Musing on the Muse

I find it very hard to be creative at this time of the year; my inspiration seems to disappear as soon as the grey days start and rain falls. I've been doing some meditation on that and I think that my frustration at feeling unable to connect with inspiration gives my usual seasonal depression an additional edge. I'm no longer sure if it's the depression blocking my inspiration, or if my depression is partly fueled by my inability to create and both are caused by a third thing - ie the darkness.

My meditations and workings recently have all been centred in healing and health - for me and my family - but once we're all in good shape again, I'm planning to start meditations on inspiration and seeking my Muse again. For me, meditations on the sun seem a good place to start, but I wondered what other people use to kick-start their creativity while having a dry spell?

Obviously, being out in nature helps, but due to my back injury that has been difficult recently. This injury and our recent combined family ill-health have been a real shock to the system. It is scary quite how vulnerable we are, and how much of our carefully ordered life falls apart when I'm not very mobile even for a short while.

I think confidence has a certain amount to do with inspiration as well - or maybe it's just that confidence enhances my receptiveness to inspiration. I'll tend to question it less and act on it more when I'm feeling good about myself and my abilities. This is clearly also linked to my depression. Recently I read a certain famous series of books which, despite being bestsellers, are *really* badly written and it really knocked my confidence for several weeks. What is the point of spending years learning and practising my writing (and still not being published) when other people can get such badly written and derivative drivel published and have such a huge volume of sales?

Time is another factor. Sometimes I get a moment of inspiration but I'm in the middle of shopping, or doing some activity with the kids. If I was single with no ties or responsibilities I could write whenever the mood struck, through the night, without worrying about getting meals. I know these mundane things shouldn't interfere, but realistically they do. My kids have a prior claim on me, we all have to eat. Since my writing isn't bringing in any money, perhaps the time I spend doing it is self-indulgent and I shouldn't be trying to tempt the Muse at all. Maybe I should be glad I can't seem to write at the moment, and use the time to do some actual paid work.

I think I'm having an inspiration crisis, so I need to meditate on that. Any thoughts or wishes welcome!

Children, Schools & Families Bill

For those who may not have heard of this, it is a Government Bill which introduces all kinds of new things for parents, schools and home educators. For example, schools will have the right to restrain your child without your permission or even knowledge. Parents will have to sign contracts with the school which usurp parental choices in education (and also in family time), and may impose fines on parents not complying.

Not to mention the part about home education which gives local authorities a power to enter homes and interview children alone which even the police do not have unless they have suspicion based on eveidence that a serious crime has taken place.

This bill, if it becomes law, will fundamentally change the balance of power between the state and parents in favour of the state. Do you think this won't affect you? Think again. It will affect anyone with children in this country. They're starting with the home educators because we are a minority, and one that many people are suspicious of, at that. But if this bill goes through, it's only a matter of time before *all* parents are CRB checked in order to look after their own children, before health visitor visits become compulsory, before the state is able to tell you which school your children must go to, what qualifications they have to take, who they can and can't see in their family time, before the state can inspect *all* parents to check on their 'suitability' against a state measurement.

Don't let this happen. Sign the latest petition to keep family life free of state control, here.

Remember:

First they came for the communists, and I did not speak out—because I was not a communist;
Then they came for the trade unionists, and I did not speak out—because I was not a trade unionist;
Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out—because I was not a Jew;
Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak out for me.

Martin Niemoeller

Better & Worse

We seem to have a had a real catalogue of disasters since my last post - most of them relatively minor (but annoying!) domestic problems such as the light bulb in the fridge blowing, the doorbell falling off and some parts disappearing in the night, the handle of my daughter's window breaking meaning we can't open the window.

Others have been more worrying - another round of colds meaning none of us get any sleep, the fact that fell down the stairs getting up with my son in the night and hurt my back quite badly. This last one has set back many other things too - planting the rest of my onions and garlic, getting parts and mending the items damaged in the recent wave of domestic disasters.

It's very frustrating to be able to see what needs doing, have the time to sort it, but be unable to walk or cycle to the hardware shop, not to mention being unable to bend down or lean over to do the work itself.

But on the other hand, it was really nice to have a friend round yesterday and chat about stuff that had nothing to do with the kids or their education. Hooray for talking about other stuff!

And I also had a builder from a local green construction firm round to give us some advice about all our damp and condensation problems. I wasn't sure what to expect - maybe a hard sell for their firm to come and sort things out? But no, he was incredibly nice and incredibly patient. He looked at all the problem areas and gave me his opinion on what to do to sort them out. By the time he left, I had a list of stuff which would all help, in order of priority and in order of expense. None of the things were that expensive, a lot of it we could do ourselves, and one suggestion he made seems to have helped already, overnight. So, I'm feeling a bit better about the house now, hoping we can stop the damp and mould in its tracks. It's been a real weight off my mind, I had been so stressed about it all.

This year is really getting away from me though. I can't believe it's almost my birthday again. I'm determined to actually do something nice this year as last year everyone had a sickness bug for several weeks around my birthday and we couldn't do anything at all. Maybe a bit of celebrating in the greyness will help.

