Monday 24 August 2009

Books I've been reading

Well, I've read, in fairly quick succession: The Continuum Concept by Jean Liedloff
and The Idle Parent by Tom Hodgkinson and Winning Parent, Winning Child by Jan Fortune-Wood which was quite an interesting juxtaposition.
I know many people Tom Hodgkinson's style rather annoying, but as I truly think his earlier book How to be Free should be required reading for everyone, I think I would recommend it, taken with a pinch of salt. It does sound like he enjoys a bit of lying down in the sun with a beer in his hand while the kids run wild, but, hey, that's not such a bad ambition. His 'message' is quite similar to Deborah Jackson's in Letting Go as Children Grow, ie, not to get in your children's way as they go about their business, only with more drinking and ukelele-playing. It is also similar to Liedloff's account of how the Yequana Indians treat their children (and Hodgkinson recommends The Continuum Concept). I enjoyed Hodgkinson's book without it really telling me anything new, and some bits I disagreed with. But I reckon he wouldn't be too bothered about that if you met him in person. He comes across as quite affable.
I was surprised that I didn't really like The Continuum Concept. Having read many books based on its ground-breaking parenting methods, and agreed with many of the concepts within Attachment Parenting, based partly on Liedloff's suggestions (such as long-term breastfeeding, co-sleeping, and baby-wearing), I actually found this original work rather annoying. I found her style awkward and I wasn't at all sure that she had anywhere near enough evidence to back up some of the claims and assumptions she made. Other people (including Deborah Jackson, Margot Sunderland and Sue Gerhardt) have since provided plenty of hard evidence for the benefits of these things and were the basis for my adopting them, as well as my own instincts backing them, but the evidence presented in The Continuum Concept only supported her assertion that something was different about this tribe compared to Western culture - it could have been the diet, the weather, the environment, the lack of pollution, a combination of these things that made this difference, not necessarily the way children were brought up.
I also was rather uncomfortable about the apparently idyllic and 'natural' lifestyle of Liedloff's Indians (a criticism which was incidentally shared by Jan Fortune-Wood) - in that their culture was patriarchal and seemed to suppress any innovation or deviation from their culture's norms. I wondered what happened to gay people in their culture, or those who did not want or could not have children? The whole set-up seemed to be purely consisting of extended families, with women doing repetitive domestic work and men hunting. I also wondered what happened to anyone who did transgress the norms of this society? In my reading of other anthropological works it seems that the threat of being cast out of the tribe is a rather effective one in this kind of culture, and keeps people toeing the line rather well.
I was also rather ambivalent about Winning Parent, Winning Child. This book is about the consensual approach to bringing up children, also called autonomous or Taking Children Seriously (TCS). Obviously I agree that bringing up children consensually as much as possible is a good thing, and should be everyone's aim. However, I don't go as far as Jan Fortune-Wood in this book, in that I *do* have a bottom line past which I will not be pushed, as far as children are concerned, and I also *do* consider myself to be in charge. We don't go in for punishment in our household, and we do a lot of talking, explaining, reasoning and finding solutions, but there are also some (loving) rules. Fortune-Wood asserts that coercion of *any* kind, including the approaches I have just mentioned, damages children, possibly beyond repair. I find this very depressing, even though she presents no evidence for it. She also asserts that there are always solutions to every problem, even if they are only theoretical. Call me mad, but I don't find a theoretical solution remotely helpful. And now I feel a total failure in every situation in our family in which I cannot find a solution. Obviously my creative thinking is limited, as she says. And maybe I have damaged my children, but they (like adults, in my experience) are not always rational beings who will engage with problem solution. Sometimes, they are selfish, angry, grumpy children who only want what they want and will not budge an inch. Are mine the only ones? Surely not...
However, I do also recommend this book as it's always good to reminded what we should be aiming for, and challenged in our thinking.

8 comments:

arwen_tiw said...

Once again I think you've just summed up my thinking about those authors also!

Something that bothers me in general about many parenting books is the attitude that as parents we MAKE our. If they are easy it is because we are following the right method. If they are difficult then we are not meeting their needs! It is a denial of their individuality to believe that we can take all of the credit or all of the blame.

That was a long way of saying that I totally get why you now have the voice of TCS in your head every time consensus can't be reached, and I think that as an approach it is very low on parental support and encouragement. ;)

Liz said...

Thank you Sarah, I was worrying I would be flamed for my views on this! I think that you have a similar approach to us, in that, you know your children thoroughly, try to parent gently, try to inquire into problems and encourage solutions which suit everyone in the family, but at the bottom line you have some rules which you make happen if need be - do I have that right?
The TCS approach does make me feel like a failure because I just can't make it work for us and according to them, that's *my* personal failing.

Laura said...

Thanks for the reviews Liz. I had similar feelings about the continuum concept. Have yet to read anything by Jsan Fortune Wood but have her books on my wishlist. I can relate to what you are saying though. I felt that way after reading Dayna Martin's stuff and exploring radical unschooling. I can't always find win-win situations and i do feel like a failure in those cases. But you are right, it is something to aim for at ealst. You definitely aren't the only one who feels like that. :-)

Jacqui said...

Interesting reviews there. I haven't read any of TH's books, mainly because I get annoyed with well off folk telling us how good it is to live simply and how wonderful life is when you just lie around with a beer in your hand etc, etc, - very narrow minded of me I know but...
I did not get on with the CC - despite all the reviews saying what a life changing book it is. As you say - as long as you fit in with the cultural norms - also, from what I recall, they all seemed to spend quite a lot of their time drunk!
I have read one of JFW's books, but we already use what i now know to be TTC when practical - i.e We ask ourselves - does this matter in the scheme of things? Sometimes it doesn't, but sometimes it does and we have to take charge, despite the consequences. I really don't think my 2 year old will be irrevocable damaged by that. There are so many parenting books out there, but none of them really know me or my children, so ...

Cave Mother said...

I agree with your summation of the Continuum Concept though I haven't read the other books. This might sound very boring, but I tend to think that what a lot of these parenting-book authors lack is a bit of plain old common sense. Sometimes I wonder if they live in the same world as the rest of us. You are entirely right to have some basic ground rules. And I will not be letting my daughter run around with red hot brands as Jean Liedloff suggests you should.

Evans family said...

great reviews of the books you have been reading, as you said your sefl, and I agree, it is so refreshing to hear of people with simialr ideas as your self. We / I very much seem to follow the same train of thoughts as yourself. I did like the TH books..have you read. the Idle parent, thats one of his too. Winning paretn, winning child, I found I juct coulnt get to grips with that one, might try again though, love the theory of it....BB

Evans family said...

apologies for the spelling mistakes...I really must go to bed earlier....lol

Evans family said...

oh....see what I mean..you HAVE read Idle Parent, sorry....