Up and Down

That is how I am at the moment. Now, I do tend to the volatile at the best of times, and usually February is not the best of times for me, but I have to say I'm rather more violently up and down at the moment than is usual even for me. I guess things have been changing so hugely and I've been clinging to a small wooden raft of sanity riding the heavy, storm-tossed seas of a completely and rapidly changing life. Given that circumstances have been so extraordinary, I have found within myself an emergency measure of optimism and a genuine sense of excitement and anticipation at the thought of our new life which has kept me going over one of the greyest and dullest winters I can remember recently.

But yesterday I felt so utterly down and defeated, and do you know what triggered that feeling? Something so utterly stupid that I was ashamed at myself for letting it get to me so much: the internet broke. It's not the first time this has happened and I'm sure it won't be the last time, but this time it did it half an hour before a friend came to take the children to the home ed group for me so I could have the rest of the day to do some much-needed work. I work online. Do you see where this is going? This was Thursday, the phone helpline assured me that there was nothing they could do to fix the fault right there (we'd already tried all the usual quick fixes) and that an engineer would speedily be with me... on Saturday. I nearly cried. Then I started swearing. Not at the call centre person, I hasten to add.

So I spent the whole day not being able to work, and not being able to do much else useful either due to a broken toe preventing me from walking very far. And do you know what? Five minutes before the children were due back, the bloody, sodding internet magically came back! And how stupid did I feel that I'd let such a trivial thing cast me down so much? Very stupid. And yet, could I manage to pull myself out of the Slough of Despond. No, I bloody well couldn't. So there you have it, a day in the life of my emotions. I have enough distance from them to be able to see how silly I'm being and yet can't seem to use that self-knowledge to fully change my state. Very frustrating. But hell, today is a new day, the internet is working, it's Friday, I still can't walk very far, but the determined optimism is back. Everything *will* work out OK. I hope anyone reading this is also having a better day.

Imbolc

So, Imbolc is nearly upon us and I finally saw my first snow-drops yesterday. I'm feeling very in tune with the time of year this year. So many things in my life have been in limbo, lying dormant over the the dark time between Samhain and now. But, now I can feel the new growth, new ideas, creativity and new life just waiting to burst out. It's pulsing, sap rising, just below the surface, and the flurry of action and activity is about to burst forth into bud, leaf and flower.

We attended a fine Imbolc ritual at Anderida on Sunday and I feel that Brigit's awen and Bardship were fully called into being and celebrated. It was fiercely cold on that hillside under the watchful gaze of the Long Man, and I had to hobble up the hill and then down again with much help from a staff and other people as I had stupidly and clumsily broken my big toe 3 days before. It was probably a silly idea to even try to do it, but it was just one of those things that I *had* to do. I needed to be with my tribe and celebrate the returning light and inspiration.

This year is not going to be an easy one. There are going to be many challenges, many practical difficulties, many steep learning curves, a lot of changes, and even at the end of all that, we may not get exactly what we want, but I know that we'll give it the absolute best shot we can, and that's what I'm holding on to. Whatever happens, things will be very different by the time we arrive at the next dark time. I'm excited by what lies ahead, and very much looking forward to seeing where we are by Samhain this year.

Blessings of Brigit to you all.

A New Era

As you may have noticed, I haven't been blogging regularly for some months now. As those of you who know me in real life know, this is because of a major upheaval in my life. I met and fell in love with someone new and we have both moved heaven and earth, including splitting up our respective marriages, to be together, which we now are. And here begins the new chapter in our lives. This year is going to see some huge changes in our lifestyle and living and working arrangements. We are hoping to be able to buy some land and start some businesses on it, including sustainability workshops for children, managing the woodland, keeping chickens and bees, growing our own food as much as possible, wood-working, maybe charcoal-burning, meditation workshops. We are hoping to gain permission to live on the land in temporary, low-impact dwellings, preferably yurts, and thereby be mortgage-free and needing much less income. So far we are just in the planning stages and much depends on things that we don't know yet, but I'm aiming to keep a record of what happens here, and also to be able to promote our businesses as each gets up and running - hence yesterday's post about my life coaching and my partner's Etsy shop. I hope some of you will be interested in our journey, as the home education of my children also continues, and my partner's 2 children also join in our adventure as and when they are with us. As Imbolc approaches, I can feel the new season starting and the time for new ventures ripening. Watch this space...