This post is brought to you courtesy of Philips Bright Light my cheery winter breakfast companion which, together with a couple of days of sunshine, is helping me continue on my weary way with at least a thread of humour...

SAD

As you may know, I suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder. People don't really tend to take this very seriously, I've found. After all, doesn't everyone get a bit down in winter? Well, yes, probably in our country most people do, but what I get is actual SAD, real dperession, which I struggle with most winters.

And this winter, it's set in very early due to the dull weather and being unable to get out of the house very little the last few weeks due to illness in our house. Winston Churchill wrote about his depression as being a 'black dog', but I find mine to be more of dull grey fog which settles over me and muffles everything. I find I lose my creativity and inspiration which also has a knock-on effect of its own on my mood. I feel exhausted all the time but when I go to bed I can't sleep for ages. Then in the morning I can't wake up and feel really sluggish. That's if I'm lucky enough to get a full night's sleep at the moment. I find that getting enough sleep and in a regular pattern can really help the SAD, but my son seems determined to deprive me of this right now, thus making everything much worse.

Another reason for the early onset this year is that my son has finally been cutting down on the breastfeeding - I'm losing out on all that lovely, mood-enhancing oxytocin from those long early morning feeds we used to have. And my body doesn't seem very good at producing mood-enhancing chemicals on its own.

I find myself craving all the things which I know from previous experience actually makes the SAD worse - chocolate, sugary and stodgy foods, staying in bed in the morning for hours given half a chance, giving up trying to achieve anything. I know that regular bed time and getting up time, enough sleep, good food, chocolate only in moderation actually help, but I can't help but think 'oh who cares? I can't be bothered'. It all seems such an effort.

Every day I drag myself out of bed and force myself to do all the things I should be doing - cooking, shopping, studying, allotment - all the jobs to keep the house running well but my heart just isn't in it right now. It just all feels dull and grey and thankless and without end or satisfaction. I can't manage to write.

I should probably dig out my sunshine lamp, which I haven't need the last few years due to breastfeeding hormones and getting out in the daylight during the day a lot more - but I can't be bothered. I'm falling into fiction again to escape the nothingness of my own brain, but I'm not sure this is quite the healthiest thing either - living vicariously on other people's vividness and then feeling my own life to be colourless in comparison. I tried to summon up a bit of enthusiasm for my birthday, coming up soon, but making actual arrangements for doing anything remotely enjoyable just seems so difficult that it seems easier to let it go by, even though I would actually like to mark it somehow.

I'm hoping for a sunny day soon to lift this feeling before it sets in for the whole winter. I don't want to feel like this any more. I'm sick of making the effort to carry on as usual. If anyone can send me some sunshiney thoughts, I'd appreciate it. I'm struggling.

Samhain/Hallowe'en

Every year I hope I won't need to do a post about this, but every year I'm annoyed again by the ignorance and lack of understanding about this important Pagan festival. We had a Hallowe'en Party at our Home Ed Group which several families chose not to attend because they don't do Hallowe'en. OK fair enough, but then of course my children come to me and ask "why couldn't x and y come to the party? They say they're not allowed to celebrate Hallowe'en, why?" And what do I say without saying that x and y's parents are ignorant?
So, to reiterate. Samhain (pronounced sow-in or sow-een or varieties thereof depending on the part of the country you live in) is the pre-Christian festival which was around 31st October. It was the new year, which meant it was a liminal time - ie a time which was neither the old year, nor the new year. Liminal times are times between times, neither one thing nor the other, and as such they are sacred and special. Things can happen then which cannot happen at other times. It was seen as a thinning of the barrier between this world and the next world, hence it being a good time to scry into the future and try to find out who you'd marry and so forth.
Due to this thinning of the barrier it was also seen as a time when evil spirits might be around, hence disguising yourself in some kind of costume to escape, and having things around (such as scarily craved pumpkins these days) which would frighten away anything nasty.
The main part of Samhain however is a festival of the dead, common to many cultures and similar to the current one in Mexico which is completely sanctioned by the Catholic Church there. This is a celebration of death as a part of the cycle of life. It reminds us that this is usually the point of the last of the harvest, and the point at which weather deteriorates so much that we have to stay indoors more. It's a time for remembering loved ones who have died, and for honouring our ancestors. It reminds us that it's growing darker, the year is hurtling towards the winter solstice and that it's a time for going inwards, going dormant, planning and assessing rather than action.
It was the Church who added all the most 'nasty' elements to Samhain and made it Hallowe'en - All Hallows Eve. Which is ironic considering it is now the Church who seems to object to these elements. When the Church started taking over, it deliberately placed its important festivals on dates which were already celebrated in order to absorb those festivals into itself and replace them with its own as it demonised the previous festival. So, the Church placed All Saints Day on what had been New Year's Day around 1st November and because you couldn't have anything unholy around on All Saints Day, Samhain became All Hallows Eve - the night when all nasty and evil things came out to play in advance of All Saints Day when they couldn't. This had been a very small part of Samhain before this and now the Church emphasised this part only and blotted out all the other aspects of the festival, which are the most important to Pagans today.
Of course, popular secular celebration of the event focuses on the dressing up and the trick or treating, which grew from the 'trickster' element of the festival - winter festivals quite often have a trickster element, such as the Roman Saturnalia which turns everyday life on its head with masters serving slaves. Trickster gods such as Loki and Pan and Robin Goodfellow are not generally evil, merely mischievous and playful, though they can have a nasty edge. They embody some useful fun during the dark, cold and dangerous months of winter, and also echo reality with their unpredictability and occasional cruel edge.
I don't object to people celebrating the secular aspects of Hallowe'en. It is similar to the way most people celebrate Christmas - not being Christian and with no intention of honouring the deeper, spiritual meaning of the festival. What I do object to though is Christians being all self-righteous about Hallowe'en. They invented it, in its modern form, so it's ironic when they object to it, without even apparently knowing its history. And they are ignorant of its true spiritual meaning for thousands of modern Pagans. I'm sick of apologising for one of the main festivals of my faith and sick of being defensive about it. Christians wouldn't object to Eid or Diwali in this way, so why my festival which their Church had such a hand in trying to destroy?
This is not a post to attack Christians, it is a post to attack ignorance and intolerance. If I have managed to inform just one person, I'll be happy. But I'm not keeping quiet about this any longer.
Happy Samhain everyone!

