Honour & Inspiration

Serious planning

2011-02-28T02:14:00.001-08:00

So, it's March tomorrow and we are into some serious planning for our future life, but it's all so difficult. Why is something so simple that we want to do so bloody difficult? We are very lucky in that we both own property (well, part-own it with ex-partners and the bank!) and so we have capital we can invest in our plans - except - that we can't actually get at the capital without selling our home out from underneath ourselves without anywhere else to go! If it was just the 2 of us adults, I'd have no hesitation doing this, but there are all our children to consider, plus we need constant access to a workshop so we can be making the things which will form the basis of our future income. And so the whole thing gets more and more complicated, as we research more and more outlandish ways of getting our hands on the cash or of bridging the homeless gap. And all that is without the difficulty of trying to find a suitable plot of land of the right size and composition, in the right place, at a vaguely suitable price, and at the right time.

It would be easy to despair and just carry on with the same old jobs/mortgage/small house in a town grind as everything else just seems so hard, but we won't let go of this. There *must* be a way, we just need to find it. I won't be made to live in a way which feels increasingly alien to me when we could have our own land and live our own way.

We're planning a trip to a local(ish) Sustainability Centre to get some ideas and some practical inspiration in the near future, and in the meantime, the building of our first yurt continues apace. the crown/wheel is now pretty much finished and looking great. We have collected over half the poles we need, we have acquired an old-fashioned, heavy-duty, hand-cranked sewing machine for sewing the canvas, so I suppose we are making slow, small progress. Watch this space.

Up and Down

2011-02-04T02:21:00.000-08:00

That is how I am at the moment. Now, I do tend to the volatile at the best of times, and usually February is not the best of times for me, but I have to say I'm rather more violently up and down at the moment than is usual even for me. I guess things have been changing so hugely and I've been clinging to a small wooden raft of sanity riding the heavy, storm-tossed seas of a completely and rapidly changing life. Given that circumstances have been so extraordinary, I have found within myself an emergency measure of optimism and a genuine sense of excitement and anticipation at the thought of our new life which has kept me going over one of the greyest and dullest winters I can remember recently.

But yesterday I felt so utterly down and defeated, and do you know what triggered that feeling? Something so utterly stupid that I was ashamed at myself for letting it get to me so much: the internet broke. It's not the first time this has happened and I'm sure it won't be the last time, but this time it did it half an hour before a friend came to take the children to the home ed group for me so I could have the rest of the day to do some much-needed work. I work online. Do you see where this is going? This was Thursday, the phone helpline assured me that there was nothing they could do to fix the fault right there (we'd already tried all the usual quick fixes) and that an engineer would speedily be with me... on Saturday. I nearly cried. Then I started swearing. Not at the call centre person, I hasten to add.

So I spent the whole day not being able to work, and not being able to do much else useful either due to a broken toe preventing me from walking very far. And do you know what? Five minutes before the children were due back, the bloody, sodding internet magically came back! And how stupid did I feel that I'd let such a trivial thing cast me down so much? Very stupid. And yet, could I manage to pull myself out of the Slough of Despond. No, I bloody well couldn't. So there you have it, a day in the life of my emotions. I have enough distance from them to be able to see how silly I'm being and yet can't seem to use that self-knowledge to fully change my state. Very frustrating. But hell, today is a new day, the internet is working, it's Friday, I still can't walk very far, but the determined optimism is back. Everything *will* work out OK. I hope anyone reading this is also having a better day.

Imbolc

2011-02-01T00:12:00.000-08:00

So, Imbolc is nearly upon us and I finally saw my first snow-drops yesterday. I'm feeling very in tune with the time of year this year. So many things in my life have been in limbo, lying dormant over the the dark time between Samhain and now. But, now I can feel the new growth, new ideas, creativity and new life just waiting to burst out. It's pulsing, sap rising, just below the surface, and the flurry of action and activity is about to burst forth into bud, leaf and flower.

We attended a fine Imbolc ritual at Anderida on Sunday and I feel that Brigit's awen and Bardship were fully called into being and celebrated. It was fiercely cold on that hillside under the watchful gaze of the Long Man, and I had to hobble up the hill and then down again with much help from a staff and other people as I had stupidly and clumsily broken my big toe 3 days before. It was probably a silly idea to even try to do it, but it was just one of those things that I *had* to do. I needed to be with my tribe and celebrate the returning light and inspiration.

This year is not going to be an easy one. There are going to be many challenges, many practical difficulties, many steep learning curves, a lot of changes, and even at the end of all that, we may not get exactly what we want, but I know that we'll give it the absolute best shot we can, and that's what I'm holding on to. Whatever happens, things will be very different by the time we arrive at the next dark time. I'm excited by what lies ahead, and very much looking forward to seeing where we are by Samhain this year.

Blessings of Brigit to you all.

A New Era

2011-01-25T04:41:00.000-08:00

As you may have noticed, I haven't been blogging regularly for some months now. As those of you who know me in real life know, this is because of a major upheaval in my life. I met and fell in love with someone new and we have both moved heaven and earth, including splitting up our respective marriages, to be together, which we now are. And here begins the new chapter in our lives. This year is going to see some huge changes in our lifestyle and living and working arrangements. We are hoping to be able to buy some land and start some businesses on it, including sustainability workshops for children, managing the woodland, keeping chickens and bees, growing our own food as much as possible, wood-working, maybe charcoal-burning, meditation workshops. We are hoping to gain permission to live on the land in temporary, low-impact dwellings, preferably yurts, and thereby be mortgage-free and needing much less income. So far we are just in the planning stages and much depends on things that we don't know yet, but I'm aiming to keep a record of what happens here, and also to be able to promote our businesses as each gets up and running - hence yesterday's post about my life coaching and my partner's Etsy shop. I hope some of you will be interested in our journey, as the home education of my children also continues, and my partner's 2 children also join in our adventure as and when they are with us. As Imbolc approaches, I can feel the new season starting and the time for new ventures ripening. Watch this space...

Etsy shop

2011-01-23T11:38:00.000-08:00

Well, it's been a long time since I posted anything on my blog and I'll try to get back into the habit of updating it a bit more. Life has been hectic and included some major and fundamental changes since last September. Slowly, a new life is taking shape but there's plenty more change to come yet, probably including a house move this year.

So, here's what I wanted to say today. This is my partner's Etsy shop - he's a talented wood-worker and wood-turner and he has some lovely stuff on there - handmade rune sets, wands and such-like. He can also do commissions or make stuff to order - so contact him via his Etsy page if there's something you want to discuss.

Also, I have now got my life coaching business, Firefly Life Coaching, up and running. So, if anyone wants life coaching, please contact me! I practise from a spiritual and intuitive perspective, but I'm also fully qualified and insured and can coach by phone wherever you happen to be!

That is all for now!

Aftermath

2010-08-17T00:45:00.000-07:00

The following poem was written by Siegfried Sassoon in 1919, less than a year after the end of WWI. He was already afraid that the horror was being forgotten, that this could happen again, after all their sacrifice. Thinking about this year and the deaths of the last few WWI veterans, the suicide bombers, the wars, the nuclear proliferation, I wonder what he'd think about the world of 2010?

Aftermath

Have you forgotten yet?...
For the world's events have rumbled on since those gagged days,
Like traffic checked while at the crossing of city-ways:
And the haunted gap in your mind has filled with thoughts that flow
Like clouds in the lit heaven of life; and you're a man reprieved to go,
Taking your peaceful share of Time, with joy to spare.
But the past is just the same--and War's a bloody game...
Have you forgotten yet?...
Look down, and swear by the slain of the War that you'll never forget.

Do you remember the dark months you held the sector at Mametz--
The nights you watched and wired and dug and piled sandbags on parapets?
Do you remember the rats; and the stench
Of corpses rotting in front of the front-line trench--
And dawn coming, dirty-white, and chill with a hopeless rain?
Do you ever stop and ask, 'Is it all going to happen again?'

Do you remember that hour of din before the attack--
And the anger, the blind compassion that seized and shook you then
As you peered at the doomed and haggard faces of your men?
Do you remember the stretcher-cases lurching back
With dying eyes and lolling heads--those ashen-grey
Masks of the lads who once were keen and kind and gay?

Have you forgotten yet?...
Look up, and swear by the green of the spring that you'll never forget.

Is it just me...

2010-08-15T12:52:00.001-07:00

...or does anyone else feel a little bit uncomfortable about *celebrating* VJ (Victory in Japan) Day? I mean, I can understand celebrating the end of the war, and I know that many Japanese POWs were treated horrendously. But just remembering those 2 atomic bombs - Little Boy and Fat Man - that ended the war and their consequences for the people of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, as well as for the world in general since, I can't help but think that celebrating this in any way is somewhat distasteful. Especially bearing in mind the questions that have since been raised about whether or not they were actually 'necessary' (putting aside general discussions on whether the use of atomic weapons can ever be deemed necessary).

As ever, no answers, just questions, doubts and points to raise.

Pondering disasters - man-made and natural

2010-08-08T23:50:00.000-07:00

Today is the 65th anniversary of the atomic bombing of Nagasaki which killed around 80,000 in the first day or two after detonation. The 65th anniversary of the bombing of Hiroshima was on Friday, and Little Boy killed 166,000 people there in the first two days alone.

Discussion continues recently of the best way to preserve and restore Auschwitz as a historical site so the Holocaust can never be forgotten or denied.

The current floods in Pakistan are affecting around 12 million people now, and although the known death toll is only around 1500 this is mainly because many bodies have yet to be found (and probably never will) and because the diseases and famine which will kill so many more have yet to strike.

I've been thinking about these items which have come up on the news in the last few days, and wondering how to expain them to my children - to all our children. The floods are the easy part - children seem to be born with a natural appreciation of the awe-inspiring power of nature. Nature is neither good nor bad, it just is. And natural disasters happen. Though it is hard to explain why we can't help more, why rescue workers can't get to people trapped in valleys by the flood waters.

But how to explain atomic bombs and the Holocaust? In fact, I think I'd find it easier to explain atomic bomsb than the Holocaust. Obviously, children need to know and need to know thoroughly about these things, to ensure they never happen again, but bloody hell, doesn't some of your innocence die when you discover mankind is capable of such things?

Disaster in Pakistan

2010-08-02T10:36:00.001-07:00

Over 1 million people have been affected by the floods in Pakistan and as the flood water contaminates the drinking water, disease will surely spread. All those of us who have children can imagine what it would be like trying to nurture your family under those circumstances, so I urge everyone who can manage even a tiny amount to donate the appeal now.

Coming up to Lammas

2010-07-29T00:30:00.000-07:00

And this year I'm feeling much more connected to this special time of year. Due to such a late spring, my own garden harvest is more in tune, time-wise, with the wheat harvest, so they chime together this year. Also, I feel I am progressing along my spiritual path so much more than last year. I've made a lot of changes, met some people (coincidentally?), started some spiritual studying, been meditating much more regularly and deeply, and started studying and practising journeying.

Looking at our lives in the year since the previous harvest, I wonder what we'll be harvesting, in a personal sense, this year? There is a general sense of plans long laid finally coming to fruition, what with my husband's new job really taking off and me finishing my life coaching course and finally starting to set up my practice. When you add in my son finally self-weaning and the the whole feeling of 'moving on a phase' in the area of child-rearing, things are exciting and scary as changes are happening.

So, we'll be making our Lammas loaf with love this weekend, and I now have a group celebration to go to as well the following weekend, which I'm also looking forward to. There is balance. For now.

Oil

2010-07-27T11:55:00.000-07:00

After the devastating events in the Gulf of Mexico recently, you'd think people would be extra careul there with oil, wouldn't you? Well, actually, no. It seems that a boat knocked the top of a shallow-water well-head only today! Which made me wonder what else is going on that is only reported very quietly, or not at all?

Obviously, there is the Chinese oil spill which may or may not have been contained now, depending on which news you read. And which has not been reported with anything like the excitement of the Gulf of Mexico one.

Then there was an 8 day spill into the Red Sea last month which didn't seem to be reported in the major news outlets at all.

Plus spills in Salt Lake City, Singapore, Great Keppel Island in Australia, Port Arthur in Texas, and the Yellow River in China - and that's just in 2010. People seem to be mighty careless with this increasingly precious resource - and that's just the oil, as to how they treat the enviornment it leaks into, that's nothing short of criminal. And yet there don't seem to be criminal charges pending as a result of any of these spills, to my knowledge.

Is it only me who finds this very disquieting?

Sudden Oak Death

2010-07-25T06:43:00.000-07:00

Felling of thousands of trees has started due to Sudden Oak Death, a disease also known as Phytophthora ramorum which was first discovered in California in 1995 and has now spread to Europe. Despite its name, it doesn't only infect oaks, and in fact it started in Japanese larches in the UK. It is hoped that by felling trees around known areas of infection, the spread can be halted. There are now 40 sites of suspected infection in Devon and Cornwall and the disease has also been found in Wales and East Anglia. Landowners and tree-lovers are asked to be vigilant and report signs of infection.

Pagans, nature-lovers and anyone who has a morsel of decent feeling should be deeply concerned about this, and other recent outbreaks of diseases affecting our native trees.

New henge found

2010-07-25T01:28:00.000-07:00

You wait for a henge for 2000 years and then 2 come along at once! Archaeologists have found a new henge only 900m from Stonehenge. It was discovered as part of a new 3 year survey of the whole area around Stonehenge and the scientists involved are confident that other huge discoveries will be made before the time is up. This new survey could throw new light on the meaning and use of henges in the area, and indeed around Britain for that matter.

Thoughts on Beltaine

2010-05-03T01:04:00.000-07:00

Well, I haven't posted for a long time as I've had lots of stuff to work out in my head which has been too private to share. Finishing breast-feeding has really felt like the end of an era and has prompted a lot of soul-searching before realising that, obviously, the end of one era is always the beginning of a new one. This realisation has been liberating and exciting as well as terrifying and worrying. I've had to do a lot of thinking about what exactly I want to do nowadays. Who am I now that that first white-hot crucible of intense motherhood has cooled a little?

So, now I feel my creativity is returning, I want to focus more on my spirituality, spread my wings outside the family circle a little, get involved with things a little. But, as much as that attracts it, it also scares me a bit. The cycle of change has already started though, and I can't stop it. I don't want to stop it. I'm sure that it's no coincidence that my son stopped feeding just before the Spring Equinox, kicking off a year's cycle of change and growth. I wonder where we'll by by the winter solstice this year?

Some thoughts on the end of breast-feeding

2010-03-27T13:24:00.000-07:00

I think we really have stopped, although I suppose the real test will come with the first non-feeding illness. But, for the moment presuming we've stopped, I have a few thoughts on the matter.

Given that breastfeeding, especially when combined with co-sleeping, seems to affect the deepness of a person's sleep I am currently also wondering about its effect on meditation. The reason is this. I meditate, and have tried to do so semi-regularly for years. When I had my first baby this went out of the window for a bit and it certainly did when I had my second baby. However, when they went past the baby stage and especially when my son started actually sleeping during the night, I started meditating again. It did seem hard and a struggle and I presumed this was because of lack of practice or focus, however, now that he's stopped feeding I suddenly find it much easier to get back to that deep level of trance that I used to achieve. I also definitely feel much more deeply asleep at night, despite still co-sleeping with both children (and of course my husband!). Has anyone else experienced this?

I am also wondering about the effect on the relationship with my son. The breastfeeding relationship gives you a very intense closeness with a child. I can't comment on how it is different to a relationship with a bottle-fed child as I've never bottle-fed, but I certainly remember feeling a shift in the relationship between me and my daughter when she finished feeding and now I'm noticing a similar shift with my son. I presume it is a temporary thing - a re-establishing of the relationship in a different way, but it was different with my daughter as I was heavily pregnant and about to gain a second child, so all that issue was also wrapped up in the end of the breastfeeding relationship. Also, with her the relationship was only almost 2 years old, rather than 5 years old.

I'm not really sure of the point I'm trying to make but I'd love to hear from other full-term breastfeeders about the thoughts and issues they had when the journey finally ended.

Spring Equinox

2010-03-21T13:58:00.001-07:00

So, another equinox and this was a good one despite the incessant drizzle. We dyed hard-boiled eggs using wet tissue paper:

We made Marble cake for it's equal darkness and light kind of qualities, plus it was very nice to eat!
And we had an equinox egg hunt, in which the children found these:

Plus of course much thinking of balance and the start of new projects. I had the image of an eagle in my equinox meditation which has given me much food for thought. I hope everyone else had as good a start to the summer!