Aftermath

The following poem was written by Siegfried Sassoon in 1919, less than a year after the end of WWI. He was already afraid that the horror was being forgotten, that this could happen again, after all their sacrifice. Thinking about this year and the deaths of the last few WWI veterans, the suicide bombers, the wars, the nuclear proliferation, I wonder what he'd think about the world of 2010?

Aftermath

Have you forgotten yet?...
For the world's events have rumbled on since those gagged days,
Like traffic checked while at the crossing of city-ways:
And the haunted gap in your mind has filled with thoughts that flow
Like clouds in the lit heaven of life; and you're a man reprieved to go,
Taking your peaceful share of Time, with joy to spare.
But the past is just the same--and War's a bloody game...
Have you forgotten yet?...
Look down, and swear by the slain of the War that you'll never forget.

Do you remember the dark months you held the sector at Mametz--
The nights you watched and wired and dug and piled sandbags on parapets?
Do you remember the rats; and the stench
Of corpses rotting in front of the front-line trench--
And dawn coming, dirty-white, and chill with a hopeless rain?
Do you ever stop and ask, 'Is it all going to happen again?'

Do you remember that hour of din before the attack--
And the anger, the blind compassion that seized and shook you then
As you peered at the doomed and haggard faces of your men?
Do you remember the stretcher-cases lurching back
With dying eyes and lolling heads--those ashen-grey
Masks of the lads who once were keen and kind and gay?

Have you forgotten yet?...
Look up, and swear by the green of the spring that you'll never forget.

Is it just me...

...or does anyone else feel a little bit uncomfortable about *celebrating* VJ (Victory in Japan) Day? I mean, I can understand celebrating the end of the war, and I know that many Japanese POWs were treated horrendously. But just remembering those 2 atomic bombs - Little Boy and Fat Man - that ended the war and their consequences for the people of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, as well as for the world in general since, I can't help but think that celebrating this in any way is somewhat distasteful. Especially bearing in mind the questions that have since been raised about whether or not they were actually 'necessary' (putting aside general discussions on whether the use of atomic weapons can ever be deemed necessary).

As ever, no answers, just questions, doubts and points to raise.

Pondering disasters - man-made and natural

Today is the 65th anniversary of the atomic bombing of Nagasaki which killed around 80,000 in the first day or two after detonation. The 65th anniversary of the bombing of Hiroshima was on Friday, and Little Boy killed 166,000 people there in the first two days alone.

Discussion continues recently of the best way to preserve and restore Auschwitz as a historical site so the Holocaust can never be forgotten or denied.

The current floods in Pakistan are affecting around 12 million people now, and although the known death toll is only around 1500 this is mainly because many bodies have yet to be found (and probably never will) and because the diseases and famine which will kill so many more have yet to strike.

I've been thinking about these items which have come up on the news in the last few days, and wondering how to expain them to my children - to all our children. The floods are the easy part - children seem to be born with a natural appreciation of the awe-inspiring power of nature. Nature is neither good nor bad, it just is. And natural disasters happen. Though it is hard to explain why we can't help more, why rescue workers can't get to people trapped in valleys by the flood waters.

But how to explain atomic bombs and the Holocaust? In fact, I think I'd find it easier to explain atomic bomsb than the Holocaust. Obviously, children need to know and need to know thoroughly about these things, to ensure they never happen again, but bloody hell, doesn't some of your innocence die when you discover mankind is capable of such things?

Thoughts on Beltaine

Well, I haven't posted for a long time as I've had lots of stuff to work out in my head which has been too private to share. Finishing breast-feeding has really felt like the end of an era and has prompted a lot of soul-searching before realising that, obviously, the end of one era is always the beginning of a new one. This realisation has been liberating and exciting as well as terrifying and worrying. I've had to do a lot of thinking about what exactly I want to do nowadays. Who am I now that that first white-hot crucible of intense motherhood has cooled a little?

So, now I feel my creativity is returning, I want to focus more on my spirituality, spread my wings outside the family circle a little, get involved with things a little. But, as much as that attracts it, it also scares me a bit. The cycle of change has already started though, and I can't stop it. I don't want to stop it. I'm sure that it's no coincidence that my son stopped feeding just before the Spring Equinox, kicking off a year's cycle of change and growth. I wonder where we'll by by the winter solstice this year?

Some thoughts on the end of breast-feeding

I think we really have stopped, although I suppose the real test will come with the first non-feeding illness. But, for the moment presuming we've stopped, I have a few thoughts on the matter.

