clutter.

What Mothers Do

Having been to a La Leche League meeting today in which people were kind enough to compliment my mothering skills and my children, and remembering from What Mothers Do: Especially When it Looks Like Nothing how easy it is to underestimate all the stuff you do as a parent, I thought I'd revisit the goals I set for our family life in January and see how we're doing.

• Succeeding at making at least 80% of the family's bread, cakes, biscuits and other such products.
• Succeeding in keeping the Home Education Group I helped set up last summer going from strength to strength.
• Succeeding in keeping on top of our allotment plot and garden - and have in fact planted 3 varieties of potatoes, carrots, parsnips, beetroots, leeks and Jerusalem Artichokes at the allotment, and strawberries, blueberries, raspberries, herbs, apples, pears, cobnuts, tomatoes, cucumbers, courgettes and French beans at home.
• Succeeding in keeping my part-time work going and contributing a useful amount to the household income.
• Succeeding in supporting my husband through his career change and re-training.
• Still attempting to decide on what I want to re-train as.
• Currently sorting out some submissions to agents of my recently-completed novel.
• My daughter is now reading fluently, my son starting to read and we're keeping up making special times of the day to read longer books to them both.
• Succeeding in branching out in our day-trips out to further afield and longer days - even though my son is slightly struggling with this as it really tires him out.
• Succeeding in cutting the food and household budget while still providing nutritious meals mainly cooked from scratch.

The trouble is that as soon as you achieve a goal it becomes the normal thing you do, so you end up doing more and more without realising how much you do, and then wonder why you feel tired, have no spare time, and haven't added any new goals in a while. So this is a totally boastful post to remind myself of how much I actually do! Hurray for mum everywhere!

*That* conversation

We've been having a lot of discussion about sex in our household recently - usually in the bath or on the train (I'm sure we've amused many a fellow train passenger!) and I have to share Where Willy Went with you all as it is hilarious and also gets the information across. It's all about the 300 million sperm who live in Mr Browne preparing for the Great Egg Race, and the hero Willy, a sperm who isn't very good at sums but is very good at swimming. This book is regularly requested at bed-time and sometimes provokes questions and at other times just enjoyment of the story and characters. But either way, it's been a very good book to have around.

The funny things they say

Overheard today as my son and daughter were supposed to be tidying up the living room from my son: "well, I'm the boss you see, and bosses stand and tell other people how to do the job...". Nice try, son.

And an example of why you should always ask the context before answering a child's question. My son asked me "what's a cannibal, Mummy?". I, fresh from re-reading Willard Price's Cannibal Adventure (not to the children just for my own pleasure!), gave an explanation of people eating other people, and how different species can be cannibals if they eat members of their own species. My son looked thoughtful, then said "but why are they so heavy though?". Now we were both confused. Further questioning shed light: he meant a *cannonball*. I had been wondering where he'd heard about cannibals...

Pancake Day!

Well, the pancakes went down well today with the children who assured me that they *love* pancakes, despite me remembering only too clearly that last year they wouldn't touch them, which is why we haven't had them again till today. Oh well, good to know that they like them now.

What didn't go quite so well was explaining *why* it was Pancake Day and what that meant. OK, so it's the last day before Lent. OK, so the son of the Christian God spent 6 weeks in the desert being tempted by a devil. What's a devil? Um, a not nice person who tries to make you do wrong things. OK. So, what did the devil try and make Jesus do? Um, he tried to make him a king rather than go and be executed. Huh? So what was wrong with that? Moving swiftly on, Jesus was excecuted on a cross and Christians believe that saved them from their sins. So, a bit like the Aztecs throwing people down their pyramids to get the sun to come back? Erm, guess so... And then Jesus came back from the dead on Easter Sunday. Looks of pitying scorn. Mummy, people don't come back from the dead.

OK, so the religion lesson didn't go so well then...

Half term

Now, tell me why it is that half term should have so much impact on us when we home educate? Well, because we can barely go anywhere during half terms due to huge crowds of (often badly behaved) children and their (often equally badly behaved) parents - over-excited, rushed about, exasperated (and that's just the parents!).
At the beginning of each half term I tick off all the things NOT to do during the week - playgrounds in the afternoon, swimming at any time, any children's attraction such as farms, soft play, the library. And definitely never go into the town centre.
I feel so sad for all these children who seem quite bwelidered to be out and about during the day, and also for their parents who don't seem to know what to do with them or how to interact with them.
However, mostly I feel sorry for us as we have a week in which we can't do any of our usual things and it's dull. Roll on the start of school next week!

Bad HE Mum

I feel like I'm failing the children this week and it's not just the usual 'new year, new regime' kind of thing. I've been ill, seemingly constantly, since late November and instead of feeling better, I'm iller than ever. I'm not one to say I've got flu when I have a cold - in fact I've only ever had flu once in my life - but I'm starting to wonder if I've got it again now, at least a mild dose. I can't shake this cough, my chest is tight, my nose and sinuses are blocked, I'm feverish and achey, and just so damned tired all the time that I'm really finding it hard to pull out that energy the children require of me. I'm particularly upset that I can't read to them - usually we sit and read together a lot - but my throat is so sore and has been for over a week that I just can't right now. Just getting out all the craft things seems a huge effort right now. I'm feeling completely sorry for myself!