Another birthday

2010-03-08T00:45:00.000-08:00

This time my son's 5th birthday, made all the more piquant by the fact that he finally weaned 3 days before his birthday, making it feel all the more like an end of an era and the start of a new one.

The birthday cake this year was an aeroplane, which was amazingly difficult!

And I made some felt tarts - my son's is the blue one and my daughter's (unbirthday present) is the pink one.

It was a lovely day seeing family and lots of good food, and the inevitable reminisces of the day my son was born, can it really be 5 years ago? My little boy is really growing up - though don't tell him that. He has decided he will not be getting any older than 5 and a quarter, so we'll just have to hope he changes his mind at some point during the coming year.

Wanting to get active again

2010-03-04T00:58:00.000-08:00

So, I find the wheel of life is turning and once again I am wanting to focus more on my spirituality, and share it more with my children now they are old enough to understand. I would love to find a person or two in the local area that I can share my Pagan path with and maybe do the odd eclectic ritual even! Preferably in family-friendly gatherings with children involved.

The trouble is (and all you Pagans out there will really know what I mean here), how to find people who *aren't mad*? I'm very wary of getting involved with any of the big groups, having gone down that route rather less than successfully. The PF don't really have any moots, groups or gathering close by (and I've been to their London Open Rituals lots of times in the past and not really been that impressed) and I'm not getting involved with CoA again. I am too scared to put a note in my local new age shop because that will definitely draw out the nutters.

My faith is not ceremonial, not Wicca, not 'new agey'. My faith is very practical, very down to earth, mainly based in the kitchen and the garden, but I'm feeling the need for some 'outward display' for want of any other term, partly in order to instruct my children in this, the faith of their family.

It would also be great to be able to meditate with other people, whether this be in a shared 'working', or just as individuals practising together.

I'm a bit stumped and hoping that if I put this idea out there in the universe, some link will be made and a sane friend of a friend maybe will become known to me.

Those of you who are Pagan and practise with a group, how did you find your group? I repeat, I'm not Wiccan and I'm not looking for initiation or a coven, just a few like-minded people. I don't particularly wish to teach or be taught, just a kind of sharing as we each wander our own path.

Any ideas?

Thoughts on violent play

2010-03-01T12:54:00.000-08:00

I hadn't really had to think about violent play until recently. My children (boy and girl) both get very physical and I generally leave them to it unless they're breaking the furniture or really doing my head in. I'm really passionate about free play for children and they need that safety valve. But recently we had a problem with violent play that went too far at our home ed group and so I've been researching into what could go wrong, and found these words in Sue Palmer's 21st Century Boys: How Modern Life Can Drive Them off the Rails and How to Get Them Back on Track: "Critical to this was that the 'gun, fashioned by himself, was his own imaginative construction and could thus become whatever he wanted. A shop-bought toy gun doesn't have that same transformational power. In the words of the major British researcher in this field, Penny Holland, when a child is given a manufactured replica toy, 'the toy determines the play, not the child'. So the problem is not little boys running around shouting 'bang, bang, you're dead' but a society that commercialises every aspect of children's lives."

She goes on to say that this commercialisation means that children are "trapped in a manufacured adult fantasy".

And this is the nub of the matter, I feel. I'm finding Palmer's book very interesting, at least as practical and useful as her earlier Toxic Childhood: How The Modern World Is Damaging Our Children And What We Can Do About It which I reviewed a long while back. However, the trouble is, what do you do if you bring your boys (and girls!) up right, don't give them commercialised toys, don't expose them to marketing and junk play, but then they come into contact with others who have been saturated in this kind of rubbish? My boy isn't so easily influenced thankfully, purely because he doesn't seem to be your stereotypical boy, but in a group setting when the oldest and those looked up to as role models are trapped in the commericalised adult fantasies, it skews the whole group dynamics and means that trusting that free play will be safe and fair cannot be done. Which is a shame.

Birthday

2010-02-17T12:19:00.000-08:00

It is my daughter's 7th birthday today. So, firstly, a couple of pictures. Her birthday cake, lovingly hand-crafted by me (it's a butterfly of course, just in case you can't tell!):

And the felt cakes I made for her as part of her birthday present (the one with pink icing) and my son as an 'unbirthday' present (the blue icing):

Birthdays are a strange thing - stressful and exciting and unsettling in equal measures, even when the birthday is not your own. Of course, the birthday of a child brings to mind thoughts of the pregnancy with that child and of the day they were born. It reminds us of time passing and of how much the child has changed and learned and developed into their own person.

It also makes me think of how much I have learned as a parent since my daughter (my eldest child) was born, and makes me wonder if I could do it all better if I were to do it all over again. Which I am not going to.

And then there's all the social pressure associated with children's birthdays. I'm lucky, as my children are home educated there hasn't been any peer pressure on them to request big, expensive parties with every person in there class and junk food, party bags and lots of consuming of plastic tat. Or maybe it's just their personalities anyway. Either way, it's been lovely to have a relaxing but fun day with visits by various grandparents, uncles and aunts throughout the day, a homemade cake with all organic ingredients and no colourings, homemade pizza for tea, and fairly low-key presents, such as books and craft kits.

It's just made me wonder why we have to wait for a birthday or special occasion to gather everyone together. Hmm, one to ponder on. How to get all the family together in a similar relaxed fashion more often?

So, now all there is to do is to pop the wrapping paper into the kids' craft box for re-use in art masterpieces, look forward to my son's 5th birthday in 2.5 weeks, and have an evening in a very weird head-space thinking about birth and pregnancy and fertility and the passage of time and parenting skills.

Noughts & Crosses, Kryten and the cute one from The Mary Whitehouse Experience

2010-02-07T08:21:00.000-08:00

OK, bear with me as these 3 things don't really go together but they are the things I've been doing recently!

Firstly, the Noughts & Crosses trilogy of books (in 4 parts, of course, as all good trilogies appear to be!) by Malorie Blackman are utterly fantastic. Noughts and Crosses is the first part. If you haven't heard of these books, they are children's books, though very much for older teens, set in an alternative contemporary world where Crosses (dark-skinned) are the donimant race and Noughts (light-skinned) are oppressed and ignored. It uses very clever subversion to illustrate how things can be unfair and prejudiced and explores the themes of race and terrorism in a very clear and compelling way. A warning: these books are very traumatic but utterly addictive. Despite their very bleak story, you won't be able to put them down until you've found out what happens at the end of the final book. They are not an easy read emotionally but they are powerful and extraordinarily well-written and tightly plotted.

Secondly, Kryten. OK, not actually Kryten by his alter ego Robert Llewellyn and more specifically his book Sold Out: How I Survived a Year of Not Shopping. Now, I've read a number of these books about not spending or cutting down and they all become much of a muchness after a while, but this one was different. It wasn't a diary-style memior of his triumphs and failures in his self-imposed challenge. It was a themed look at the reasons behind it and the issues which came up for him and how they linked in to his personal history and current family situation. A much better prospect. And I think one of the best books of this kind that I've ever read. Funny, honest, thoughtful and insightful

Thirdly, Rob Newman. OK, hands up who lusted after him back in the early 90s when he was part of the 'comedy is the new rock'n'roll' Mary Whitehouse Experience. Well, now he has truly become the thinking green woman's crumpet as a political activist, and if you want to improve your mind, have a laugh and a bit of eye-candy all in one fell swoop, I can do no better than to recommend this DVD: Robert Newman - History Of Oil. This is intellectual stand-up, powered by cyclists. This is a fantastic way of getting across the reasons behind green politics, and a really interesting history lesson on the west's involvement with the middle east and oil from the beginning of last century. And it's funny. Can't say fairer than that.

So, a mixed bag, but all highly recommended.

Imbolc

2010-02-01T12:56:00.000-08:00

So, Imbolc tomorrow and, like last year, we had snow this morning. I just can't celebrate Imbolc until I've seen a snow-drop! (Rather than snow, dropping!)

But, despite this, I do feel the stirrings that it might be around the corner. That awful January blankness is starting to lift. Two sunny days are starting to kick that Spring hypermania into gear and list are starting to be made, plans being planned and writing being written.

So, this year, we need to do some dreaming - dreaming of our ideal life, our best life and then planning all the little ways we're going to gradually, very slowly, get to that point.

In an echo of this time last year, my husband's main job finishes in 10 days time, but looking back at where we were last year, we've moved forward so much. He's qualified now and teaching his first classes with the promise of lots more come September and lots of other avenues to pursue for applying for more. So, although his main job is going, he still has some work, so although we'll be back on the JSA, it's not quite the same.

My job is ongoing and I'm over halfway through my course now too. These changes are gradual and have taken real energy, commitment and faith and will continue to do so, but I'm holding on to the fact that so often the universe provides and changes are for the best. I'm also grimly determined that the children will not be given the example of Mummy and Daddy trudging out to work every day and hating what they do. I want the kids to see that work is something you can choose and change. T's something you control, not that controls you. I want to model a different way of relating work and family and money. Some days I worry I'm just modelling how to be very very skint. But, what the hell, I suppose that's a useful lesson too!

So, roll on the snow-drops. I'd love to hear when anyone else sees their first one!

Inspiration crashing down to earth

2010-01-18T13:16:00.000-08:00

So, as you may not be surprised to hear, I've been reading again. This time The Self Sufficient-ish Bible by Andy & Dave Hamilton, and Do Good Lives Have to Cost the Earth? which is a series of essays by various learned people, edited by Andrew Simms. As always, these kind of books are really inspiring and make you want to get out there and make some redical changes! And then real life kicks in and I'm deflated.

Okay, we don't have a car to get rid of, we never fly, we're vegetarian and we try to grow as much of our own food as we can in the garden and allotment. We use public transport and cycle and walk. We buy second hand clothes or strictly fair-trade if new. We buy fairly traded tea, coffee, chocolate, sugar, bananas, rice and everything else we can manage to. We buy as much from our local farmer's market as we can. We don't buy lots of new 'stuff'. We have 1 small, old TV and 1 computer which was second-hand. We turn everything off stand-by, have low-energy light-bulbs and try to conserve water. We have a water butt in the back garden. We use only environmentally household cleaners, ditto with the minimal toiletries we use.

But I'm not saying all this to be smug - I know there is loads more we could do (there always is unless you live in a yurt in a field in total harmony with nature), but right now, I can't see how. And this is depressing. I look round the house in a fresh zeal for getting rid of stuff and clutter, and for reforming the way we live, and come up against a brick wall. What could I get rid of - PC, no I use that for working. Cookbooks? No I use them for cooking. Printer? No. SAD light? Definitely no. Table? No. Kitchen cupboards? No. Books? Maybe. We do have a cull every now and again and are quite strict about getting rid of stuff but the ones we keep are ones we read again or refer to. Similar with CDs - we try to download individual tracks mainly these days, and have culled our CD collections as much as we can right now, considering that music is a big thing for both of us.

Obviously, we do have a fair amount of kids' clutter, but looking at it, most of it is fairly harmless, if widely spread - paper, paints, penicls and crayons and pens, scrapbooks, works of art (!), worksheets, packaging recycled into craft creations, glue, scissors, lego, train track, toy cars, books. We're not talking high-tech consumer hell here. Upstairs - can't get rid of stored bedding, or clothes, would be foolish to get rid of sewing machine. Downstairs - tool-box is vital, sewing box, felt, wool, other crafting stuff, bicycle helmets, play pop-up tents, vacuum cleaner, clothes horse, crockery, cutlery, baking tins, string, seeds, matches, candles. All of this stuff is pretty basic day-to-day stuff. Of course, if we lived in an African village, we could and would do without it. But living here, in the UK in the 21st century, this stuff is fairly low tech and basic.

So, where do we go from here? Well, we just used the last possible spare money we have in replacing a window which was (according to the man who replaced it) in severe danger of falling out, with a new, A-rated double glazed and properly vented one which hopefully will help eliminate the black mould on the bedroom wall (eww) and add to the insulation of the house overall. Given that other windows are also in a similar state, it would probably be eco-friendly to replace them too but we can't afford it. I'd like to try and convert our toilet to run mainly on collected rain-water but that again takes money and know-how, neither of which I have right now. Apparently we can't do solar hot water as we don't have a water tank, but other PV panels might be a possibility. If we had the money which we don't. We could maybe add to the loft insulation, but it's pretty thick already, and we don't have any more money.

So here I am racketing round the house alone (kids asleep, husband out earning the cash we don't have), keyed up with righteous inspiration and no-where to expend it. Am I just deluding myself that there's nothing we can do right now? I don't see the point of getting rid of stuff for the sake of it, especially not stuff that we actually use and is constructive or harmless or both. Now I just feel depressed.

Mumbo Jumbo and The Arms Trade

2010-01-14T00:44:00.000-08:00

These are things I have been reading recently and which deserve a review. Firstly Francis Wheen's How Mumbo-jumbo Conquered the World: A Short History of Modern Delusions which took some concentrating on but was ultimately very interesting. As with all such books, I didn't agree with everything he said and I thought on occasion he'd thrown out some babies with bathwater, but I particularly found the chapters on the Thatcher and Reagan regimes fascinating. It filled in some history for me in terms of how the US and UK interfered in politics in the middle east, in particular in Iran, and the chapters on how the economics of the time didn't add up and have led to the situation we are currently experiencing were particularly illuminating.

Wheen's main thrust is that since 1979 every institution in the west has been turning its back on the values on the Enlightenment - rational thinking, logic, open-mindedness, lack of superstition, turning away from religious faith - and turning towards the 'mumbo jumbo' of the title. There are many things he includes in his definition of mumbo jumbo, including many things which are frankly shocking, such as Ronald Reagan's use of astrologers in making US policy. He's also very much against relativism and post-modernism. His thoughts on Princess Diana were very funny. He attacked Left politics as well as Right politics.

However, sometimes the tone became a bit smug. Personally I do actually think that examining accounts of history taking into account the context in which it was written is a logical and scientific thing to do. But, a bit of balance, I do also think that there are also objective facts which can be established. Wheen seems to be saying at times that context and relativism are never useful. I'm also very dubious at his claims that alternative medicine is illogical and irrational superstition. And his assertion that conventional medicine is entirely based on logical progression in research and scientific methods is just plain ignoring many facts which spring easily to light should you pay even the most passing attention to the history of medicine. Maybe wishful thinking?

Anyway, all in all, very amusing, enlightening and wlel worth a read even if there are bits which will annoy you a bit.

The second book I want to talk about is Mark Thomas' As Used on the Famous Nelson Mandela: Underground Adventures in the Arms and Torture Trade which was another fascinating, if very disturbing, book. I have to admit to not knowing very much about the arms trade, and neither do I want to. Except, that we should know about it, in order to campaign for it to be better regulated. If you know anythig about Mark Thomas and his comedy style, then you'll be able to imagine the kinds of things he does for this book - sets up fake arms companies to trap arms dealers in breaking the law, to show up the ridiculous and inadequate nature of the law, and to show how big business takes precedence over concern for human life.

I wasn't sure how many laughs could be squeezed out of such a subject, but Mark Thomas manages to make us laugh about it without ever forgetting how serious it is. This is an important book which never reduces things down to a simplistic level. Thomas manages to acknowledge the humanity and complexity even of the most repugnant and callous arms dealer, while at the same time condemning their trade. The Government (yet again!) are the ones who come out of this book the worst. And it's good to know that Thomas' actions for this book did actually prompt some real changes in the law. Another recommended book.

A new challenge for the new year

2010-01-07T10:49:00.000-08:00

I've decided to stop washing my hair and see what happens. Since we moved house 2.5 years ago, I've spent a long time faffing about with my hair and being cross about it. The extremely hard water here (even harder than the hard London water in our previous house) just reacts with shampoo to make a scummy mess so that long hair like mine always looks limp, dull and in need of a wash.

I've been contemplating what to do about this - I've tried various shampoos, the best being Lush's Hard (a solid shampoo) and Lush's I Love Juicy (a liquid one), but I'm not prepared to go mainstream with our shampoos again. I tried washing it in rain-water which really helped but is not very practical for most of the year and is a real faff.

I could cut my hair, which I don't want to do as it doesn't look right short and would also need regular cuts which I don't do. I also thought about dreading it, but again, seems like a lot of hassle. I just want to leave it, occasionally brush it, but generally just leave it and it look OK enough so I'm not having major self-esteem issues over it.