Given that breastfeeding, especially when combined with co-sleeping, seems to affect the deepness of a person's sleep I am currently also wondering about its effect on meditation. The reason is this. I meditate, and have tried to do so semi-regularly for years. When I had my first baby this went out of the window for a bit and it certainly did when I had my second baby. However, when they went past the baby stage and especially when my son started actually sleeping during the night, I started meditating again. It did seem hard and a struggle and I presumed this was because of lack of practice or focus, however, now that he's stopped feeding I suddenly find it much easier to get back to that deep level of trance that I used to achieve. I also definitely feel much more deeply asleep at night, despite still co-sleeping with both children (and of course my husband!). Has anyone else experienced this?

I am also wondering about the effect on the relationship with my son. The breastfeeding relationship gives you a very intense closeness with a child. I can't comment on how it is different to a relationship with a bottle-fed child as I've never bottle-fed, but I certainly remember feeling a shift in the relationship between me and my daughter when she finished feeding and now I'm noticing a similar shift with my son. I presume it is a temporary thing - a re-establishing of the relationship in a different way, but it was different with my daughter as I was heavily pregnant and about to gain a second child, so all that issue was also wrapped up in the end of the breastfeeding relationship. Also, with her the relationship was only almost 2 years old, rather than 5 years old.

I'm not really sure of the point I'm trying to make but I'd love to hear from other full-term breastfeeders about the thoughts and issues they had when the journey finally ended.

Thoughts on violent play

I hadn't really had to think about violent play until recently. My children (boy and girl) both get very physical and I generally leave them to it unless they're breaking the furniture or really doing my head in. I'm really passionate about free play for children and they need that safety valve. But recently we had a problem with violent play that went too far at our home ed group and so I've been researching into what could go wrong, and found these words in Sue Palmer's 21st Century Boys: How Modern Life Can Drive Them off the Rails and How to Get Them Back on Track: "Critical to this was that the 'gun, fashioned by himself, was his own imaginative construction and could thus become whatever he wanted. A shop-bought toy gun doesn't have that same transformational power. In the words of the major British researcher in this field, Penny Holland, when a child is given a manufactured replica toy, 'the toy determines the play, not the child'. So the problem is not little boys running around shouting 'bang, bang, you're dead' but a society that commercialises every aspect of children's lives."

She goes on to say that this commercialisation means that children are "trapped in a manufacured adult fantasy".

And this is the nub of the matter, I feel. I'm finding Palmer's book very interesting, at least as practical and useful as her earlier Toxic Childhood: How The Modern World Is Damaging Our Children And What We Can Do About It which I reviewed a long while back. However, the trouble is, what do you do if you bring your boys (and girls!) up right, don't give them commercialised toys, don't expose them to marketing and junk play, but then they come into contact with others who have been saturated in this kind of rubbish? My boy isn't so easily influenced thankfully, purely because he doesn't seem to be your stereotypical boy, but in a group setting when the oldest and those looked up to as role models are trapped in the commericalised adult fantasies, it skews the whole group dynamics and means that trusting that free play will be safe and fair cannot be done. Which is a shame.

Birthday

It is my daughter's 7th birthday today. So, firstly, a couple of pictures. Her birthday cake, lovingly hand-crafted by me (it's a butterfly of course, just in case you can't tell!):


And the felt cakes I made for her as part of her birthday present (the one with pink icing) and my son as an 'unbirthday' present (the blue icing):

Birthdays are a strange thing - stressful and exciting and unsettling in equal measures, even when the birthday is not your own. Of course, the birthday of a child brings to mind thoughts of the pregnancy with that child and of the day they were born. It reminds us of time passing and of how much the child has changed and learned and developed into their own person.

It also makes me think of how much I have learned as a parent since my daughter (my eldest child) was born, and makes me wonder if I could do it all better if I were to do it all over again. Which I am not going to.

And then there's all the social pressure associated with children's birthdays. I'm lucky, as my children are home educated there hasn't been any peer pressure on them to request big, expensive parties with every person in there class and junk food, party bags and lots of consuming of plastic tat. Or maybe it's just their personalities anyway. Either way, it's been lovely to have a relaxing but fun day with visits by various grandparents, uncles and aunts throughout the day, a homemade cake with all organic ingredients and no colourings, homemade pizza for tea, and fairly low-key presents, such as books and craft kits.