Good HE Mum

Well, despite being ill, ill and then ill again just for a change over the solstice, christmas and new year, I pulled myself together, got out the new science at home book we got for christmas and forced myself to do some of those messy, time-consuming and fun projects that the kids love and that parents wish they had never started, about halfway through. So, we have made cornflour and water to study the weird properties of non-Newtonian liquids (behave like a liquid if you're gentle with them but like a solid if you whack them hard with a spoon - but, hey, of course you knew that!). And also made a hot-air ballon out of tissue paper, paper clips and with a hair-dryer! As you do!
I'm tired now, can I go and have a little lie down? *totters off*

I wish I could fly!

Rushing to my daughter as she wailed with distress today, I wondered what could be wrong. 'What's the matter?' I asked, worried.
'Why can't I fly, Mummy?' she asked, quite seriously. 'I've tried and tried. I've flapped and tried a parachute but I still can't fly!'
I felt awful as I had to explain to her that people can't fly without hang-gliders, planes, hot-air balloons etc.. It reminded me how small she still is really, even though at 5, almost 6 she sometimes seems so grown-up!

Happy New Year everyone!

Pondering attachment

Having just read Hold On To Your Kids: Why Parents Need To Matter More Than Peers by Gordon Neufeld & Gabor Mate I have been pondering on attachment. I've always been a fan of John Bowlby's ground-breaking theories, but even though I was aware that attachment theories are currently out of fashion I hadn't really quite realised how much this view of childhood and family has been left out of most modern childcare books. Even those in the 'attachment parenting' genre rarely seem to actually mention the importance of attachments and the problems lack of attachment or insecure attachment can cause.
The book was truly radical in its recommendations and very thought-provoking in its conclusions of how many of children's current problems and society's ills can be laid at the door of inappropriate attachments while children are growing up. I can't even attempt to summarise the scope of the arguments and evidence presented, but would urge any parents out there to read it. But beware, it's one of those books that makes you reflect on your own childhood and see areas where you (or your parents!!) went wrong and the consequences of that. There were a few tears for me as I read this book, as suddenly some teenage experiences made sense for the first time.
So, my pondering on the importance of attachment continues and I feel I have had a fundamental shift in my parenting perspective which is having practical consequences for my actions as a mother, and also maybe as a friend.
Coming soon - pictures of our Yule crafts!

Remembrance Day coming up

We were in town today and the Poppy Appeal stall was there, so we spent a pleasant few minutes handing over a load of small change and putting it in the large poppy money-box and getting poppies and poppy bugs (that's progress for you!) in return. But then of course I have to discuss what Remembrance Day is all about and why we wear poppies. Now, I'm quite a big history buff and am definitely a believer in the tenet 'those who refuse to learn from history are doomed to repeat it', but sometimes the tone of Remembrance Day makes me a little uncomfortable. For example, on today's stall, they had a cardboard war memorial with 'Glorious Dead' on it. Now, I think that the word 'glorious' has no place in a discussion about war. War is not glorious and nor is dying - it's brutal, futile, squalid, a waste. I fully intend to impress this fact upon my children when the time is right, but I can't really think that at 3 and 5 years old that time is now. For now I have simply explained that sometimes people argue and when lots of people get together and argue it's called a war and people get hurt and killed, and it's better to talk about problems rather than fight. But how depressing it is that here in the 21st century I am still having to explain to my children what war is - not in a historical context, but in the here and now. Why do people go to war, Mummy? Buggered if I know.

Enemies
by Siegfried Sassoon

He stood alone in some queer sunless place
Where Armageddon ends. Perhaps he longed
For days he might have lived; but his young face
Gazed forth untroubled: and suddenly there thronged
Round him the hulking Germans that I shot
When for his death my brooding rage was hot.

He stared at them, half-wondering; and then
They told him how I’d killed them for his sake—
Those patient, stupid, sullen ghosts of men;
And still there seemed no answer he could make.
At last he turned and smiled. One took his hand
Because his face could make them understand.

Feeling more positive

I'm generally feeling a bit more positive about things this week, despite having a really really awful night last night which ended with everyone awake, both children screaming, me really cross and shouty, and my husband rather bemused about what on earth had happened to kick it all off!

Otherwise though, the allotment is finally starting to look like I had envisaged it would - ie, nicely dug, covered in leaf mulch and planted up with overwintering crops. I think about half to two thirds is like that now, but there's still a lot to do, mainly round the edges, and I would like to get it under control before the spring growing season makes all the weeds grow again!

I had a long discussion with my mum this week about how the kids are doing, in terms of their development, education, social skills etc and she was really encouraging. Given that she's a primary school teacher with over 20 years experience, I feel she is in a position to know that the children are not falling behind where they 'should' be and although I know I shouldn't care about where they 'should' be, I find I can't quite let this go. Especially in view of all the doom and gloom spreading in the HE community currently due to the latest guidelines proposal and the potential impact of Contactpoint.