I've tried using lemon juice, vinegar and bicarbonate of soda, and various combinations thereof, and just ended up with sticky hair or pips.

So finally, observing the fact my children seem to have lovely shiny, fluffy hair and yet wash it with shampoo once a month as the most, I have decided to do the same. Having researched this, it appears that most people experience a period of acclimatisation to not washing the hair with shampoo which can be from 4 weeks to 8 weeks. Some people don't find it ever acclimatises and stays a greasy mess. I guess I just have to try, so I'm giving it 8 weeks. I last used shampoo on Sunday 3 January, so I'll see where we are by late February.

Here's to 8 weeks of hats and tying my hair back. So far, so good.

New Year

2010-01-01T02:46:00.000-08:00

And is it a new decade? I don't mean to be pedantic but I'm never sure exactly when a new decade starts - is 2010 the last year of the decade or the first year of a new one? There seemed to be much dissent about when the new millenium started - the end of 1999 or the end of 2000? Was there a year zero and if so, does this make any difference anyway? I'm rather confused. But, presuming it is a new decade, here's a quick resume of my decade, starting in 2000.

The new year of 2000 was memorable because me and my husband both had the worst flu we'd ever had and he had to delay starting a new job because of it. We had fairly recently adopted 2 cats, and I was working at a local FE College. During the year, I changed jobs to working for a charity which dealt with victims of medical accidents. I also started getting more involved with the local Pagan scene and with one specific group in particular.

In 2001 we bought our own flat and moved in in May. Towards the end of the year, I went part-time at work in order to be able to spend more time studying - I was coming to the end of my part-time degree. I started doing website moderating for the Pagan group I was involved with and also became their online agony aunt.

In 2002 I started the final year of my degree - it took me 6 years part-time altogether. I also started a new job for the government quango the Housing Corporation. It was another part-time job. I found out I was pregnant with my daughter within weeks of starting, and what with that and my degree I never really felt I got to grips with what I was supposed to be doing. I took my final exams at the end of the year while 6 months pregnant and stopped working at Christmas.

In February 2003 I gave birth to my eldest child, my daughter. Her planned homebirth went wrong and we ended up being transferred to hospital by ambulance and having an assisted birth which shocked us both with its brutality. Funnily enough, she took up the rest of the year. As planned, I didn't go back to work, and we were pretty much absorbed with her. We lost one of our cats, our beloved boy Sebastian to kidney failure.

In March 2004, we got married in a small, low-key but very enjoyable way and our daughter was the star of the show. At the end of the year, my book Solitary Eclectic Witchcraft was published. By the summer I was pregnant with my son and I spent most of the year being sick.

By the start of 2005 I was sick, shattered and depressed and ending up giving birth 3 weeks early in March. But it was a relatively peaceful homebirth as we had hoped and the rest of the year was spent adjusting to being a family of 4.

By 2006 we really needed to move out of our tiny flat but the process was not smooth and everything that had been planned since the spring of that year fell through just before Christmas, leaving us to start again the following year. I started self-publishing my writing, starting with a novel Towards The Sea, then my home education books Freya and Heath Are Home Educated and The Genie In The Teapot and then the follow-up to my previous book on Paganism, Thoughtful Pagan Living.

In 2007 I had a small article published in Green Parent magazine, then started writing for Hippyshopper, the green website. I also got published in Juno magazine and started the first of a series of articles published in The Mother. We finally managed to move house (and town) in July after a lot of stress. My brother-in-law got married the following weekend! It took me many months to settle into the new house and the new town, and I was still feeling upset and isolated at the end of 2007.

At the start of 2008, my job with Hippyshopper was cut and I started working for 63336 - a text-based question and answer company, where I've been working ever since. I also started meeting up with individual families in the local home education scene, culminating in co-starting a local meet-up in a park. I finished another novel, but have so far failed to get it published and am undecided about publishing it myself. I took over an overgrown allotment plot in May and we got our first crops from it in the autumn.

In the spring of 2009 we decided to formalise the home education group and moved it into a rented hall for weekly sessions in July, setting up our own bank account and getting our first funding shortly afterwards. I also joined a local fledgling Transition Group in the summer, but so far it doesn't really seem to be getting properly started. Our allotment was much more fruitful this year and we had onions for 4 months, potatoes for 6 months, and tons of carrots, swede, peas, and beetroot. We also had tomatoes, courgettes, strawberries, raspberries and French beans from the garden, and I made lots of jam from fruit either picked free locally or cheaply from the nearby Pick-Your-Own farm. I've also started work on a Young Adult novel. And started doing a course to learn to be a life coach.

And so, plans for 2010? My major plan for 2010 is to try and visualise in all areas of my life exactly what I'd like, ideally, and then try to make that happen, no matter how incrementally that might have to be. The dreams have to be as exact and ideal as possible, even if they are not practical or realistic, and only then must I sit down and work out in what ways I can achieve them. The dreaming is important, to give me the goal to aim for. I'm hoping to finish my course and start being a life coach. I'm hoping to finish my Young Adult novel and get it published. I'm hoping to continue working and running the Home Education Group and doing my allotment. I'm hoping to be inspired.

Solstice!

2009-12-21T00:05:00.000-08:00

As I write I can see the sun starting to rise above the roof-tops of the houses behind my house, and the sky is changing from an indigo blue to a pale, striped gold and delicate rose-pink. The snow still clinging to the roofs and fences and gardens is a shimmering pale blue in the early morning light and I can feel the world holding its breath for this one day of the sun 'standing still' before the tide turns just after sunset today and the gradual march towards summer begins.

Already I know that this year will be another year of challenges for us as a family: my husband's temporary job comes to end in January, and he also starts teaching his first few classes as a newly-qualified lifelong learning teacher. As a family we will have to learn to re-balance our lives as hopefully he gains more classes to teach, and we also need to find other ways of supplementing that income until it provides enough by itself. The Children, Schools & Families Bill has the potential to change our way of life if it goes through before a general election, and no matter what the outcome of the election, this will also have ramifications for all of us here in the UK. There are personal challenges too, as we both continue with our writing, and the children turn 7 and 5 and continue to develop in their own unique ways.

But for today I am content to stand on the brink of all that and let it wait. Today we'll have a time out of time and celebrate the sun. The children have enjoyed their simple stockings this morning and are happily sorting through the decorations, greeting each strand of tinsel as an old friend and deciding which ones to claim for their own rooms this year. Later we have family coming and we'll share a meal and exchange gifts. Good things to savour.

Happy Solstice everyone!

Never listen to phone-ins on local radio

2009-12-20T09:46:00.000-08:00

I tend to listen to LBC radio last thing at night to lull me into a sleepy state, but since the Copenhagen Summit has been going on they have been talking about climate change and several nights in a row I've found myself so angry that instead of dropping off to sleep I've been on the point of getting out of bed at midnight to phone in myself and correct a few people!

I just cannot believe the level of ignorance and wilful refusal to act that I've been hearing. Examples: one guy said "well, if anyone can give me just one example of where climate change is having a bad effect right now anywhere in the world then I'll believe it." Erm, how about the Arctic, and the Antarctic, and the Pacific Islands, and the increased flooding in the UK, and the recent hurricanes which devastated New Orleans and caused a lot of damage in Jamaica. So, apart from those, there's absolutely no evidence... how much evidence does he want?!

Another bloke said that the only reason scientists agree that climate is happening, is man-made and is important is because governments have paid them to say so. And why would governments do such an inconvenient thing for themselves, we might ask? Apparently so that they can levy 'green taxes'. So, we'll just ignore the incredibly rich and powerful oil lobby for a while, with their vested interests in denying both climate change and peak oil and we'll also ignore the fact that if this bloke's view is correct, it must be the first time in the entire history of the world that all the world's governments have put pressure on their scientists at the same time and to say the same thing. And then we'll also ignore the actual science itself - which while complex is by no means incomprehensible to the average lay-person who actually takes the trouble to enquire into it even superficially. So, leaving all those little counter-arguments aside, would governments really deliberately risk annoying the electorate as much as they seem to be annoyed by the idea of reining in their cushy and wasteful lifestyles a little for the sake of, erm, their own futures, for the sake of a very paltry amount in green taxes which will ahve to be used in actually trying to stop climate change anyway? Seems rather unlikely to me, given that most governments are terrified of doing anything even near to half the amount needed to avoid the worst effects of climate change in the coming decades due to fear of harming the economy. It seems to me that if even governments are acknowledging that something has to be done, even if they're not actually doing it, then this proves that there's actually something in this.

A third man (yes, they were all men) said that he was looking forward to having the temperature 2C higher, he thought that would be rather nice, especially now as it was only 1C in his back garden. I almost threw the radio across the room at such a complacent and ignorant assessment of what would be the consequences of the potential rises in temperature.

And that's without even discussing peak oil.

I really really hope that people who generally phone in to local talk radio stations are more ignorant and reactionary than the average. Otherwise we are all really doomed.

And don't get me started on the results of the summit itself. I'm too depressed even to think about it right now.

A poem!

2009-12-03T11:55:00.000-08:00

Although I'm still struggling with my own muse, I'm happy to report that my daughter has no such problems and today wrote a poem (well, a song actually) which was inspired by an Enid Blyton adventure story:

Dire dark deeds
On the hill.
People being held
Against their will.
In the dark, dark house
There's a moveable floor,
And danger!

Musing on the Muse

2009-11-29T11:47:00.000-08:00

I find it very hard to be creative at this time of the year; my inspiration seems to disappear as soon as the grey days start and rain falls. I've been doing some meditation on that and I think that my frustration at feeling unable to connect with inspiration gives my usual seasonal depression an additional edge. I'm no longer sure if it's the depression blocking my inspiration, or if my depression is partly fueled by my inability to create and both are caused by a third thing - ie the darkness.

My meditations and workings recently have all been centred in healing and health - for me and my family - but once we're all in good shape again, I'm planning to start meditations on inspiration and seeking my Muse again. For me, meditations on the sun seem a good place to start, but I wondered what other people use to kick-start their creativity while having a dry spell?

Obviously, being out in nature helps, but due to my back injury that has been difficult recently. This injury and our recent combined family ill-health have been a real shock to the system. It is scary quite how vulnerable we are, and how much of our carefully ordered life falls apart when I'm not very mobile even for a short while.

I think confidence has a certain amount to do with inspiration as well - or maybe it's just that confidence enhances my receptiveness to inspiration. I'll tend to question it less and act on it more when I'm feeling good about myself and my abilities. This is clearly also linked to my depression. Recently I read a certain famous series of books which, despite being bestsellers, are *really* badly written and it really knocked my confidence for several weeks. What is the point of spending years learning and practising my writing (and still not being published) when other people can get such badly written and derivative drivel published and have such a huge volume of sales?

Time is another factor. Sometimes I get a moment of inspiration but I'm in the middle of shopping, or doing some activity with the kids. If I was single with no ties or responsibilities I could write whenever the mood struck, through the night, without worrying about getting meals. I know these mundane things shouldn't interfere, but realistically they do. My kids have a prior claim on me, we all have to eat. Since my writing isn't bringing in any money, perhaps the time I spend doing it is self-indulgent and I shouldn't be trying to tempt the Muse at all. Maybe I should be glad I can't seem to write at the moment, and use the time to do some actual paid work.

I think I'm having an inspiration crisis, so I need to meditate on that. Any thoughts or wishes welcome!

Children, Schools & Families Bill

2009-11-24T01:28:00.000-08:00

For those who may not have heard of this, it is a Government Bill which introduces all kinds of new things for parents, schools and home educators. For example, schools will have the right to restrain your child without your permission or even knowledge. Parents will have to sign contracts with the school which usurp parental choices in education (and also in family time), and may impose fines on parents not complying.

Not to mention the part about home education which gives local authorities a power to enter homes and interview children alone which even the police do not have unless they have suspicion based on eveidence that a serious crime has taken place.

This bill, if it becomes law, will fundamentally change the balance of power between the state and parents in favour of the state. Do you think this won't affect you? Think again. It will affect anyone with children in this country. They're starting with the home educators because we are a minority, and one that many people are suspicious of, at that. But if this bill goes through, it's only a matter of time before *all* parents are CRB checked in order to look after their own children, before health visitor visits become compulsory, before the state is able to tell you which school your children must go to, what qualifications they have to take, who they can and can't see in their family time, before the state can inspect *all* parents to check on their 'suitability' against a state measurement.

Don't let this happen. Sign the latest petition to keep family life free of state control, here.

Remember:

First they came for the communists, and I did not speak out—because I was not a communist;
Then they came for the trade unionists, and I did not speak out—because I was not a trade unionist;
Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out—because I was not a Jew;
Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak out for me.

Martin Niemoeller

Better & Worse

2009-11-18T01:38:00.000-08:00

We seem to have a had a real catalogue of disasters since my last post - most of them relatively minor (but annoying!) domestic problems such as the light bulb in the fridge blowing, the doorbell falling off and some parts disappearing in the night, the handle of my daughter's window breaking meaning we can't open the window.

Others have been more worrying - another round of colds meaning none of us get any sleep, the fact that fell down the stairs getting up with my son in the night and hurt my back quite badly. This last one has set back many other things too - planting the rest of my onions and garlic, getting parts and mending the items damaged in the recent wave of domestic disasters.

It's very frustrating to be able to see what needs doing, have the time to sort it, but be unable to walk or cycle to the hardware shop, not to mention being unable to bend down or lean over to do the work itself.

But on the other hand, it was really nice to have a friend round yesterday and chat about stuff that had nothing to do with the kids or their education. Hooray for talking about other stuff!

And I also had a builder from a local green construction firm round to give us some advice about all our damp and condensation problems. I wasn't sure what to expect - maybe a hard sell for their firm to come and sort things out? But no, he was incredibly nice and incredibly patient. He looked at all the problem areas and gave me his opinion on what to do to sort them out. By the time he left, I had a list of stuff which would all help, in order of priority and in order of expense. None of the things were that expensive, a lot of it we could do ourselves, and one suggestion he made seems to have helped already, overnight. So, I'm feeling a bit better about the house now, hoping we can stop the damp and mould in its tracks. It's been a real weight off my mind, I had been so stressed about it all.

This year is really getting away from me though. I can't believe it's almost my birthday again. I'm determined to actually do something nice this year as last year everyone had a sickness bug for several weeks around my birthday and we couldn't do anything at all. Maybe a bit of celebrating in the greyness will help.

This post is brought to you courtesy of Philips Bright Light my cheery winter breakfast companion which, together with a couple of days of sunshine, is helping me continue on my weary way with at least a thread of humour...

SAD

2009-11-11T06:25:00.000-08:00

As you may know, I suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder. People don't really tend to take this very seriously, I've found. After all, doesn't everyone get a bit down in winter? Well, yes, probably in our country most people do, but what I get is actual SAD, real dperession, which I struggle with most winters.

And this winter, it's set in very early due to the dull weather and being unable to get out of the house very little the last few weeks due to illness in our house. Winston Churchill wrote about his depression as being a 'black dog', but I find mine to be more of dull grey fog which settles over me and muffles everything. I find I lose my creativity and inspiration which also has a knock-on effect of its own on my mood. I feel exhausted all the time but when I go to bed I can't sleep for ages. Then in the morning I can't wake up and feel really sluggish. That's if I'm lucky enough to get a full night's sleep at the moment. I find that getting enough sleep and in a regular pattern can really help the SAD, but my son seems determined to deprive me of this right now, thus making everything much worse.

Another reason for the early onset this year is that my son has finally been cutting down on the breastfeeding - I'm losing out on all that lovely, mood-enhancing oxytocin from those long early morning feeds we used to have. And my body doesn't seem very good at producing mood-enhancing chemicals on its own.

I find myself craving all the things which I know from previous experience actually makes the SAD worse - chocolate, sugary and stodgy foods, staying in bed in the morning for hours given half a chance, giving up trying to achieve anything. I know that regular bed time and getting up time, enough sleep, good food, chocolate only in moderation actually help, but I can't help but think 'oh who cares? I can't be bothered'. It all seems such an effort.

Every day I drag myself out of bed and force myself to do all the things I should be doing - cooking, shopping, studying, allotment - all the jobs to keep the house running well but my heart just isn't in it right now. It just all feels dull and grey and thankless and without end or satisfaction. I can't manage to write.