It's just made me wonder why we have to wait for a birthday or special occasion to gather everyone together. Hmm, one to ponder on. How to get all the family together in a similar relaxed fashion more often?

So, now all there is to do is to pop the wrapping paper into the kids' craft box for re-use in art masterpieces, look forward to my son's 5th birthday in 2.5 weeks, and have an evening in a very weird head-space thinking about birth and pregnancy and fertility and the passage of time and parenting skills.

Noughts & Crosses, Kryten and the cute one from The Mary Whitehouse Experience

OK, bear with me as these 3 things don't really go together but they are the things I've been doing recently!

Firstly, the Noughts & Crosses trilogy of books (in 4 parts, of course, as all good trilogies appear to be!) by Malorie Blackman are utterly fantastic. Noughts and Crosses is the first part. If you haven't heard of these books, they are children's books, though very much for older teens, set in an alternative contemporary world where Crosses (dark-skinned) are the donimant race and Noughts (light-skinned) are oppressed and ignored. It uses very clever subversion to illustrate how things can be unfair and prejudiced and explores the themes of race and terrorism in a very clear and compelling way. A warning: these books are very traumatic but utterly addictive. Despite their very bleak story, you won't be able to put them down until you've found out what happens at the end of the final book. They are not an easy read emotionally but they are powerful and extraordinarily well-written and tightly plotted.

Secondly, Kryten. OK, not actually Kryten by his alter ego Robert Llewellyn and more specifically his book Sold Out: How I Survived a Year of Not Shopping. Now, I've read a number of these books about not spending or cutting down and they all become much of a muchness after a while, but this one was different. It wasn't a diary-style memior of his triumphs and failures in his self-imposed challenge. It was a themed look at the reasons behind it and the issues which came up for him and how they linked in to his personal history and current family situation. A much better prospect. And I think one of the best books of this kind that I've ever read. Funny, honest, thoughtful and insightful

Thirdly, Rob Newman. OK, hands up who lusted after him back in the early 90s when he was part of the 'comedy is the new rock'n'roll' Mary Whitehouse Experience. Well, now he has truly become the thinking green woman's crumpet as a political activist, and if you want to improve your mind, have a laugh and a bit of eye-candy all in one fell swoop, I can do no better than to recommend this DVD: Robert Newman - History Of Oil. This is intellectual stand-up, powered by cyclists. This is a fantastic way of getting across the reasons behind green politics, and a really interesting history lesson on the west's involvement with the middle east and oil from the beginning of last century. And it's funny. Can't say fairer than that.

So, a mixed bag, but all highly recommended.

Imbolc

So, Imbolc tomorrow and, like last year, we had snow this morning. I just can't celebrate Imbolc until I've seen a snow-drop! (Rather than snow, dropping!)

But, despite this, I do feel the stirrings that it might be around the corner. That awful January blankness is starting to lift. Two sunny days are starting to kick that Spring hypermania into gear and list are starting to be made, plans being planned and writing being written.

So, this year, we need to do some dreaming - dreaming of our ideal life, our best life and then planning all the little ways we're going to gradually, very slowly, get to that point.

In an echo of this time last year, my husband's main job finishes in 10 days time, but looking back at where we were last year, we've moved forward so much. He's qualified now and teaching his first classes with the promise of lots more come September and lots of other avenues to pursue for applying for more. So, although his main job is going, he still has some work, so although we'll be back on the JSA, it's not quite the same.

My job is ongoing and I'm over halfway through my course now too. These changes are gradual and have taken real energy, commitment and faith and will continue to do so, but I'm holding on to the fact that so often the universe provides and changes are for the best. I'm also grimly determined that the children will not be given the example of Mummy and Daddy trudging out to work every day and hating what they do. I want the kids to see that work is something you can choose and change. T's something you control, not that controls you. I want to model a different way of relating work and family and money. Some days I worry I'm just modelling how to be very very skint. But, what the hell, I suppose that's a useful lesson too!

So, roll on the snow-drops. I'd love to hear when anyone else sees their first one!

Inspiration crashing down to earth

So, as you may not be surprised to hear, I've been reading again. This time The Self Sufficient-ish Bible by Andy & Dave Hamilton, and Do Good Lives Have to Cost the Earth? which is a series of essays by various learned people, edited by Andrew Simms. As always, these kind of books are really inspiring and make you want to get out there and make some redical changes! And then real life kicks in and I'm deflated.