Our new HE group moved to its winter venue today and it worked pretty well. We actually had the entire soft-play to ourselves and even met another He-er there who knew nothing of the group and had come that morning entirely by chance! There seems to be a hard-core of fairly regular attenders forming, and they're all nice and the kids get on well, so I'm feeling quite positive about that too.

The cat's stitches are due to come out tomorrow too and she seems generally to be healing really well. I hope she can go outside again soon as I'm getting fed up with my bad nights being added to by the cat hurling herself noisily against the back door at 2am in a fruitless attempt to get outside.

I have an optician's appointment tomorrow so all this positivity will probably soon be punctured by finding out that my eyes are worse and that it costs a king's ransom for new glasses.

Oh dear, another whinge

Feeling very low at the moment. Have just spent another weekend flat out, too ill to move, and still not sure what is wrong - migraines, labyrinthitis, a combination, no idea what has triggered it. Got to have some new glasses as I haven't had even a an eye test let alone new glasses for 6 years. Even the computer has a virus and is doing odd things. And the cat has a nasty abcess. All worry, as well as money we can't afford. Just when I think we're getting straight, something else seems to come along and kick us up the bum. I know I should be thinbking positive, but I'm too tired due to being ill and then being got up at 2am by my son who 'just wasn't tired' for 3 and half hours. Well, I was, but of course he wanted company. Surely the week must only be able to get better?

Autumn Equinox

To celebrate the Equinox we've made dark chocolate cakes (to symbolise the growing darkness of course and not just becuase of any old excuse to make chocolate cup cakes!) and written our now traditional celebratory festival poems.

My daughter's poem:

Oh, The Leaves Are So Pretty

When the leaves turn red,
It begins to get cold.
The leaves are beginning to turn
Yellow, red and brown.
It's the prettiest colours we have seen.
It begins to get darker in the evenings,
Less going out to play Carnage.
It gets really dark, really early.

And my son's:

Only Be With Mummy If You're Scared

It's not going to be sunny in the afternoon,
The leaves are going to fall off,
The leaves might turn brown, yellow or red,
No playing Carnage before bed.

(I should point out that 'Carnage' is a chasing game they often play with Daddy in the garden during the summer after tea and before bed-time!)

Swimming and tomatoes

Why are places which provide activities for children so obsessed with putting on classes rather than just letting people enjoy themselves freely? Our local swimming pool has a small pool for youngsters which we have started visiting regularly but it is actually fairly difficult to do so due to the amount of time it is used for classes. I can understand that schools often have swimming lessons and had accepted that it wasn't open till 11 every weekday morning, plus being closed again at 3.30 for after school lessons, as well as closing at 1.30 2 days a week, but I was a bit fed-up to find when we went there today that half (the deepest half) of the pool was shut off as, guess what? Yes, another lesson! This time for tiny babies, 2 lessons in a row actually, so we didn't even have the whole pool. Whatever happened to parents just taking kids to have fun at the pool? I can't believe that such a high proportion of the opening time of the pool is taken up with set lessons and classes.

And tomatoes. I thought we'd escaped the blight which destroyed pretty much all out tomatoes last year, but I've just today seen some of the signs that it might be starting again - bottom leaves withering, the tomatoes on those parts of the plant turning black rather than red. Gah, we don;t seem to have much luck with tomatoes. Still, out potato harvest has been fantastic and we're also still gathering beans, peas and carrots which isn't bad at this time of the year, given the weather we've had.

Skirts and cultural norms

Am in a bit of a quandary. Normally I don't succumb to those cultural norms with no real point, but I'm having trouble with the issue of skirts. My daughter has only recently started wearing skirts. Until a few weeks back she wasn't bothered what she wore so I put her in trousers as they're easier, warmer and better for playing/climbing. But then she asked for a skirt, so I got her a skirt. I hadn't anticipated my son would then also ask for a skirt. And therein lies my dilemma. I find that I'm not keen on the idea of dressing him in a skirt outside the house. Inside the house, it's fine whatever he chooses to wear, but I must be more conventional than I'd thought (what a horrible thought!) as I find I don't want to get him a skirt. He asks me why boys don't wear skirts and I have no answer for him because there is no answer. Maybe I'll have to compromise and get him a kilt! My grandmother was Fraser from Inverness so I could even get him a genuine clan tartan, but I think I'm just disappointed with myself for kowtowing to utterly groundless cultural norms.

Pox on it all!

I think my son has chicken pox. Actually, I'm pretty sure he has but I don't want to believe it as it makes me feel weary just thinking about it. He had it before but as he was only 2 months, the doctor warned us he may well get it again. I caught him scratching his scalp and he asked me what the bumps on his head were - closer inspection: classic dew-drop spots in little clusters. Only on his scalp so far though, which I thought was weird. I thought it usually started on the tummy, but maybe I'm getting confused. Anyway, it would explain the grouchiness and the constant feeding the last few days. Though ironically, he seems much better since the spots came out. The biggest pain will probably be keeping them entertained while we can't go anywhere there will be other people, or have anyone over that hasn't had it. At least my daughter was 2 when she had it and she got a fairly thorough dose too so I won't have them both ill at the same time.
Here's hoping it's a mild dose as before!