I should probably dig out my sunshine lamp, which I haven't need the last few years due to breastfeeding hormones and getting out in the daylight during the day a lot more - but I can't be bothered. I'm falling into fiction again to escape the nothingness of my own brain, but I'm not sure this is quite the healthiest thing either - living vicariously on other people's vividness and then feeling my own life to be colourless in comparison. I tried to summon up a bit of enthusiasm for my birthday, coming up soon, but making actual arrangements for doing anything remotely enjoyable just seems so difficult that it seems easier to let it go by, even though I would actually like to mark it somehow.

I'm hoping for a sunny day soon to lift this feeling before it sets in for the whole winter. I don't want to feel like this any more. I'm sick of making the effort to carry on as usual. If anyone can send me some sunshiney thoughts, I'd appreciate it. I'm struggling.

Samhain/Hallowe'en

2009-10-31T02:30:00.000-07:00

Every year I hope I won't need to do a post about this, but every year I'm annoyed again by the ignorance and lack of understanding about this important Pagan festival. We had a Hallowe'en Party at our Home Ed Group which several families chose not to attend because they don't do Hallowe'en. OK fair enough, but then of course my children come to me and ask "why couldn't x and y come to the party? They say they're not allowed to celebrate Hallowe'en, why?" And what do I say without saying that x and y's parents are ignorant?
So, to reiterate. Samhain (pronounced sow-in or sow-een or varieties thereof depending on the part of the country you live in) is the pre-Christian festival which was around 31st October. It was the new year, which meant it was a liminal time - ie a time which was neither the old year, nor the new year. Liminal times are times between times, neither one thing nor the other, and as such they are sacred and special. Things can happen then which cannot happen at other times. It was seen as a thinning of the barrier between this world and the next world, hence it being a good time to scry into the future and try to find out who you'd marry and so forth.
Due to this thinning of the barrier it was also seen as a time when evil spirits might be around, hence disguising yourself in some kind of costume to escape, and having things around (such as scarily craved pumpkins these days) which would frighten away anything nasty.
The main part of Samhain however is a festival of the dead, common to many cultures and similar to the current one in Mexico which is completely sanctioned by the Catholic Church there. This is a celebration of death as a part of the cycle of life. It reminds us that this is usually the point of the last of the harvest, and the point at which weather deteriorates so much that we have to stay indoors more. It's a time for remembering loved ones who have died, and for honouring our ancestors. It reminds us that it's growing darker, the year is hurtling towards the winter solstice and that it's a time for going inwards, going dormant, planning and assessing rather than action.
It was the Church who added all the most 'nasty' elements to Samhain and made it Hallowe'en - All Hallows Eve. Which is ironic considering it is now the Church who seems to object to these elements. When the Church started taking over, it deliberately placed its important festivals on dates which were already celebrated in order to absorb those festivals into itself and replace them with its own as it demonised the previous festival. So, the Church placed All Saints Day on what had been New Year's Day around 1st November and because you couldn't have anything unholy around on All Saints Day, Samhain became All Hallows Eve - the night when all nasty and evil things came out to play in advance of All Saints Day when they couldn't. This had been a very small part of Samhain before this and now the Church emphasised this part only and blotted out all the other aspects of the festival, which are the most important to Pagans today.
Of course, popular secular celebration of the event focuses on the dressing up and the trick or treating, which grew from the 'trickster' element of the festival - winter festivals quite often have a trickster element, such as the Roman Saturnalia which turns everyday life on its head with masters serving slaves. Trickster gods such as Loki and Pan and Robin Goodfellow are not generally evil, merely mischievous and playful, though they can have a nasty edge. They embody some useful fun during the dark, cold and dangerous months of winter, and also echo reality with their unpredictability and occasional cruel edge.
I don't object to people celebrating the secular aspects of Hallowe'en. It is similar to the way most people celebrate Christmas - not being Christian and with no intention of honouring the deeper, spiritual meaning of the festival. What I do object to though is Christians being all self-righteous about Hallowe'en. They invented it, in its modern form, so it's ironic when they object to it, without even apparently knowing its history. And they are ignorant of its true spiritual meaning for thousands of modern Pagans. I'm sick of apologising for one of the main festivals of my faith and sick of being defensive about it. Christians wouldn't object to Eid or Diwali in this way, so why my festival which their Church had such a hand in trying to destroy?
This is not a post to attack Christians, it is a post to attack ignorance and intolerance. If I have managed to inform just one person, I'll be happy. But I'm not keeping quiet about this any longer.
Happy Samhain everyone!

Breastfeeding

2009-10-30T01:46:00.000-07:00

I am passionate about breastfeeding. Neither of my children have ever had formula milk and they never had breastmilk from any container except my breast either. My 4.5 year old is still breastfeeding at least once a day. I say these things not to be smug or implicitly criticise anyone who did things differently but because I am really proud of them as my own achievements. And I also want to link to this article telling the truth about breastfeeding versus bottle-feeding.

Many women I've known have talked about the pressure to breastfeed and feeling angry about that, but I actually think that most women are lied to about the reality of bottle-feeding and many would be shocked and upset to learn the risks they are running for their babies' lives.

I don't think more pressure is what's needed. I think there needs to be more support and sharing of experience if problems are encountered, more support allowing women to take the time they need to feed their babies, more normalising of breastfeeding which is after all the normal way of feeding an infant rather than the highly artificial and unnatural bottle feeding.

Having watched a programme in the evening on a channel with adverts recently, which I haven't done for a while, I've been shocked at the kind of baby milk advertising that's allowed. After all, so many people boycott Nestle for just such promotion in developing countries, maybe we need a boycott of the people who make and show these adverts here.

The answers aren't simple. The reasons women don't breastfeed are social and economic and cultural. many women think they 'can't' breastfeed when they encounter a problem which can actually be solved with the correct advice, but they don't get the correct advice.

I'm not going to go into all the reasons here that are covered in the article, and before anyone flames me. Yes, I know breastfeeding isn't always easy, particularly in our culture where we don't grow up subconsciously learning how to do it from our mothers, sisters, aunts and friends. I know it can be hard to get support and I know their are special circumstances in which bottle feeding is necessary, in which case it is a lifesaver.

However, it is still the case that bottlefed babies are twice as likely to die in the first 6 weeks of life than breastfed babies. Twice as many! How many people learned that fact in their antenatal classes? The World Health Organisation considers formula milk to be 4th best for babies - so not even 2nd or 3rd best, in fact 4th best, their absolutely least preferred option. Baby junk food in fact. And the NHS spends £35 million a year on treating gastroenteritis in bottlefed babies. Maybe some of this should be covered in birth preparation classes so women can make a truly informed choice.

See La Leche League for help with breastfeeding.

Inspirational books

2009-10-13T01:20:00.000-07:00

Well, Christmas is coming and I thought a list of inspirational books which people might want to add to their wish lists or buy for other people would be appropriate. So here goes:
So Shall We Reap by Colin Tudge - this is a detailed and educated look at the current food situation and how factpry farming is not only not the answer but is part of the current problem.
Permaculture in a Nutshell by Patrick Whitefield - this is a classic and inspirational book. It's quite short but packed with get-up-and-go. Makes you want to forage in a skip for old tyres, turn them into planters and use them grow tomatoes on your patio!
Shopped: The Shocking Power of British Supermarkets by Joanna Blythman - another book which makes you more and more outraged as you read it, wondering why this kind of information is not mandatory in all schools.
Taking Charge of Your Fertility: The Definitive Guide to Natural Birth Control, Pregnancy Achievement and Reproductive Wealth by Toni Weschler - this is another on the 'required reading list' for all women. If you're trying to get pregnant, not to get pregnant, or have ever worried you were pregnant when you were not, this is absolutely vital information. I consider myself pretty clued up on health and reproductive issues but I learnt so much from this book. I can honestly say that I probably wouldn't have managed to have my children naturally (if at all) without this book.
How to be Free by Tom Hodgkinson - I've talked about this book before and I still highly recommened it as a way of seeing our culture in a new way.
Affluenza by Oliver James - a psychological look at why everyone is so depressed these days despite being so well off materially. An interesting read.
Can Any Mother Help Me? by Jenna Bailey - a lovely, moving and fascinating read about a group of mothers from before and during WW2 who supported each other through a penpal circle.
And finally, one for the Pagans here: Living with Honour: A Pagan Ethics by Emma Restall-Orr - a must-read for all thoughtful Pagans with an interest in philosophy.
Enjoy!

Mooncups

2009-10-10T12:54:00.000-07:00

I love my Mooncup and I would never ever go back to using tampons or pads ever again. I know that some people haven't heard of them, some people find it hard to use them, but I can honestly say it's been a liberation for me. I have found I need to empty it far fewer times than I would need to change even a Super PLus tampon, and I no longer have to get up at night during the first few days of my period. It had a learning curve, sure, but then so did tampons when I first used them.

And for anyone who thinks they are expensive at £19.99, here's a bit of maths for you. I first used my Mooncup 6 years ago. Since then I calculate I've had 45 periods. Using 20 Super, 16 Regular and around 10 liners (all organic Natracare) at least, for each period cost me around £6.18 per period. Therefore, since 2003, I've saved myself £278.10 purely by using a Mooncup. (Plus my Mooncup only cost me £14.99 back then.) And my Mooncup should last me at least another 5 years, probably more.

And that's without thinking of the amount of rubbish I've kept out of landfill (or the sewers if you're naughty). So, for anyone thinking of taking the Mooncup plunge, or who had never heard of them till now, go on, try one, it could change your life or at least save you quite a decent amount of cash.

Insulation

2009-10-08T00:56:00.000-07:00

And as the weather turns colder and the condensation starts running, my mind turns to insulation. We've really got to do something about insulation this year, but I'm totally at sea and don't know what to do for the best, plus we have about £25 spare to do it with, if that!
So far, I've just spent our 'spare' £25 on some reflecting panels to go behind our radiators so that we are not losing the heat we do have (not that I've switched the heating on yet anyway). But we have a much bigger problem - leaky double glazing, especially in the main bedroom where the window is actually misted in between the 2 panes. The only outside wall in the main bedroom gets really cold on the inside and then runs with condensation over night, causing damp and mould. We also get a lot of damp and mould in our bathroom, mainly on the ceiling. We have solid walls in our 1920s terraced house and no airbricks, but we have loft insulation and gas central heating with radiators.
Whenever I talk to people about all this, I get completely different replies, but all given absolutely authoritatively: more ventilation needed, more insulation needed, external insulation, internal insulation, better heating, more loft insulation. Given that most of these options involve serious building work and serious money, I don't want to get it wrong. I'm happy to save up for a proper solution but I have no idea which one *is* the proper solution. Can you get an 'eco' building/insulating company to come and give a free quote of what could be done to make your house more efficient? If so, how do you find someone knowledgeable and reputable?
I'm finding this all so frustrating as I know we could be more energy-efficient if I could sort this problem, and I don't want to keep on opening windows with the heating on just to get rid of the condensation. There has to be a better way!

Reading

2009-10-03T11:29:00.000-07:00

I have to share a great author I've discovered this year. I've gradually been working my way through many of his books and have been constantlyu blown away bu the sheer inventiveness of the polts and settings, the detail of the worlds he conjures up and the variety of characters. So, if you like 'hard' sci-fi, with a very surreal edge, but great rollicking adventures, I advise you to go and try Charles Stross - particularly Singularity Sky, The Atrocity Archives and Accelerando. Whenever I read his books I feel like my brain looks like the faces of astronauts who are undergoing heavy-g acceleration! But in a good way.

Check it out!

2009-10-02T11:58:00.001-07:00

For those of you who have not seen it, here's the slightly adapted Pink Floyd song by the Children's Liberation Front calling for Badman to get his hands off our education:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nieMyl5puAY

Little House Not On The Prairie

2009-09-30T10:32:00.001-07:00

Today I've felt very much like Ma from the Little House series, or (for Georgette Heyer fans) like Jenny from A Civil Contract - all housewifely! So a quick run-down of my day:
- got up and fed my son for half an hour to help clear blocked up ears from a minor cold he has.
- put the washing in the washing machine, sorted out breakfast.
- got me and children washed and dressed.
- Mum and Dad came round and we all went to the allotment where we weeded, dug and harvested.
- got lunch for everyone.
- put washing out.
- washed up.
- boiled, peeled, chopped and pickled 2.5 lbs of beetroot from the allotment.
- peeled, chopped, blanched and froze 2.5 lbs of carrots from the allotment.
- made a lemon drizzle cake with the lemon my mum brought me.
- made pizza dough.
- washed up.
- comforted my son when he punched himself in the mouth with the end of the sink plunger which he was sticking to the floor and then pulling up with a popping sound. Came up unexpectedly hard that time.
- finished pizza and got tea on the table.
- got washing in.

And now I have to start getting the kids to bed, reading to them and getting them to sleep. Well, at least I've got a lot done today!
- made afternoon snack.

Autumn Fair

2009-09-28T00:27:00.001-07:00

We went to our local Autumn Fair yesterday and I was half-inspired and half-frsutrated. It was inspiring and warming to see so any local community groups there - most that I'd never heard of before. There was a local spinning, weaving, knitting and craft group (who I've hopefully collared to come along and do a demo at my Home Ed Group with their spinning wheels and wool!), local Protection Society who try and protect the town's heritage whilst also trying to intervene on proposed future developments to get them to be proportionate and in keeping with the town, as well as a local Energy Group, Eco Vols, and 'Friends' of various of our local parks and green spaces. So why aren't all these people linking up their efforts under some umbrella organisation such as Transition? Argh! It's frustrating! What we really need here is a charismatic leader who has the energy (and time!) to go around to all these groups and draw them in so that we can co-ordinate all our efforts - surely there would have to be some saving in energy by ensuring we didn't duplicate effort and supporting each other?
I had been starting to think that just wasn't anyone in this town who was interested in green things, but now I see that there are many people who are, but only in their particular niche, or area of interest. People don't necessarily have an overview, or see themselves as a generally green person, they are just interested in their small area. I wonder if, in time, there could be some links made? It would certainly take someone with more energy than I have right now. But maybe there is hope.

Equinox

2009-09-22T00:48:00.000-07:00

Well, the equinox and, predictably, I am thinking about balance. Last night's Home Ed Group Adult Social Evening went really well and it was so nice to get out and about in the evening to chat to othert adults. I felt a part of my life which had been dormant for a while start to wake up again, which was nice.

But this morning I feel all cross and crotchety despite having the Not Back To School Picnic to look forward to later. This could be due to waking to a big tantrum from my son, who hardly ever has tantrums, about something silly, but really because he hadn't eaten breakfast. Well, apparently this is the rteason for my crotchets, but really I think it is the feeling of transition which is responsible for both my grumpiness and my son's. The wheel of the year is turning towards the winter and, while I'm looking forward to colder mornings and that crisp autumn feeling, I'm also nervous of the winter - it has such power over my mood that it's truly something to respect in a way I never feel about the summer.

Tuning into the feeling of transition in the season, there are also changes afoot in my personal life - my husband has an interview for a teaching job, the Home Ed Group is really taking off and becoming a large part of our lives ( leading me to worry if this is a good thing? Am I relying too much on one aspect of my life?), the Transition Group I'm involved in isn't going so well and I feel it's draining me to no good purpose (which is very disappointing), I've started writing a new novel (young adult this time) and feel quite positive about it.

After all this pointless musing, I'll leave you with a picture of our Equinox Biscuits (half dark, half light, get it?):

Busy Time

2009-09-21T00:42:00.000-07:00

As the year tips over from summer to winter, I have such a busy couple of weeks. Tomorrow I am running our local Not Back To School Picnic, which I'm very nervous about. After being in the local paper last week we also have a photogrpaher coming to this event and I'm really hoping it looks good and will help inform people about home education and what it's all about, and dispel some myths and prejudices.

Today is also the last day for responses to the Select Committee Enquiry into the Badman Review, so I'm also wondering what will happen with that. I sent in our local group's response a while back and I know lots of other people have also been working on responses. Fingers crossed.

Tonight we have our first home ed group Adult Social Evening. Thankfully, I'm not holding this in my house (like that would be feasible, NOT!) but I am a bit nervous about it. What if no-one turns up? What if we have nothing to say to each other without the kids butting in every 2 seconds? Eek!