Okay, we don't have a car to get rid of, we never fly, we're vegetarian and we try to grow as much of our own food as we can in the garden and allotment. We use public transport and cycle and walk. We buy second hand clothes or strictly fair-trade if new. We buy fairly traded tea, coffee, chocolate, sugar, bananas, rice and everything else we can manage to. We buy as much from our local farmer's market as we can. We don't buy lots of new 'stuff'. We have 1 small, old TV and 1 computer which was second-hand. We turn everything off stand-by, have low-energy light-bulbs and try to conserve water. We have a water butt in the back garden. We use only environmentally household cleaners, ditto with the minimal toiletries we use.

But I'm not saying all this to be smug - I know there is loads more we could do (there always is unless you live in a yurt in a field in total harmony with nature), but right now, I can't see how. And this is depressing. I look round the house in a fresh zeal for getting rid of stuff and clutter, and for reforming the way we live, and come up against a brick wall. What could I get rid of - PC, no I use that for working. Cookbooks? No I use them for cooking. Printer? No. SAD light? Definitely no. Table? No. Kitchen cupboards? No. Books? Maybe. We do have a cull every now and again and are quite strict about getting rid of stuff but the ones we keep are ones we read again or refer to. Similar with CDs - we try to download individual tracks mainly these days, and have culled our CD collections as much as we can right now, considering that music is a big thing for both of us.

Obviously, we do have a fair amount of kids' clutter, but looking at it, most of it is fairly harmless, if widely spread - paper, paints, penicls and crayons and pens, scrapbooks, works of art (!), worksheets, packaging recycled into craft creations, glue, scissors, lego, train track, toy cars, books. We're not talking high-tech consumer hell here. Upstairs - can't get rid of stored bedding, or clothes, would be foolish to get rid of sewing machine. Downstairs - tool-box is vital, sewing box, felt, wool, other crafting stuff, bicycle helmets, play pop-up tents, vacuum cleaner, clothes horse, crockery, cutlery, baking tins, string, seeds, matches, candles. All of this stuff is pretty basic day-to-day stuff. Of course, if we lived in an African village, we could and would do without it. But living here, in the UK in the 21st century, this stuff is fairly low tech and basic.

So, where do we go from here? Well, we just used the last possible spare money we have in replacing a window which was (according to the man who replaced it) in severe danger of falling out, with a new, A-rated double glazed and properly vented one which hopefully will help eliminate the black mould on the bedroom wall (eww) and add to the insulation of the house overall. Given that other windows are also in a similar state, it would probably be eco-friendly to replace them too but we can't afford it. I'd like to try and convert our toilet to run mainly on collected rain-water but that again takes money and know-how, neither of which I have right now. Apparently we can't do solar hot water as we don't have a water tank, but other PV panels might be a possibility. If we had the money which we don't. We could maybe add to the loft insulation, but it's pretty thick already, and we don't have any more money.

So here I am racketing round the house alone (kids asleep, husband out earning the cash we don't have), keyed up with righteous inspiration and no-where to expend it. Am I just deluding myself that there's nothing we can do right now? I don't see the point of getting rid of stuff for the sake of it, especially not stuff that we actually use and is constructive or harmless or both. Now I just feel depressed.

A new challenge for the new year

I've decided to stop washing my hair and see what happens. Since we moved house 2.5 years ago, I've spent a long time faffing about with my hair and being cross about it. The extremely hard water here (even harder than the hard London water in our previous house) just reacts with shampoo to make a scummy mess so that long hair like mine always looks limp, dull and in need of a wash.

I've been contemplating what to do about this - I've tried various shampoos, the best being Lush's Hard (a solid shampoo) and Lush's I Love Juicy (a liquid one), but I'm not prepared to go mainstream with our shampoos again. I tried washing it in rain-water which really helped but is not very practical for most of the year and is a real faff.

I could cut my hair, which I don't want to do as it doesn't look right short and would also need regular cuts which I don't do. I also thought about dreading it, but again, seems like a lot of hassle. I just want to leave it, occasionally brush it, but generally just leave it and it look OK enough so I'm not having major self-esteem issues over it.

I've tried using lemon juice, vinegar and bicarbonate of soda, and various combinations thereof, and just ended up with sticky hair or pips.