Breastfeeding

I am passionate about breastfeeding. Neither of my children have ever had formula milk and they never had breastmilk from any container except my breast either. My 4.5 year old is still breastfeeding at least once a day. I say these things not to be smug or implicitly criticise anyone who did things differently but because I am really proud of them as my own achievements. And I also want to link to this article telling the truth about breastfeeding versus bottle-feeding.

Many women I've known have talked about the pressure to breastfeed and feeling angry about that, but I actually think that most women are lied to about the reality of bottle-feeding and many would be shocked and upset to learn the risks they are running for their babies' lives.

I don't think more pressure is what's needed. I think there needs to be more support and sharing of experience if problems are encountered, more support allowing women to take the time they need to feed their babies, more normalising of breastfeeding which is after all the normal way of feeding an infant rather than the highly artificial and unnatural bottle feeding.

Having watched a programme in the evening on a channel with adverts recently, which I haven't done for a while, I've been shocked at the kind of baby milk advertising that's allowed. After all, so many people boycott Nestle for just such promotion in developing countries, maybe we need a boycott of the people who make and show these adverts here.

The answers aren't simple. The reasons women don't breastfeed are social and economic and cultural. many women think they 'can't' breastfeed when they encounter a problem which can actually be solved with the correct advice, but they don't get the correct advice.

I'm not going to go into all the reasons here that are covered in the article, and before anyone flames me. Yes, I know breastfeeding isn't always easy, particularly in our culture where we don't grow up subconsciously learning how to do it from our mothers, sisters, aunts and friends. I know it can be hard to get support and I know their are special circumstances in which bottle feeding is necessary, in which case it is a lifesaver.

However, it is still the case that bottlefed babies are twice as likely to die in the first 6 weeks of life than breastfed babies. Twice as many! How many people learned that fact in their antenatal classes? The World Health Organisation considers formula milk to be 4th best for babies - so not even 2nd or 3rd best, in fact 4th best, their absolutely least preferred option. Baby junk food in fact. And the NHS spends £35 million a year on treating gastroenteritis in bottlefed babies. Maybe some of this should be covered in birth preparation classes so women can make a truly informed choice.

See La Leche League for help with breastfeeding.

Inspirational books

Well, Christmas is coming and I thought a list of inspirational books which people might want to add to their wish lists or buy for other people would be appropriate. So here goes:
So Shall We Reap by Colin Tudge - this is a detailed and educated look at the current food situation and how factpry farming is not only not the answer but is part of the current problem.
Permaculture in a Nutshell by Patrick Whitefield - this is a classic and inspirational book. It's quite short but packed with get-up-and-go. Makes you want to forage in a skip for old tyres, turn them into planters and use them grow tomatoes on your patio!
Shopped: The Shocking Power of British Supermarkets by Joanna Blythman - another book which makes you more and more outraged as you read it, wondering why this kind of information is not mandatory in all schools.
Taking Charge of Your Fertility: The Definitive Guide to Natural Birth Control, Pregnancy Achievement and Reproductive Wealth by Toni Weschler - this is another on the 'required reading list' for all women. If you're trying to get pregnant, not to get pregnant, or have ever worried you were pregnant when you were not, this is absolutely vital information. I consider myself pretty clued up on health and reproductive issues but I learnt so much from this book. I can honestly say that I probably wouldn't have managed to have my children naturally (if at all) without this book.
How to be Free by Tom Hodgkinson - I've talked about this book before and I still highly recommened it as a way of seeing our culture in a new way.
Affluenza by Oliver James - a psychological look at why everyone is so depressed these days despite being so well off materially. An interesting read.
Can Any Mother Help Me? by Jenna Bailey - a lovely, moving and fascinating read about a group of mothers from before and during WW2 who supported each other through a penpal circle.
And finally, one for the Pagans here: Living with Honour: A Pagan Ethics by Emma Restall-Orr - a must-read for all thoughtful Pagans with an interest in philosophy.
Enjoy!