And next week there's the first joint event we're holding with our local museum, which is also rather nerve-racking. Add to that our usual weekly meetings, plus the next assignment I need to do for my course, and the recent inspiration I've had for a new novel, and things are looking rather busy.

Well, suppose I'd better stop sitting here blogging and go and hang the clothes out, then do the shopping.

Onions

2009-09-15T08:07:00.001-07:00

I've just had to buy my first onions since June/July when I started digging up my homegrown allotment onions. I *hate* having buy onions, I've decided, and next year will plant loads more onions and garlic too on the allotment as they grew so well and were so tasty, and now that I know how to dry and store them properly. Now if only I could remember how many onion sets I bought last year to give me this 2/3 month's worth crop this year.

Can anyone give me advice on storing potatoes? I have a bumper crop and the nights are starting to get cold, so I want to be digging them well before the first frost, but we have nowhere dark and cold to store them - no root cellar, no garage and no rodent-proof shed. What we have got is a plastic toolshed (with the lift-up roof from Argos, you know the kind!) on the north wall of our house. If I store the potatoes in that, inside a cardboard box and newspaper, will they stay good, do you think? Would the forst get at them in there? Or does anyone have any better ideas (other than digging a root cellar)?

Autumn

2009-09-13T10:19:00.000-07:00

It feels like autumn is coming - I can smell it in the air in the mornings and the evenings. We're almost to the autumn equinox and the children have named this time 'the start of snuggly-time'. Like me, my daughter needs to snuggle up under a duvet to really sleep well, so for that reason we are both looking forward to the change in the seasons.

However, I also suffer from SAD, so the depths of the winter are usually bad for me, and in a dull winter I'm really struggling by January. So autumn is rather a mixed time for me. On the one hand, it's one of my favourite seasons (along with spring), but on the other hand, it leads to a potentially difficult time.

in the past, I've tried to go along with the spirit of the season in winter and pretty much hibernated, but actually, I don't think this is the best approach for me. If I don't try to keep a bit active, the depression can take over.

The key, as ever, seems to lie in balance. Finding that elusive balance between going with the withdrawal and regrouping which are an essential part of the winter season, and yet not allowing myself to sink under the weight of dark days and give in to the yearning to just lie in bed all day reading Georgette Heyer books (my equivalent of a comfort blanket).

Maybe we'll have a bright, crisp and cold winter rather than a dull and mild one. Here's hoping.

Octopuses and jam!

2009-09-08T00:56:00.000-07:00

What an odd week we've had! Well, we've made *much* jam in the last few weeks, here's some of it:

And we've also made octopuses - or should that be octopi? Whatever, we've made them, out of wool of course!
And there has been much time spent in making dens as the weather has started to turn slightly cooler:

And we've had a slight finger-knitting craze. No pictures yet, but my daughter has really taken to it and it's suprisingly relaxing. Let's hope that calmness descends on our house with the autumn weather. I can't wait!

Transition

2009-09-03T00:21:00.000-07:00

I have been working up to this post because I really wanted to do it justice, but if I try to do a long, and erudite post in the way some people do, whose blogs I love to read, it will never get done. So it will have to be short and to the point.
I have been getting involved in my town's fledgling Transition movement, and currently it seems like an uphill road - I have days of inspiration and days of feeling very discouraged - but I have been changed by this already. It's hard to describe. For those who are unfamiliar with the term, the Transition Movement basically takes as its starting point the fact that climate change is real, is happeneing, and that peak oil is real and is happening. It then suggests that, rather than waiting for the government to do anything about these things, or worrying that we'll turn into armed survivalists and it'll be the end of the civilised world, we start planning and changing our world now, starting with ourselves and with our communities. We re-localise, re-skill ourselves, establish local links, local trading, even local currencies, ahead of any catastrophic happenings in the enviornment, or running out of oil, so that when these things do occur, we will have 'resilience' built in to our communities. Plus it will make our communities nicer places to live in right now! Win-win!
Anyway, this is something to be inspired about. This is life-changing. Read The Transition Handbook: From Oil Dependency to Local Resilience by Rob Hopkins and start seeing the world differently. Check out The Transition Network for loads of information and help to become a Transition Town. Check out this blog for updates and other snippets.
I can't do this justice in words. Reading The Transition Handbook made me feel hot and cold all over, it gave me shivers up and down my spine. It made me feel very depressed and very inspired. It was one of those books where you *just know* that you've come home. I think everyone should be given a copy. It should be required reading at school. Then maybe we'd have a better world.

Books I've been reading

2009-08-24T10:08:00.000-07:00

Well, I've read, in fairly quick succession: The Continuum Concept by Jean Liedloff
and The Idle Parent by Tom Hodgkinson and Winning Parent, Winning Child by Jan Fortune-Wood which was quite an interesting juxtaposition.
I know many people Tom Hodgkinson's style rather annoying, but as I truly think his earlier book How to be Free should be required reading for everyone, I think I would recommend it, taken with a pinch of salt. It does sound like he enjoys a bit of lying down in the sun with a beer in his hand while the kids run wild, but, hey, that's not such a bad ambition. His 'message' is quite similar to Deborah Jackson's in Letting Go as Children Grow, ie, not to get in your children's way as they go about their business, only with more drinking and ukelele-playing. It is also similar to Liedloff's account of how the Yequana Indians treat their children (and Hodgkinson recommends The Continuum Concept). I enjoyed Hodgkinson's book without it really telling me anything new, and some bits I disagreed with. But I reckon he wouldn't be too bothered about that if you met him in person. He comes across as quite affable.
I was surprised that I didn't really like The Continuum Concept. Having read many books based on its ground-breaking parenting methods, and agreed with many of the concepts within Attachment Parenting, based partly on Liedloff's suggestions (such as long-term breastfeeding, co-sleeping, and baby-wearing), I actually found this original work rather annoying. I found her style awkward and I wasn't at all sure that she had anywhere near enough evidence to back up some of the claims and assumptions she made. Other people (including Deborah Jackson, Margot Sunderland and Sue Gerhardt) have since provided plenty of hard evidence for the benefits of these things and were the basis for my adopting them, as well as my own instincts backing them, but the evidence presented in The Continuum Concept only supported her assertion that something was different about this tribe compared to Western culture - it could have been the diet, the weather, the environment, the lack of pollution, a combination of these things that made this difference, not necessarily the way children were brought up.
I also was rather uncomfortable about the apparently idyllic and 'natural' lifestyle of Liedloff's Indians (a criticism which was incidentally shared by Jan Fortune-Wood) - in that their culture was patriarchal and seemed to suppress any innovation or deviation from their culture's norms. I wondered what happened to gay people in their culture, or those who did not want or could not have children? The whole set-up seemed to be purely consisting of extended families, with women doing repetitive domestic work and men hunting. I also wondered what happened to anyone who did transgress the norms of this society? In my reading of other anthropological works it seems that the threat of being cast out of the tribe is a rather effective one in this kind of culture, and keeps people toeing the line rather well.
I was also rather ambivalent about Winning Parent, Winning Child. This book is about the consensual approach to bringing up children, also called autonomous or Taking Children Seriously (TCS). Obviously I agree that bringing up children consensually as much as possible is a good thing, and should be everyone's aim. However, I don't go as far as Jan Fortune-Wood in this book, in that I *do* have a bottom line past which I will not be pushed, as far as children are concerned, and I also *do* consider myself to be in charge. We don't go in for punishment in our household, and we do a lot of talking, explaining, reasoning and finding solutions, but there are also some (loving) rules. Fortune-Wood asserts that coercion of *any* kind, including the approaches I have just mentioned, damages children, possibly beyond repair. I find this very depressing, even though she presents no evidence for it. She also asserts that there are always solutions to every problem, even if they are only theoretical. Call me mad, but I don't find a theoretical solution remotely helpful. And now I feel a total failure in every situation in our family in which I cannot find a solution. Obviously my creative thinking is limited, as she says. And maybe I have damaged my children, but they (like adults, in my experience) are not always rational beings who will engage with problem solution. Sometimes, they are selfish, angry, grumpy children who only want what they want and will not budge an inch. Are mine the only ones? Surely not...
However, I do also recommend this book as it's always good to reminded what we should be aiming for, and challenged in our thinking.

Stuff we've been doing

2009-08-20T00:40:00.000-07:00

The last few posts have been rather full of my thoughts, concerns, worries and hopes, so I thought this one should be a quick catch-up on the stuff we've actually been doing just in case I have given the impression of wafting around wringing my hands like Lady MacBeth!
So, houses:

My son's 'work' laid out for Granny to see (this was totally his idea!):

My daughter's work:

And finally, those Houdini caterpillars:

Some of them seem to starting to pupate now. I think a box of chysalises should be easier to look after!
Junk modelling at Home Ed Group today, so it should be interesting getting the results home on the train afterwards!

Weird head space

2009-08-17T00:28:00.000-07:00

I feel like my head is in a very weird place right now. We've had a lot of challenges recently - my daughter is needing a lot from me, some of which neither she nor I can quite identify - and I'm finding that very draining and very difficult.
I've also been getting involved in my town's fledgling Transition Initiative and I've been finding that challenging too, on several different levels. I find it hard meeting strangers and going amongst people a lot. I also find the ideas underpinning Transition to be very scary - peak oil and climate change are presenting a huge challenge to us all right now - and now I know more about it all, I'm finding it even scarier. Transition Initiatives are all about finding a positive response to these challenges and making a better future as a result of them, but I can't help also finding the solutions a bit challenging as they involve a lot more dependence on neighbours and community, a lot more shared stuff and working together, which though I'm attracted to, I also find difficult. I'm also finding the process difficult - I can see what needs organising with our group, but I'm reluctant to take charge and organise stuff because I already feel over-extended with everything else I'm doing and really don't think I can cope with anything more right now. And yet I'm torn as this is so imortant. (When I finish reading The Transition handbook, I'll post up a more detailed discussion of its ideas)
I'm also finding our Home Ed group more work than I anticipated, in that now that it's set up I'm still organising lots of the sessions, finding new stuff for us, liaising with the local museum, checking out local scrapstores, hoping our bank account application will go through smoothly now after an intial hiccup, and lots of other stuff. Which is fine, it's still very new and other people will join in more as it all beds down, but it's just bad timing s far as the rest of my comitments go.
Not to mention my own studying, the shopping, baking, cooking, allotment etc... I need more hours in the day and much more calmness in my brain.

Community

2009-08-14T10:07:00.000-07:00

I've been having very mixed up thoughts on community recently. I wonder if I'm just odd or if many people have very ambivalent feelings about community and this is why people are finding it so hard to form communities these days. I find myself keen to make friends and get involved, but then suddenly it's all too much and I have to withdraw. I have a great need for space and not to feel 'invaded' and this can really conflict with my longing to belong and feel part of a community.
Recently, while thinking all this through, I had a bit of a revelation about wanting 'community', not 'communal', but I think this is only part of the story. I think I have much stricter boundaries than many people and often I've found people I don't know well making me feel under siege because they don't or can't understand my need not to be overwhelmed. Obviously we're all different, but I find many social things much harder than many people seem to, and really need to retreat to my own space or can get very depressed. I guess to find true community or even true friendship, there has to be give and take, but people's differing needs for limits and boundaries also need to be respected and therein can lie the problem.
Can anyone relate to what I'm rambling about here, or am I just going bonkers?

Tomatoes

2009-08-09T10:07:00.000-07:00

So, what's with the tomatoes this year? Ours are all still green. We've got loads but they're not ripening. No blight or blossom-end rot so far (touch wood), but no ripe ones either. Other people at our allotment seem to be having the same experience, but this is very late for tomatoes to still be green. How are other people in other parts of the country doing tomato-wise?

Thoughts on Lammas

2009-08-03T11:48:00.000-07:00

Well, here's our Lammas Loaf for this year:

And very tasty it was too. But I have been having contradictory thoughts on Lammas this year. The closer we get to the earth and the more of our own produce we grow, the less I 'feel' Lammas - at least on the set date anyway. I feel the spirit of Lammas every time I pick another courgette, make more jam, use another of our homegrown and strung onions, but I can't feel Lammas on 31st July because that is tied to the wheat harvest and we don't grow our own wheat. Obviously, it's good to remember that the wheat we eat is grown and harvested, albeit by other people, I can't feel Lammas as anything other than a reminder at the moment. My heart is with our own crops and the constant harvesting and preservation of those crops.
I'd love to hear other people's thoughts on Lammas, especially as regards their own crop-growing.

Health dilemmas

2009-07-31T12:00:00.000-07:00

So, what do you do when it's possible you *may* have swine flu but also possible that you haven't? Me and my husband are both starting to feel under the weather - sore throats, runny noses, headaches and the like. Nothing awful, just sort of cold-y kind of symptoms. My first thought is, 'oh well, we probably have a summer cold' - hardly unheard of, right? But, what if it is swine flu. Although it's only the first day, it doesn't feel anywhere bad enough to have the label of 'flu' of any kind. As the government, in their wisdom, are no longer testing people to see if they actually do have swine flu, the whole world and their wife are being diagnosed with it. I have jeard of lots of mild cases which sound similar to ours, but what if there's just a summer cold doing the rounds as well as the flu? How would anyone know? Now, as we have no intention of getting tamiflu or even ringing up the pandemic service, does it matter if we have a cold or flu, I hear you ask? Well, yes, because if it's damned flu we'll have to quarantine ourselves for a whole bloody week at least! Gah, just the thought of it is driving me crazy already!
Daughter is showing signs that she's sickening for something, so whatever it is, she's probably already incubating it and, given that even if it is just a little cold she will act like it's the worst flu ever, that'll be fun. Son seems his usual self and hopefully it'll pass him by as he's still breastfed.
Bloody swine bloody flu. *grump*

The bill

2009-07-29T00:16:00.000-07:00

So, the Improving Schools and Safeguarding Children Bill is listed already on the timetable for new legislation for when the Government come back from their nice, long summer recess in October, including the innocuous-sounding part about 'improving monitoring arrangements for those children educated at home'. It's nice to know that Ed Balls is really open to listening to the results of the Consultation of these proposals. I'm still very up and down about this whole subject. Part of me just thinks it can't possibly happen, it's so draconian, so mad, so far-reaching; the other part of me just feels numb at the inevitability and frantically makes plans for safeguarding my own family in the face of new legislation.
My own MP seemed quite resigned to the proposals becoming law, despite disagreeing with them, whereas I see other people's MPs (such as on the Sometimes It's Peaceful blog) take the opposite view - that there's no way there'll be time for any legislative changes before a general election is called.
I'm also finding the same pattern of thinking with the swine flu - one day I'll be completely blase about it. It's only flu, we're all healthy, it's a mild kind of flu, we probably won't catch it and even if we do we'll all be ill for a week and then fine. Then the next day, I'm terrified again, imagining horrible things that I don't even want to think about, let alone write down.
The whole up and down thing is wearing me out. I tend to be very up and down anyway, but these 2 current issues are exacerbating it and are really not good for my mental health. And there's no sign of any ending of either issue until the Spring either, so I'm going to have to learn to deal with it.

Allotment thoughts

2009-07-19T01:18:00.000-07:00

This is our second allotment year, although I count is as the first 'real' season because we only took the plot over in March of last year, so didn't get much of a run-up to the growing season to clear it. And I've learnt so much this year already, and I already know there are some tings to do differently, or more of, next year.

I will plant more onions and also some garlic next year now that I've got the hang of drying and hanging them for storage. I will make sure the entire plot is properly weeded, cleared, dug and mulched over the winter this year, as well as planting the onions and garlic over the winter. The part that was mulched last year is definitely in much better shape than the rest of the plot.

I will get my compost bays constructed before next spring, and level the heaps of earth I've been left with from digging the pits for the shed and the compost bays. I will make fewer, but wider paths next year and more clearly define their edges somehow - stones? Sticks? Not sure. I would like raised, no-dig beds, but not sure how feasible this is in terms of actually getting it done.

I need to sort out my succession planting so that I have a steady stream of produce rather than gluts. This applies particularly to beetroot, courgettes, carrots - things which can't be stored so easily. I'm only going to stop planting this year when July ends. Once it's August, when I get bare ground after digging stuff up, I'm going to dig it over and prepare it for onion planting in the autumn. I've also got to research other winter plants. I have a small amount of purple-sprouting broccoli planted as an experiment.