So finally, observing the fact my children seem to have lovely shiny, fluffy hair and yet wash it with shampoo once a month as the most, I have decided to do the same. Having researched this, it appears that most people experience a period of acclimatisation to not washing the hair with shampoo which can be from 4 weeks to 8 weeks. Some people don't find it ever acclimatises and stays a greasy mess. I guess I just have to try, so I'm giving it 8 weeks. I last used shampoo on Sunday 3 January, so I'll see where we are by late February.

Here's to 8 weeks of hats and tying my hair back. So far, so good.

New Year

And is it a new decade? I don't mean to be pedantic but I'm never sure exactly when a new decade starts - is 2010 the last year of the decade or the first year of a new one? There seemed to be much dissent about when the new millenium started - the end of 1999 or the end of 2000? Was there a year zero and if so, does this make any difference anyway? I'm rather confused. But, presuming it is a new decade, here's a quick resume of my decade, starting in 2000.

The new year of 2000 was memorable because me and my husband both had the worst flu we'd ever had and he had to delay starting a new job because of it. We had fairly recently adopted 2 cats, and I was working at a local FE College. During the year, I changed jobs to working for a charity which dealt with victims of medical accidents. I also started getting more involved with the local Pagan scene and with one specific group in particular.

In 2001 we bought our own flat and moved in in May. Towards the end of the year, I went part-time at work in order to be able to spend more time studying - I was coming to the end of my part-time degree. I started doing website moderating for the Pagan group I was involved with and also became their online agony aunt.

In 2002 I started the final year of my degree - it took me 6 years part-time altogether. I also started a new job for the government quango the Housing Corporation. It was another part-time job. I found out I was pregnant with my daughter within weeks of starting, and what with that and my degree I never really felt I got to grips with what I was supposed to be doing. I took my final exams at the end of the year while 6 months pregnant and stopped working at Christmas.

In February 2003 I gave birth to my eldest child, my daughter. Her planned homebirth went wrong and we ended up being transferred to hospital by ambulance and having an assisted birth which shocked us both with its brutality. Funnily enough, she took up the rest of the year. As planned, I didn't go back to work, and we were pretty much absorbed with her. We lost one of our cats, our beloved boy Sebastian to kidney failure.

In March 2004, we got married in a small, low-key but very enjoyable way and our daughter was the star of the show. At the end of the year, my book Solitary Eclectic Witchcraft was published. By the summer I was pregnant with my son and I spent most of the year being sick.

By the start of 2005 I was sick, shattered and depressed and ending up giving birth 3 weeks early in March. But it was a relatively peaceful homebirth as we had hoped and the rest of the year was spent adjusting to being a family of 4.

By 2006 we really needed to move out of our tiny flat but the process was not smooth and everything that had been planned since the spring of that year fell through just before Christmas, leaving us to start again the following year. I started self-publishing my writing, starting with a novel Towards The Sea, then my home education books Freya and Heath Are Home Educated and The Genie In The Teapot and then the follow-up to my previous book on Paganism, Thoughtful Pagan Living.

In 2007 I had a small article published in Green Parent magazine, then started writing for Hippyshopper, the green website. I also got published in Juno magazine and started the first of a series of articles published in The Mother. We finally managed to move house (and town) in July after a lot of stress. My brother-in-law got married the following weekend! It took me many months to settle into the new house and the new town, and I was still feeling upset and isolated at the end of 2007.

At the start of 2008, my job with Hippyshopper was cut and I started working for 63336 - a text-based question and answer company, where I've been working ever since. I also started meeting up with individual families in the local home education scene, culminating in co-starting a local meet-up in a park. I finished another novel, but have so far failed to get it published and am undecided about publishing it myself. I took over an overgrown allotment plot in May and we got our first crops from it in the autumn.

In the spring of 2009 we decided to formalise the home education group and moved it into a rented hall for weekly sessions in July, setting up our own bank account and getting our first funding shortly afterwards. I also joined a local fledgling Transition Group in the summer, but so far it doesn't really seem to be getting properly started. Our allotment was much more fruitful this year and we had onions for 4 months, potatoes for 6 months, and tons of carrots, swede, peas, and beetroot. We also had tomatoes, courgettes, strawberries, raspberries and French beans from the garden, and I made lots of jam from fruit either picked free locally or cheaply from the nearby Pick-Your-Own farm. I've also started work on a Young Adult novel. And started doing a course to learn to be a life coach.

And so, plans for 2010? My major plan for 2010 is to try and visualise in all areas of my life exactly what I'd like, ideally, and then try to make that happen, no matter how incrementally that might have to be. The dreams have to be as exact and ideal as possible, even if they are not practical or realistic, and only then must I sit down and work out in what ways I can achieve them. The dreaming is important, to give me the goal to aim for. I'm hoping to finish my course and start being a life coach. I'm hoping to finish my Young Adult novel and get it published. I'm hoping to continue working and running the Home Education Group and doing my allotment. I'm hoping to be inspired.

Musing on the Muse

I find it very hard to be creative at this time of the year; my inspiration seems to disappear as soon as the grey days start and rain falls. I've been doing some meditation on that and I think that my frustration at feeling unable to connect with inspiration gives my usual seasonal depression an additional edge. I'm no longer sure if it's the depression blocking my inspiration, or if my depression is partly fueled by my inability to create and both are caused by a third thing - ie the darkness.

My meditations and workings recently have all been centred in healing and health - for me and my family - but once we're all in good shape again, I'm planning to start meditations on inspiration and seeking my Muse again. For me, meditations on the sun seem a good place to start, but I wondered what other people use to kick-start their creativity while having a dry spell?

Obviously, being out in nature helps, but due to my back injury that has been difficult recently. This injury and our recent combined family ill-health have been a real shock to the system. It is scary quite how vulnerable we are, and how much of our carefully ordered life falls apart when I'm not very mobile even for a short while.

I think confidence has a certain amount to do with inspiration as well - or maybe it's just that confidence enhances my receptiveness to inspiration. I'll tend to question it less and act on it more when I'm feeling good about myself and my abilities. This is clearly also linked to my depression. Recently I read a certain famous series of books which, despite being bestsellers, are *really* badly written and it really knocked my confidence for several weeks. What is the point of spending years learning and practising my writing (and still not being published) when other people can get such badly written and derivative drivel published and have such a huge volume of sales?

Time is another factor. Sometimes I get a moment of inspiration but I'm in the middle of shopping, or doing some activity with the kids. If I was single with no ties or responsibilities I could write whenever the mood struck, through the night, without worrying about getting meals. I know these mundane things shouldn't interfere, but realistically they do. My kids have a prior claim on me, we all have to eat. Since my writing isn't bringing in any money, perhaps the time I spend doing it is self-indulgent and I shouldn't be trying to tempt the Muse at all. Maybe I should be glad I can't seem to write at the moment, and use the time to do some actual paid work.

I think I'm having an inspiration crisis, so I need to meditate on that. Any thoughts or wishes welcome!

Better & Worse

We seem to have a had a real catalogue of disasters since my last post - most of them relatively minor (but annoying!) domestic problems such as the light bulb in the fridge blowing, the doorbell falling off and some parts disappearing in the night, the handle of my daughter's window breaking meaning we can't open the window.

Others have been more worrying - another round of colds meaning none of us get any sleep, the fact that fell down the stairs getting up with my son in the night and hurt my back quite badly. This last one has set back many other things too - planting the rest of my onions and garlic, getting parts and mending the items damaged in the recent wave of domestic disasters.

It's very frustrating to be able to see what needs doing, have the time to sort it, but be unable to walk or cycle to the hardware shop, not to mention being unable to bend down or lean over to do the work itself.

But on the other hand, it was really nice to have a friend round yesterday and chat about stuff that had nothing to do with the kids or their education. Hooray for talking about other stuff!

And I also had a builder from a local green construction firm round to give us some advice about all our damp and condensation problems. I wasn't sure what to expect - maybe a hard sell for their firm to come and sort things out? But no, he was incredibly nice and incredibly patient. He looked at all the problem areas and gave me his opinion on what to do to sort them out. By the time he left, I had a list of stuff which would all help, in order of priority and in order of expense. None of the things were that expensive, a lot of it we could do ourselves, and one suggestion he made seems to have helped already, overnight. So, I'm feeling a bit better about the house now, hoping we can stop the damp and mould in its tracks. It's been a real weight off my mind, I had been so stressed about it all.

This year is really getting away from me though. I can't believe it's almost my birthday again. I'm determined to actually do something nice this year as last year everyone had a sickness bug for several weeks around my birthday and we couldn't do anything at all. Maybe a bit of celebrating in the greyness will help.

This post is brought to you courtesy of Philips Bright Light my cheery winter breakfast companion which, together with a couple of days of sunshine, is helping me continue on my weary way with at least a thread of humour...