There's a lot of work to be done, but I'm really enjoying it now. I've realised I like the growing and digging and weeding, what I don't like is the 'infrastructure' bit of the allotment, like constructing sheds and stuff. But it's great eating my home-grown produce!

Thoughts on swine flu

2009-07-16T01:59:00.000-07:00

I am the kind of person who tends to panic about these kinds of things, worry that we'll all die, and then makes plans to move to an isolated Cornish island while also being unable to put the worry out of my head. Due to this, I tend to research these kinds of health scares a bit obsessively in the hope that I can find out that the *real* story is less alarming. Right now I am vacillating between panic and insouciance which is very uncomfortable, but I thought I'd share my thoughts and research in the hope it my comfort other hypochondriacs and also that others may have other hope to share.Firstly, it seems that actual facts are hard to come by. Given that the UK, at least, has given up doing serum tests to confirm swine flu infection and is advising people to stay at home and not contact anyone unless they feel 'very unwell', there is no way to have a true estimate of the number of infections. Worldwide cases have reached 125,000, but some sources seem to think up to 10,000 are coming down with it *per day* in the UK alone. It seems to me that without any actual hard facts, it is hard to make any kind of estimates about the damn thing.However, despite the lack of facts, the WHO have given a tentative mortality rate for this outbreak of 0.4% - to put this into perspective, ordinary seasonal flu has a mortality rate of 0.1%, bubonic plague a mortality rate of 30-75%. The 1918 flu pandemic is estimated to have killed 50 million people worldwide, while malaria kills 1-3 million people *a year* every year and is only classed as a 'health problem'.Experts have related this swine flu virus to the pathogen in the 1918 pandemic, just to wind us all up, I think, but looking back to that outbreak, conditions now are very different. For one thing, we haven't just had a world war. Which is always a good thing. The 1918 outbreak has been traced to mid-America and was then taken by American soldiers to the trenches which provided a fantastic bredding ground with their crowded, unsanitary conditions and their immune-suppressed inhabitants. From there, it spread worldwide due to troop movements as soldiers were demobbed after the armistice, and spread further due to victory parades held in various countries. Some have suggested that its unprecedented virulence (estimates vary from 2.5% to 20%) was mainly to do with the wartime conditions in that those who had it mildly tended to stay put and not infect anyone else whereas those who had it badly were often put on crowded troop trains to be transferred to field hospitals where they spread their virulent strain further. This is the opposite of usual conditions whereby people who have it badly are isolated and those who have it mildly spread their strain. I am hopeful that the wartime situations won't recur.And on to the vaccine. This I am also perturbed by. In what has become known as the Swine Flu Fiasco of 1976, the American govt panicked at the start of a relatively mild outbreak, announced a nationwide vaccination programme and had only managed to vaccinate 24-33% before realising that the flu had infected only 200 people and killed 1 person and the vaccine had killed 25 people and crippled up to 500. Of course, on that occasion, the flu luckily did not spread as it is now spreading. But it raises questions about the safety of vaccines which are rushed through. The UK govt has announced vaccinations will start at the end of August when the Head of the WHO has stated that the vaccine will need 2-3 months of safety testing starting at first availability at the end of August. Our givt seems to think that 5 days of mock-up safety testing will be adequate to start using the vaccine on our most vulnerable people - the elderly and children and those with these now-famous 'underlying health problems', those of which are immuno-suppressed will not be able to take a vaccine anyway. And the govt wonders why no-one trusts it.And the effectiveness of the vaccine? A recent piece of research has found that children receiving the vaccine against ordinary seasonal flu are actually 3 times more likely to be hospitalised with flu than those who have not had the vaccine. Plus the govt are stating in their NHS advice that having the swine flu now may not give you immunity if the virus mutates and returns in the winter. In that case what is the point of vaccinating everyone with the vaccine grown from this strain of the virus, if it won't help if the virus mutates into a different (and possibly, or possibly not,more virulent) form?Gah! Is it any wonder that I'm worried and don't know who to trust? Other thoughts welcome.

Reassurance

2009-07-14T07:45:00.000-07:00

This article from The Times is an old one, but a friend has just drawn my attention to it and I've found it interesting. I keep meaning to read Margot Sunderland's books on child mental health and her recent research on cortisol levels in babies and the damage this can do, but so far have only got round to reading articles about her views. I kept nodding as I read this one about the value of co-sleeping, and how current UK culture and health policy actually goes *against* much of the available evidence.

Meeting with MP

2009-07-10T11:50:00.001-07:00

This afternoon a home educating friend and I met with our local MP to corner him about the Badman Review. I think it went as well as could be expected really. He had at least *heard* of home education before and did not need to be told the very basics. He even didn't ask about socialising or socialisation - hooray!
It seems he is already involved in putting together some kind of enquiry into the Government's current obsession with safeguarding and agreed that this had gone much too far. I think he was kind of on our side, but not for our reasons. He wants to oppose the Government on this because he has a typical Tory antipathy to 'nanny state' type legislation, and also I think to try and put one in the eye for the Government - but to some extent his agenda doesn't really matter as long as he's fighting to opose this for us.
However, he didn't seem very positive that this opposition would work. He seemed quite resigned to the fact that these proposals will be implemented, which was rather a depressing prospect.
We made all the points we had meant to - pointing out that safeguarding was a much more relevant issue within schools than within Home Ed, and that parental responsibility for child welfare still lay with parents, not with the Government. We highlighted the major problems with the report - the right of access and the interviewing children alone - and the current lack of training of EWOs and how this would only get worse if their role was extended without further training. At the end we left him with a big wodge of stuff to read - the stats, the points, the arguments - everything put together as the 'meeting an MP' pack by the Badman Review Action Group.
Will it do any good? I really don't know. He promised to keep us informed, and I'll keep corresponding with him to keep it in the forefront of his mind. I'm glad we met with him, at least we've done the best we could.

Idle opinion

2009-07-08T00:58:00.000-07:00

A timely and interesting article by Idler editor Tom Hodgkinson in The Telegraph pointing out that home education is an entirely sensible option and that Ed Balls is talking balls and that Graham Badman is, ahem, a bad man. Gosh, the people involved in this review could almost have been written by Dickens in the aptness of their names for their current roles. Anyway, due to this article, I have forgiven Tom Hodgkinson for having written books which I wanted to have written myself but which nobody would have published if I had, given that he is the editor of The Idler and I am a Nobody.

It feels really good...

2009-07-07T00:15:00.000-07:00

... to eat our own produce for tea! So far, we've had strawberries for pudding, a lasagne made with our own onions and our own courgettes, had roast potatoes which were our own potatoes with our own rosemary. I now have 2 strings of onions hanging up in the kitchen (although the first string is much depleted as we use onions so much. I think I'll have to plant even more next year now that I've worked out how to dry and store them properly!) and another lot of onions that I'm drying to dry out before I hang. Though the rain the last few days has somewhat scuppered me.

It has just been announced that our town is starting its own Transition Movement, which is great and something I had been hoping for. So, even though I am somewhat busy at the moment with setting up the Home Ed Group, doing my course, the allotment (not to mention the kids), I *have* to get involved. I totally think the Transition Towns things is a good idea, even though I'm not sure how exactly I can help. Maybe we'll become another Totnes with our own town 'money' and a plethora of locally-sourced food. Ah, I can dream!

Taken the plunge!

2009-07-04T07:20:00.000-07:00

So, after much soul-searching, research, asking people and meditating on the question, I have decided what I'm going to train as and have enrolled on the course. And what is it? Life coaching. Despite my misgivings at the California-esque, airy-fairy nature of it, it is what seemed right and what fits my skills the best. It also fits in well with some of my previous qualifications (nice to know I wasn't utterly wasting my time) such as reiki, NLP and Listening Skills. Once I'm qualified, I'm intending to set up my own practice and specialise in low-ish cost coaching for people who really need it, such as new parents, people who've been made redundant, those who want to simplify/downshift their lives. I'm not interested in business or executive coaching - I want to do purely personal coaching helping empower people to take control of their own lives and be happier. I *know* that sounds desperately new age, but I want to do it in a common sense and down-to-earth way. I know it'll take a fair while to build up a practice and will entail some self-promotion, which I'm not good at, but I think I'll enjoy the course (having spent ages researching courses) and also the work. In a few months, I may need willing victims to practise on, ahem, I mean, I'll be offering free, quality, coaching to people to build up my learning hours. I'm cautiously optimistic. It feels right, deep down. That's not to say that it will all just fall into place without any further hard work, but hopefully, I'm on the right track.

Double success

2009-07-02T08:27:00.000-07:00

Two very good things today. Firstly, we had the first meeting of our local Home Ed Group in our new hall home and it was a resounding success! Loads of families there and everyone enjoying themselves. We easily made enough money to cover the cost of the hall and the drinks supplies, and everyone was very generous with bringing bits and bobs to add to our resources. Now we're already starting to think bigger!

And the second thing is that I have another article published in The Mother magazine. If you are a subscriber, check it out, it's the article about the Highly Sensitive Family.

Heat

2009-06-29T03:28:00.000-07:00

I hate hate hate this weather. It's too hot, I'm uncomfortable and grouchy, the kids are uncomfortable and grouchy, none of us can sleep, as soon as we go outside everyone gets even more grumpy and fed-up so we are staying inside the house as much as possible - which is mad in the summer! Plus everyone's sneezing constantly. I'm all for warm, sunny days but anything over 26C is too much for us here and it is that in the house in the shade today. Walking to the station along the hot pavements reflecting back the heat and sitting on stuffy trains is torture in this weather, and don;t get me started on going shopping this morning *shudder*. And I'm going to have to cycle to the allotment every day after tea to water it as it's so dry. Just another job to add to the mix. ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!! Make it stop.

Onions!

2009-06-25T08:09:00.000-07:00

Now, I realise it's very sad to be excited about onions, but these are the first crop from our allotment this year, dried and strung, and hung up in our kitchen and so I'm very chuffed!

Solstice musings

2009-06-21T13:18:00.000-07:00

Currently, I'm finding the solstices are the festivals which resonate most with me. Change seems to be a daily occurrence here at the moment and this seems to be reflected in my feeling of affinity with those 2 most momentous changes in the year, the solstices, when the whole tide of the year turns and swings back the opposite way.
I've always felt the new year, for me, to start at the winter solstice. The return of the sun and the tide of the year turning to go out just always feels to me like the start of something. Things start to grow then, even in the depths of the winter. Tucked up in the house, the germs of ideas start in the mind just as the seeds already lie dormant in the earth, planted, but waiting for spring to burst into life. And this year this was more true than ever with our family's leap into the unknown with the ending of my husband's job in January. And so we've spent the first half of this year frantically putting plans into action, seeking inspiration, enacting new ideas and new projects. And now the tide is turning, will we see the fruits of our labours? I hope so. The tide is starting, ever so slowly at first, to return towards us. The year matures into harvest time and then consolidation and dormancy once again.
As my husband finishes his teaching course, I lead my local Home Ed Group into its new permanent home, we jointly seek new employment opportunities, my novel goes out into the world to seek an agent, I ponder ideas for re-training for myself, our allotment starts to yield its produce, and the children change in leaps and bounds in so many ways all the time - I wonder what fruits this autumn will have for us as a family.
This has been a quiet, contemplative summer solstice, and I feel I have learnt a great deal in the past year and also changed a fair amount. The noble virtue I have been meditating on most of all recently has been 'perseverance'. I am quietly confident that whatever changes we see by the winter solstice will be for the best, and that the chnaging of the next tide will bring further change and good fortune.
Summer blessings to all!

Solstice poems

2009-06-20T06:50:00.000-07:00

In honour of tomorrow's summer solstice, the children have once again been composing poems. This time, they've both composed and written out (with help with spellings!) their own poems! This is the first time my son has done his own writing, so I'm really proud of him. And here are the masterpieces, first my daughter's:

The Sun Shines So Brightly

As light as a feather it feels today
With the sun blazing down, hooray!
Oh, we enjoy the sun so much
Because it grows our plants
And we can have fun outside.
We like to play in the open air,
Oh yeah!
Hooray, we can go outside and play,
The sun is blazing down today.

And my son's:

Summer Sun

I like blueberries when it's sunny.
I like the summer solstice.
I like sunshine.

So there you have it! Happy solstice to everyone for tomorrow morning.

Conflict and balance

2009-06-18T00:30:00.000-07:00

Things are getting so busy. Working, being with the children closely and attentively enough to be able to respond to their expressed needs and interests and follow up their educational interests in a timely manner, attending to the allotment in this, the busiest time of the year. That doesn't leave much extra time, but what little I have is now being taken up with organising the Home Ed Group as we move into our own hall, and writing to MPs and such-like to fight the Badman Report (Badman take note, I have to take time away from educating my children in order to fight your stupid report on whow I'm not educating properly! Grrr). And so now, just when I'm at my busiest, with my husband doing full-time temp work while also doing a college course, a writing class and an on-going role-playing commitment, my town decideds to start up a Transition Town Movement. This is something I'm really interested in and would like to be involved in, but how much more unpaid work can I really justify when every hour I spend on that kind of thing is an hour I could have spent working for actual real money which pays the mortgage and for food? And that isn't even counting the time I spend writing and trying to get stuff published, which I justify to myself by saying that it *could* end up bringing in money for us.
I suppose the essential dilemma is the eternal parental dilemma of how to divide your time: children v paid work v creative self-expressing activities v maintaining adult relationship & friendships v voluntary community work v reading a damn good book... need I go on? Anyone got any insights into creating that essential balance? Is it harder to get that balance when you home educate? Or is it just harder if you have a lot of creative interests and want to get involved in your community?

Patience

2009-06-14T08:28:00.000-07:00

I'm not very good at being patient. I may take a long time to research things and come to decisions, but once I have decided something, I want to do NOW and I want to do it PERFECTLY. Obviously, this is entirely doomed to failure and then I get very discouraged. There are so many things right now that I want to just get doing and get finished - the allotment, finding a permanent home for our local Hme Ed group, sorting out our work/family situation, trying to get my book published - not to mention all the other ongoing stuff such as meal planning and cooking, gardening, being with the children, working...
Once again, everything takes over my brain and I can't see the wood for the trees, but I'm learning. Being on the allotment, by myself, in nice weather is helping me to slow down, to re-connect and to find a peaceful centre in myself. At first when I arrived there today I though 'oh no! All the weeds again! And I'm just not getting anywhere!' But after a few hours of rushing round like a headless chicken trying to do *all* the jobs that needed doing, all at once, I began to calm down and feel that earth energy. A bit of weeding revealed that the beetroot and leeks I had thought had not germinated were actually growing after all. The potatoes are doing fantastically. The shed is now secure and helpful. I planted out my butternut squash plants, and managed to do a fair amount of tidying. But the best thing today was seeing a nearby plot-holder and finding out about the site email contact list. One of the things we moved to this town for, almost 2 years ago now, was to put down roots and become part of the local community. When this didn't happen immediately, I lost hope and felt cross, isolated and alienated. But today, I have finally realised that it is happening, albeit slowly and gradually. I am part of the local Home Ed community, I am part of the local allotment coomunity. I am making friends through the local La Leche League. I am starting to feel at home here. It isn't happening overnight, as I'd wanted, but thre fact that it is happening has taught me something about things taking their own time, about gradual change and about my own impatience.

Badman's Report, of course

2009-06-11T07:50:00.000-07:00

Well, if there's anyone in the Home Ed community who hasn't yet read it and despaired, here is the link to Badman's Report and a real humdinger of an intrusion into private family life it is. Quite apart from the compulsory registration, there's the recommendation for the new power for LEA inspectors to have 'right of access' to home educator's homes and the right to speak to children without their parents present. Plus the usual crap about enforcing minimum standards by forcing parents to submit plans, curricula and expected achievement outcomes. I wonder what will happen if you submit 'I expect my child to be healthy, happy and curious' as a planned learning outcome? I notice he also recommends that flexi-schooling should be made easier and that exam provision should be taken on by the LEA and should be free to parents for the 'standard' exams. Which I suppose is a good thing (trying to look for the silver lining here). However, I can't pretend that I'm not utterly depressed by this report. Why should home educators register when pupils at private schools will not have to? Why are we suspected of abuse when most of these horrific (and thankfully rare) cases occur to children who are below school age anyway? Or are they going to use these recommendations as a way of opening up compulsory state access to younger children too?
I'm utterly fed up with the govt right now. They need to sort out all the stuff that is allegedly under their control before they seek to extend their powers into things which do not concern them. Where is all the money going to come from to enforce and police all these new ideas, that's what I'd like to know? I'm going to write to my MP, of course, and suggest that everyone else does too. Even those who don't home educate yourselves - if you have children, they're after you too. Fight for everyone to still have the choice. You are your child's parent, not the state.
The consultation is here so everyone get repsonding and tell the govt to butt out of your family life and how insulting and outrageous you find it that the govt wants to register home educators, dictate curriculum to them, have the right to enter their homes for no reason, and speak to their children alone without their permission.