Breastfeeding

I am passionate about breastfeeding. Neither of my children have ever had formula milk and they never had breastmilk from any container except my breast either. My 4.5 year old is still breastfeeding at least once a day. I say these things not to be smug or implicitly criticise anyone who did things differently but because I am really proud of them as my own achievements. And I also want to link to this article telling the truth about breastfeeding versus bottle-feeding.

Many women I've known have talked about the pressure to breastfeed and feeling angry about that, but I actually think that most women are lied to about the reality of bottle-feeding and many would be shocked and upset to learn the risks they are running for their babies' lives.

I don't think more pressure is what's needed. I think there needs to be more support and sharing of experience if problems are encountered, more support allowing women to take the time they need to feed their babies, more normalising of breastfeeding which is after all the normal way of feeding an infant rather than the highly artificial and unnatural bottle feeding.

Having watched a programme in the evening on a channel with adverts recently, which I haven't done for a while, I've been shocked at the kind of baby milk advertising that's allowed. After all, so many people boycott Nestle for just such promotion in developing countries, maybe we need a boycott of the people who make and show these adverts here.

The answers aren't simple. The reasons women don't breastfeed are social and economic and cultural. many women think they 'can't' breastfeed when they encounter a problem which can actually be solved with the correct advice, but they don't get the correct advice.

I'm not going to go into all the reasons here that are covered in the article, and before anyone flames me. Yes, I know breastfeeding isn't always easy, particularly in our culture where we don't grow up subconsciously learning how to do it from our mothers, sisters, aunts and friends. I know it can be hard to get support and I know their are special circumstances in which bottle feeding is necessary, in which case it is a lifesaver.

However, it is still the case that bottlefed babies are twice as likely to die in the first 6 weeks of life than breastfed babies. Twice as many! How many people learned that fact in their antenatal classes? The World Health Organisation considers formula milk to be 4th best for babies - so not even 2nd or 3rd best, in fact 4th best, their absolutely least preferred option. Baby junk food in fact. And the NHS spends £35 million a year on treating gastroenteritis in bottlefed babies. Maybe some of this should be covered in birth preparation classes so women can make a truly informed choice.

See La Leche League for help with breastfeeding.

Mooncups

I love my Mooncup and I would never ever go back to using tampons or pads ever again. I know that some people haven't heard of them, some people find it hard to use them, but I can honestly say it's been a liberation for me. I have found I need to empty it far fewer times than I would need to change even a Super PLus tampon, and I no longer have to get up at night during the first few days of my period. It had a learning curve, sure, but then so did tampons when I first used them.

And for anyone who thinks they are expensive at £19.99, here's a bit of maths for you. I first used my Mooncup 6 years ago. Since then I calculate I've had 45 periods. Using 20 Super, 16 Regular and around 10 liners (all organic Natracare) at least, for each period cost me around £6.18 per period. Therefore, since 2003, I've saved myself £278.10 purely by using a Mooncup. (Plus my Mooncup only cost me £14.99 back then.) And my Mooncup should last me at least another 5 years, probably more.

And that's without thinking of the amount of rubbish I've kept out of landfill (or the sewers if you're naughty). So, for anyone thinking of taking the Mooncup plunge, or who had never heard of them till now, go on, try one, it could change your life or at least save you quite a decent amount of cash.

Little House Not On The Prairie

Today I've felt very much like Ma from the Little House series, or (for Georgette Heyer fans) like Jenny from A Civil Contract - all housewifely! So a quick run-down of my day:
- got up and fed my son for half an hour to help clear blocked up ears from a minor cold he has.
- put the washing in the washing machine, sorted out breakfast.
- got me and children washed and dressed.
- Mum and Dad came round and we all went to the allotment where we weeded, dug and harvested.
- got lunch for everyone.
- put washing out.
- washed up.
- boiled, peeled, chopped and pickled 2.5 lbs of beetroot from the allotment.
- peeled, chopped, blanched and froze 2.5 lbs of carrots from the allotment.
- made a lemon drizzle cake with the lemon my mum brought me.
- made pizza dough.
- washed up.
- comforted my son when he punched himself in the mouth with the end of the sink plunger which he was sticking to the floor and then pulling up with a popping sound. Came up unexpectedly hard that time.
- finished pizza and got tea on the table.
- got washing in.

And now I have to start getting the kids to bed, reading to them and getting them to sleep. Well, at least I've got a lot done today!
- made afternoon snack.