Tolerance

2009-06-07T06:44:00.000-07:00

The news this week has seemed full of depressing stuff even more than usual. The Badman Home Ed review is due out imminently and alleged leaks from it sound truly depressing - compulsory registration and imposed minimum standards. Plus the suggestion that, due to parents' concenrs over MMR, it should be made compulsory in order to gain access to state education. Do these people listen to themselves? Do they think about the principles behind what they're suggesting and the implications? Or do they just see other people doing things they disagree with and so want to lash out and make them confirm to what they view as the 'obvious sensible choice'.
I am getting totally fed-up of the state trying to micro-manage every detail of my life. The fact that they have failed so dismally with schools recently that the level of functional illiteracy and innumeracy is at the highest level for decades, children are committing suicide due to exam pressure, and depression is at the higest level ever, suggest to me that the government may not actually be the expert on how to raise a happy and healthy child that they pretend to be. And so now they want to extend this ignorance to those of us who have opted out from the state schooling system? Yeah, right!
And don't even get me started on how abhorrent it is to even think of introducing state-enforced medical treatment, of any kind, for anyone.

Cinema

2009-05-31T07:18:00.001-07:00

Me and my husband have just been to the cinema on our own, alone! Yes, my mother-in-law has the children and we went to see Star Trek on the big screen. And wow! Firstly, I'd forgotten how much I enjoy going to the cinema - the big screen, the slightly-too-loud volume, the rustling with smuggled-in food in your lap, and the sheer spectacle of the whole thing.
Secondly, the expense! When the cashier told me how much it was for our 2 tickets I almost said 'but surely, my good man you have made a mistake, I merely want to see the film, not buy the whole cinema'. Thankfully, I managed to bite my tongue so only the merest squeak escaped.
And thirdly, what a good film. I really, thoroughly enjoyed it. Zachary Quinto was a fantastic Spock, much better than I'd imagined he would be. Spock has always been my favourite Star Trek character anyway, and this film showed his more human side, and his youthful impetuosity. I loved all the nods to previous films in it, and thought the cast had captured the spirit of the original characters whilst also enabling the whole franchise to move on.
Once upon a time I used to go to the cinema a lot, nowadays, I don't get the time, and we certainly don't have the money, but I'm not going to forget how much I enjoy it. Roll on July when the next Harry Potter film is released and I shall be pressing my mother-in-law into service once more (not that any pressing is actually required as she loves having the kids and they love going to her), and dusting off our credit card.

Rainy Days & Wednesdays

2009-05-27T06:07:00.000-07:00

What a day! I'll never understand why the kids are so awful on dull, rainy days. Of course, I am also very much affected by the weather but even as a child I was happy to curl up cosily indoors with a book or my toys on rainy days. This morning we had tears, tantrums, shouting and fighting before 9am, and even on a sunny day we wouldn't have gone out before that anyway, so why should this morning have been any different?
On Wednesdays, my parents come over for the day which the children always look forward too, but it's been awful today - both children are being very demanding, upsettable, tantrum-y, intolerant and over-reactive, and despite the combined and very patient efforts of me and my mum, it's been just awful. After lunch (which usually cheers everyone up!), things deteriorated even more so we went for the fall-back option in dire circumstances - a walk. It was pouring down but this isn't usually a problem, in fact I often try to restrain the kids slightly from going out in the pouring rain. Of course, today, there was a chorus of crying and screaming 'we hate the rain!' and my daughter grumpily insisted on going out with bare legs and sandals. That'll punish me. We dragged them on a favourite walk for 45 minutes, and it does seem to have worked slightly. At least they're bickering more quietly now and the adults now have a cup of tea. My parents will be leaving in about an hour and I think we might actually survive once they've gone now.
I hate these days, they make me doubt everything - my way of parenting, the basic sweetness of my children, our method of education, my decision to be a stay-at-home mum - everything. Let's hope for better weather.

Recipes wanted!

2009-05-24T07:20:00.000-07:00

Has anyone got any recipes for making crackers (or can point me to some online, UK not US measurements) - all kinds - cream crackers, butter puffs as well as posh ones with seeds and garlic and stuff in. The kids are really into crackers right now and I want to make my own, but I just can't find any recipes!

Also, does anyone know how to make rich tea biscuits? The only recipes for rich teas I can find online are referring to a more traditional cakey-style of rich tea, not the hard kind you get in shops which is what I'm after.

Thanks!

Back from holiday

2009-05-24T02:36:00.000-07:00

Holidays are funny things, I always come back in an odd mood. Even before having the children I found holidays a rather 2 edged sword. They're supposed to be the most relaxing and fun thing ever but I've always found them also unsettling and stressful. I'm not a good traveller and the best holidays I've had have been close to home. Adding children to the mix gives them a whole new dimension. My daughter also finds holidays equally as stressful as exciting and managing her moods and needs is a full-time job in itself. However, my mum and dad did sterling work in having the kids in their caravan quite a bit, as well as helping us dig extensive earthworks on the beach, so we did manage some relaxation and couple alone time.
Even on a self-catering holiday there many compromises to make - we were unable to compost any food waste which felt really unnatural and wasteful; the kitchen was fully equipped with expensive coffe machines and smoothie makers but lacked many really basic items such as roasting tins, cake tins, mixing bowls etc which made it impossible to make bread or cakes, or things such as yorkshire puddings and even roast potatoes. This limited our food choices quite drastically and felt quite stressful as I tried to make healthy and ethical choices for meals for us all, and still ended up with chips more often than we'd had in the previous whole month put together. On the other hand, as it was a small village, we were able to shop for fresh food from local greengrocers and bakeries each day.
The weather was changeable but the children enjoyed digging on the beach every day whether it was in swimming costumes or cagoules. I watched as they played endless digging and building games, with my parents also totally absorbed and thought, yes, this is how I want things to be.
And, as always, I've come up with a list of things to change when we got back - some to help preserve that more relaxing holiday mood, and some which getting a bit of distance from our everyday life helped me to see:

get steel water canteens rather than re-using plastic bottles (already ordered).
stop feeling I have to rush everywhere.
look into making my own crackers.
get veg and fruit from the farmer's market every month.
properly throw myself into organising our home ed group.
tend the allotment more often.
stop stressing about money so much and trust things will work out.
take the children to stay with my parents more often.
look into camping weekends.
stop feeling guilty about everything!
de-clutter.

Off on holiday!

2009-05-14T12:43:00.001-07:00

Eek, I think I've packed the right things. Anyway, ready or not, we're off tomorrow for nice simple bucket-and-spade holiday at the seaside, back in a week. I'll respond to any messages and emails then (especially yours Laura, deserves a good long reply!).

22 Pieces of Me

2009-05-10T01:44:00.000-07:00

Don't normally do these meme things, but having been tagged by Cave Mother I thought I would do this one:

1. What are your current obsessions?
Working out how much money we've got and if it's enough to live on!

2. Which item from your wardrobe do you wear most often?
Black trousers.

3. Last dream you had?
Last night I had a very confusing dream, all I can remember is that I was living in a tent and an old schoolfriend I haven't seen or thought of for years was there and we were talking about children. I dream a lot, very vividly and often remember my dreams.

4. Last thing you bought?
A Cadbury's Creme egg (oh the shame!). I usually only buy fairtrade chocolate, but this was an emergency.

5. What are you listening to?
My children blithering on about how they'd arrange the school they're going to run when they're older. Which would be interesting as they're home educated themselves.

6. If you were a god/goddess who would you be?
Hestia - goddess of hearth and home.

7. Favourite holiday spots?
Cornwall, Sussex, New Forest.

8. Reading right now?
I'm re-reading The Children Of The New Forest by Captain Marryat which I haven't read since I was a child.

9. Four words to describe yourself.
Intense, passionate, idealistic, organised.

10. Guilty pleasure?
Chocolate.

11. Who or what makes you laugh until you’re weak?
Being silly with my husband.

12. Favourite spring thing to do?
Climbing a hill and seeing the green view.

13. When you die, what would you like people to say about you at your funeral?
“She made a real difference to me."

14. Best thing you ate or drank lately?
Some baby plum tomatoes from our local Farmer's Market. They were gorgeous, like a tomato should really taste.

15. When did you last go for a night out?
Hmm, a night out, not since January 2003. But I often go out during the day.

16. Favourite ever film?
I can't ever choose just one favourite film, book or whatever - there are so many and it depends on my mood. I like light, amusing films.

17. Care to share some wisdom?
People, not things.

18. Song you can’t get out of your head?
Lily Allen's latest is plaguing me recently. I hate it though.

19. Thing you are looking forward to?
Going on holiday next week.

20. Favourite vegetable?
Mushrooms.

21. What is your most irrational fear?
Being sick.

22. Anything you regret?
My first marriage.

Award!

2009-05-10T01:34:00.000-07:00

Ooh, I got an award from Sue and I would like to display the award image but I can't seem to make it work. Thank you very much anyway, it's nice to know people are reading!

Keep calm and carry on

2009-05-09T10:24:00.000-07:00

The government have been reviving various wartime slogans to deal with the various crises currently underway, such as 'coughs and sneezes spread diseases' but my favourite has to be 'keep calm and carry on'. What a fantastic slogan! It covers pretty much every eventuality and I can't think of one situation where it wouldn't be applicable or helpful. And the best bit is, if you have a load of spare cash (does anyone?), you can now buy a load of products bearing this helpful reminder from here. Every home should have one of the posters around somewhere, probably on the kitchen wall - that's where I'm apt to lose my cool the most. All together everyone - keep calm and carry on. Can't you just imagine a clipped, BBC accented, wartime bloke saying it? Don't you feel better already?

Is home education on the rise?

2009-05-06T00:45:00.001-07:00

I know that much of the media is convinced that home education is on the rise and I'm starting to wonder if, for a change, what they say might actually be true. These last few weeks in particular I ahve had so many asking me about home education with a view to doing it themselves. We've had various new people at our local Home Ed group but I didn't think too much of it - most of them were already home educating but had only just found the group. But now I've spoken to at least 4 families in the last month alone who either have children at school or preschool who they are considering home educating instead, or who are deciding on the educational method for children under school age.
It's heartening for me, because the more home educators there are in the area, the more potential we have to become a vibrant area for home educated children, with a variety of skills and experience to offer and hopefully enough people to make up lots of different social and educational groups, meetings and outings. It really does say something about the complete loss of confidence so many parents have in our school system that even here in a very conventional and traditional area, so many parents are taking what can often seem like such a bold step. I shall be watching this space eagerly over the next few years.

What Mothers Do

2009-05-05T08:19:00.000-07:00

Having been to a La Leche League meeting today in which people were kind enough to compliment my mothering skills and my children, and remembering from What Mothers Do: Especially When it Looks Like Nothing how easy it is to underestimate all the stuff you do as a parent, I thought I'd revisit the goals I set for our family life in January and see how we're doing.

Succeeding at making at least 80% of the family's bread, cakes, biscuits and other such products.
Succeeding in keeping the Home Education Group I helped set up last summer going from strength to strength.
Succeeding in keeping on top of our allotment plot and garden - and have in fact planted 3 varieties of potatoes, carrots, parsnips, beetroots, leeks and Jerusalem Artichokes at the allotment, and strawberries, blueberries, raspberries, herbs, apples, pears, cobnuts, tomatoes, cucumbers, courgettes and French beans at home.
Succeeding in keeping my part-time work going and contributing a useful amount to the household income.
Succeeding in supporting my husband through his career change and re-training.
Still attempting to decide on what I want to re-train as.
Currently sorting out some submissions to agents of my recently-completed novel.
My daughter is now reading fluently, my son starting to read and we're keeping up making special times of the day to read longer books to them both.
Succeeding in branching out in our day-trips out to further afield and longer days - even though my son is slightly struggling with this as it really tires him out.
Succeeding in cutting the food and household budget while still providing nutritious meals mainly cooked from scratch.

The trouble is that as soon as you achieve a goal it becomes the normal thing you do, so you end up doing more and more without realising how much you do, and then wonder why you feel tired, have no spare time, and haven't added any new goals in a while. So this is a totally boastful post to remind myself of how much I actually do! Hurray for mum everywhere!

Socialism and mid-life crises

2009-05-04T05:40:00.000-07:00

Well, only one mid-life crisis and thankfully not mine but comedian, socialist and general political pundit, Mark Steel's in his new book What's Going On?: The Meanderings of a Comic Mind in Confusion which I have just finished reading. It was a weird read - some parts of it I utterly related to, such as Steel's confusion about how the world has changed so that people think you're mad, naive and a bit stupid if you suggest that things could ever be run on any other basis than profit. It really brought home to me how insidious this mind-set is, as he reminded us how things used to be run differently and how many other ways of doing things there actually are.
It was also terribly sad to hear of the gradual disintegration of his relationship with the mother of his children and how this coincided with him turning 40 and questioning so much of his life up until that point. It made me very glad that I am not having to deal with that at least.
Unlike Steel, I'd never joined a political party or believed that party politics was remotely helpful - maybe this is because I'm that little bit younger than Steel, as he discusses in the book how anyone younger than 30 (I'm not that young!) genuinely doesn't understand the entire concept of socialism. Steel charts the rise of protest, not organised by specific political parties but on an issue-by-issue basis, and how people are reluctant to join an actual party as they distrust the apparatus of party politics, and how this maybe dilutes the opposition to the current government. He also admits that protest and dissent has changed, that the internet plays a bigger role than he ever thought possible.
Some parts of it clanged with me though - ironically, right about the time that Steel was decrying all the splits, schisms and in-fighting amongst the Left, he was still propagating this himself in his little digs against those of us whose preoccupation is green issues rather than trade unions, or who choose to live in rural or small towns rather than in cities. His implication seemed to be that wanting to eat fresh local food was a very middle class desire with no place in Left-leaning politics, which is a shame. I really think that if the remnants of the Left got together with the Greens, it could be rather interesting. Again it was particularly ironic as Steel also pointed out how the role of class has changed with regard to Left politics, and how definitions of class have themselves changed. I can understand that if you were a 1980s striking miner, organic food might seem to be a rather lah-di-dah concept, but this is ignoring the fact that organics and permaculture and many other green movements which are now much more mainstream were developing amongst the same counterculture as the union-dominated Left of that time.
However, that criticism apart, Mark Steel is a hugely knowledgeable and vastly entertaining writer and speaker and even though this book has you chuckling at least every other line, it also feels like you're being educated. It's a bit like a discussion with an older and wiser friend, it has you laughing and nodding and generally feeling validated. Well, it did for me anyway, if you were a supporter of Margaret Thatcher, you may not enjoy it quite so much. I can't help but think Mark Steel would be a fun person to go down the pub with.

Beltane activities

2009-04-29T12:59:00.000-07:00

Our week of Beltane activities has so far included gardening, baking, a trip to the allotment, and yesterday a trip out to a local beauty spot, which was fantastic. There was wild garlic everywhere which smelled gorgeous and looked lovely with its flowers out. The May was already out on the most of the Hawthorn we passed, so Beltane is well and truly here. We took out picnic and ate it on the top of the hill in the sunshine (though it was a bit breezy) and I just thought 'this is it, this is why we do things the way we do'. For a short time, me and my son and daughter were totally in tune with each other and our surroundings, enjoying the beauty and the green-ness of nature. Here's a couple of shots:

Conflicted

2009-04-27T00:45:00.000-07:00

My husband has gone off to work this morning for the first day in a 2 week temp job. It's weird - this should have been good news, we certainly need the money, but we were both fairly miserable about it. It feels so right having him home - having the whole family in one place, in our home, all pulling together to grow things, cook things, educate the children, and have time for our own creative projects. It was working really well with us all here, and now we go back to that old 'one at work' and 'one at home' dichotomy with all the discontent, resentment and misunderstanding that it can bring.

OK, so it's only for 2 weeks and we may yet find something which fits in better in the long-term, but for some reason I find myself utterly miserable this morning. As if, this is it, we tried and our experiment failed and the only option now is to go back to wife at home full-time, husband at work full-time complete conventionality. Part of me wants to run off to live in a yurt just as reaction to the idea. Which isn't a very reasoned

and logical response.

I guess maybe some small part of me was hoping that the universe would provide an opportunity - one of those lucky breaks that inspires you to believe you're on the right path and someone somewhere is smoothing the way for you (not that we've ever experienced much of that, now I come to think of it!). Or maybe we're not on the right path after all?

I suppose we just have to keep on trying, try again harder. But I am weary this morning, watching the rain pouring down on a Monday morning, and after such a lovely week last week too.

Oh well, here's a lovely picture of the green opposite our house last week before the council mowed it all down. Make a good jigsaw puzzle, I thought!

Compost

2009-04-20T12:22:00.001-07:00

Am I the only person to get really excited when the compost you've spent months making is actually ready and you can lift up the compost bin and dig out rich, dark, crumbly compost onto your veg beds? (OK, call me sad but this post is a hymn to compost, so please feel free to skip it if this seems unbearably dull.)
This is what we've been doing this afternoon and I was unfeasibly excited about it as it's the first time we've been able to do this. The bin is quite large and it's been rotting away in there for over a year since we first filled it after moving here (we've got 2 bins - one to add to and one to leave alone). And at our old house we didn't have any beds to spread it on, so we just had to keep adding to the one bin and never actually use the fruits of our labours.
The children were also qute excited and we spent some happy time digging it all out and spreading it. My son particularly enjoyed bashing up any intact pieces of egg shell very enthusiastically. And I just thought 'wow, all this would have gone into land-fill if we hadn't collected it and composted it, and now it's actually useful to add nutrients to the soil, to deter slugs due to all the sharp bits of egg shell (thanks, son!), and to mulch and help prevent weeds!' It seems particularly fitting since it is almost Beltaine, in fact it seemed like a sacred task. You can't get much more earthy and fertile than compost.
Hurrah for compost!

Water

2009-04-19T02:08:00.000-07:00

My meditations and dreams seem to have been connected with water a lot recently which is unsual for me. I'm not really someone who feels that comfortable in water, although I was brought up near a river and do love to sit by the sea and find watching water soothing. But in the meditations, I have been working underwater, or protecting a spring buried deep inside a wood or even in the middle of a house. I'm presuming this image, for me, refers to the 'flow' of life, in a Taoist kind of way, and is pointing me towards trying to find and go with this flow in my current situation.

I'm finding it particularly odd as Beltaine is coming up and everything usually feels very earthy for me at this time of year. Has anyone else had any unusual or persistent water-related dreams? Any thoughts or insights?

Thoughts

2009-04-14T00:54:00.000-07:00

I've just read Expecting Adam: A True Story of Birth, Transformation and Unconditional Love
by Martha Beck, the author of Finding Your Own North Star: How to Claim the Life You Were Meant to Live a life-coaching book which I actually found enjoyable and helpful to read.

Expecting Adam is her memoir of her pregnancy with her second child, a son who turned out to have Down's Syndrome and who completely changed her life. The book tells of a really mad and chaotic time and just reading it made me feel exhausted. Beck went from being a neurotic, repressed, super-high-achieving Harvard academic to starting to see life from a completely different perspective during the time she was expecting her son.

I have often heard people say they had their baby speak to them while pregnant, or that the baby told them its own name or other things like that. Despite knowing myself from my own pregnancies how much you can get to know about your baby before they are born, I never had such specific experiences and wondered if they could possibly be real. I think that after reading this book, I can understand that some children bring such experiences with them.

As Beck said, her mystical experiences with Adam are because of *him* - he brings them with him and they are incidental to him having Down's, which was a whole different part of the book. In fact, the parts that discussed his Down's horrified me. I know her experience was in 1987, but the language used horrified my 21st century sensibilities. The book often used the word 'retarded', and every single medical person she encountered advised her to have a late abortion when the condition was diagnosed. It is very much to her credit that she refused, despite the immense pressure she was subjected to, and despite the hugely misleading and downright wrong information she was given on the subject of Down's (referred to by the medical professionals she saw as 'Mongoloid Idiotism'!)

It is a sad indictment of the world when a world-respected research centre such as Harvard has such eugenic attitudes about the value of human beings. I can only hope that attitudes have changed there since.

This book was utterly bizarre. At points I was crying, at others I thought Martha had really lost her marbles. Some parts I found hard to believe and I cringed at others. But the bottom line is that, for anyone who has ever been pregnant and given birth, it is fasincating to read detailed accounts of other people's experiences of pregnancy and birth, and this is no exception.

Green fingers

2009-04-08T07:58:00.000-07:00

Lots of work done at the allotment and in the garden today. The allotment now has loads of over-wintering onions, 6 Jersualem artichokes, plus 3kg of early potatoes, several rows of carrots and 3kg of maincrop potatoes. We'll need to remove the tarpaulin that's been covering part of the plot since the autumn, see what's underneath and then prepare it so we can plant the late maincrop potatoes, more carrots, leeks, parsnips and anything else I think of at the time!
In the back garden, we've extended the strawberry patch so the runners can spread further and make lots more plants, planted lots of peas, and weeded the herbs, raspberries and blueberry bush. The children have also planted lots of different old flower seeds into pots to see what comes up, and I'm tending to 2 courgette plants in pots and awaiting some cucumber, French bean and tomato plants to start in pots.
So, all in all, a very green-fingered day - well, hopefully! I have to say I'm not really a natural or a very technical gardener. If I had to describe my approach it would be: just bung it in and hope for the best. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. What the hell! At least the children enjoyed the planting today and it was lovely to be out in the sunshine. And hopefully some lovely, organic, home-grown food in a few months.

Optimism

2009-04-04T01:09:00.000-07:00

Right, after a whole week of whingeing, I'm trying to think of some things which *are* going right and which I should focus on more than all the things that are difficult and complicated:

- all family and friends are healthy.
- the children are generally happy, healthy, and get on with each other (except when they don't, of course!).
- we finally got the last of the carpet dug out of our allotment plot this week.
- my husband and I love each other as much as ever and totally support each other always.
- my parents and my husband's mum are always there to help us; I can't imagine how we'd cope without them.
- we have a roof over our heads (at the moment!).
- we have some savings to fall back on.
- I have a flexible job I can do at home while being with the kids, even if it doesn't pay well.
- we are hopefully starting to make new friends in the local area.
- our old friends, although not close by, are always there for a chat.
- Summer's on its way.
- there are no doubt many ideas still out there to find.
- the novel I'm currently working on is almost finished, then we'll try to get it published - eek!
- I'm sure there's loads more good stuff but I can't think of it right now (due to my son deciding that 4.15am is a good time to get up in the morning. I don't agree).

Remembering the title of my blog - honour is something I'm used to thinking about a lot and I try to do everything with honour. Inspiration is something more tricky, sometimes I get bogged down in everyday life or complicated situations and I forget about inspiration. So for the next week I'm going to be actually seeking inspiration in every way I can. By counting blessings, by being out in nature, by planting things to grow, by nurturing my children, writing my book and generally dwelling on the creative, the powerful, the uplifting. Maybe then my subconscious will come up with the solutions I've been looking for. That's the plan anyway...

What is work?

2009-03-31T07:41:00.000-07:00

I've been wondering what work is recently? The definition, I mean, of paid work and its meaning for us all, individually and as part of society. Bear with me, this might be a bit of a ramble as I try to sort my thoughts out.
Like many people of a thoughtful disposition, I've found working for a living stressful quite often, and I know this to be because I've never found paid work which really fits with my personality, skills, and values. So, that's what I'm trying to do now. I need to work for money (sadly) and so I want o find work which fits as much as possible with my values and skills, so that I find it more fulfilling and less stressful.
A book I've been reading recently differentiates between a 'job', 'occupation', 'career', and 'vocation' with job being what you do to pay the rent, occupations something you are slightly more invested in, a career something you put more of yourself into and get more out of, and a vocation being something you'd do anyway, even if you weren't being paid for it.
So, should we all be holding out for 'vocation'-type paid work? Is this realistic? If it isn't, why isn't it and could it ever be realistic?
It's not that I'm a work-shy layabout. I work very hard all day every day - I home educate my children and nurture them with love, food, rest and everything else I think they need. I create a home, I put a lot into my relationship with my husband and our families and friends. I cook, clean, grow food and look after the cat. Does this count as work? I do it for love not money.
I also write - I do this often, whether I'm paid for it or not although I'd love to be paid for it. So is this work? Or is it only work if I'm paid? I can't really think that the definition of work has to include payment, and yet that is what it seems to be in the general society definition. I can't help but think that this is part of the problem - work and paid-work have become two separate things, quite often two opposing things, pulling in opposite directions. It's all part of that whole work/family split that is the norm now but never was in the past until the advent of the Industrial Revolution.
I feel as if I'm pulling against my instincts so much of the time just trying to make our life work in the framework that the 21st century imposes on it, and I don't think I'm quite brave enough to drop out entirely from that framework. I don't think I even want to drop out entirely from our society - I want to be part of a community and I want to live among other people. I'm just feeling this clash every day and it sets my teeth on edge all the time, so there's this background stress that I can't filter out and it makes it harder to make every other decision as my true instincts get lost in all this white noise.

Musing again

2009-03-30T08:40:00.000-07:00

I'm musing again on future careers. But once again, everything seems to need proper training and that costs money and time - neither of which I'm blessed with in abundance. If only I knew which was the right path to go down, it would be worth making an investment of time and money (well, if we actually had the money to invest that is!). But how do I know which is the right way to go? There's so many things I'm interested in and if only I could do one of them without any further training, I would like a shot. But all of them seem to need training that costs £1000-£1500 which may not be a huge amount in the long run, but is a very large amount to us.
There's several things that I would like to do as a career if I could just get on with them right now and not have to go through a period of a year or two's training. After all, I have to consider the children - they are and will be my first priority for some time to come yet.
There's just too many variables and too many options. I hate to be hemmed in with no choices, but on the other hand I freeze up and can't function in the presence of too much choice. How picky I am! It seems very scary to spend £1500 and a year of my (and the children's) lives on something that I can't be certain will be the fulfilling and interesting career I'm looking for at the end of it all.
It seems that the NCT antenatal teacher is not a option for the moment at least as the training very definitely includes several residential weekends away which is not an option for my family right now. Maybe a few years down the line, but not right now. So that's out. I looked into training as a life coach but that didn't quite seem right either. And also cost at least £1500 and up to £4000 for training (eek!). So that's out too. So, reflexology is another option which I've considered at various points in my life but not ever actually made a firm decision on. Again, it costs about £1500 and would take about a year of going up to central London for Saturdays, or Sundays (about 1 or 2 a month for 9 or 10 months) and only being back for H's bedtime (well, a bit after actually). I'm a bit unsure. In fact, I'm a lot unsure. Maybe I should just stick with the minimum wage online work I'm already doing for a while. After all, until my husband does his course and finds work, we don't know where we are with either time or money and the chances are we won't actually have the money for a reflexology course anyway.
Or maybe there's another job option out there that I haven't considered. Probably. Maybe I'll keep on looking for a while longer. But how will I know when I find the right thing? Should I be expecting some sort of thunderbolt or 'falling in love' type feeling? Or would I wait a lifetime and still not get that? Bearing in mind that I already know where my passion lies and that's in writing. (Which I am also still trying to make a go of.)
Argh, too many options, too many thoughts. If only I had a bottle of cooking sherry, I'd be on that while I cooked tea, but as I haven't, I'd better go and cook tea sober.

That conversation

2009-03-24T12:32:00.000-07:00

We've been having a lot of discussion about sex in our household recently - usually in the bath or on the train (I'm sure we've amused many a fellow train passenger!) and I have to share Where Willy Went with you all as it is hilarious and also gets the information across. It's all about the 300 million sperm who live in Mr Browne preparing for the Great Egg Race, and the hero Willy, a sperm who isn't very good at sums but is very good at swimming. This book is regularly requested at bed-time and sometimes provokes questions and at other times just enjoyment of the story and characters. But either way, it's been a very good book to have around.

Off-grid

2009-03-23T13:29:00.001-07:00

I've been reading How to Live Off-grid and have been absolutely fascinated. This book has had a lot of criticism and probably an equal amount of praise, but I found it interesting and inspiring. In it, the author treks around the UK in a cusomised camper van visiting off-grid families, individuals and communities and chats to them about how they manage their lifestyle, what works, what doesn't work, the problems and successes they've had. The main criticism of the book is that the author is a middle-class wannabe off-gridder rather than the real deal, but I don't really see this as a problem. He never pretends to be otherwise. He reiterates throughout the book that his main motivation for seeking this information is not for environmental reasons and that he could only ever be a part-timer in this lifestyle. These things do not make his research any the less valid in my opinion. The people he visits are pretty inspirational. Even in the instances where things have not worked out or where they would do things differently if they had to start over, they are trailblazers, unafraid to do things differently and outside the mainstream, and those of us in a firmly-entrenched on-grid life can still learn a few things and maybe make a few changes without having to buy a woodland in Wales.
I found the views expressed in the book by various experts and non-experts on the likelihood of grid break-down scary, eye-opening and interesting and it has given me quite a few starting places for a wish-list of items to install if we ever have any spare money (yeah, right!). It has also reassured me that in the case of a catastrophic break-down on on-grid power and water services, it is still possible to survive and thrive.
All in all, I found this a fascinating and informative read with lots of handy information and interesting glimpses into the lives of people who have dared to be different in a way I'm not sure I'd have the guts (or knowledge) to do. I'd highly recommend it.

Spring Equinox

2009-03-20T07:54:00.000-07:00

We've been out to a birthday party this morning and played in the sunshine which is a perfect way of celebrating, but yesterday we finished off our spring daffodils. We also made the vases to stand them in and they are now cheering up the children's bedrooms. These are my daughter's daffodils:

And these are my son's:

And I learned a lesson in how limited my thinking still is. For some crazy reason, I assumed we'd make yellow daffodils. After all, if you do this activity in school or nursery you'd put out yellow paper and yellow paint and everyone would do yellow daffodils. But of course, my children wanted to do their own kind of daffodils, which for my son meant red, blue and green daffodils and for my daughter meant mainly yellow, orange, red and pink. And it worked really well. And I felt really silly for literally not thinking of any colour except yellow! It does make me wonder if I'm missing something equally totally obvious in our everyday life because I'm just so used to thinking of things a certain way that I'm not seeing a different way.

Equinox crafts

2009-03-17T12:08:00.000-07:00

With the Spring Equinox coming up in the early morning of 20 March, the children and I have been starting our Equinox crafts.

So here is my daughter's Equinox bunnies:

And my son's:

And their sun pictures - my daughter's is at the bottom and is a 'great big summer sun', my son's it at the top and is, according to the artist 'the middle of the sun, swirling with hot gas'!

We have also been making daffodils out of egg boxes (of course!) but they're not finished yet, and we went to the Children's Farm this morning and saw the tiny lambs and little kids (goats, not children) as well as baby rabbits. It was great and lovely weather too.

On another note, am I the only person who regularly has cereal in the cupboard merely in its waxed plastic inner bag as the outer box has ben removed due to urgent craft need?

The funny things they say

2009-03-13T07:50:00.000-07:00

Overheard today as my son and daughter were supposed to be tidying up the living room from my son: "well, I'm the boss you see, and bosses stand and tell other people how to do the job...". Nice try, son.

And an example of why you should always ask the context before answering a child's question. My son asked me "what's a cannibal, Mummy?". I, fresh from re-reading Willard Price's Cannibal Adventure (not to the children just for my own pleasure!), gave an explanation of people eating other people, and how different species can be cannibals if they eat members of their own species. My son looked thoughtful, then said "but why are they so heavy though?". Now we were both confused. Further questioning shed light: he meant a *cannonball*. I had been wondering where he'd heard about cannibals...

Allotment update

2009-03-11T08:48:00.001-07:00

Today we went to the allotment for the first time this year and I was pleasantly surprised. I was dreading going as I half-expected that it would have gone all overgrown again, but actually it was fine. It's a rectangluar plot roughly divided into equal 6ths and the 6th that we'd covered with a tarpaulin was fine, the tarpaulin hadn't blown away or anything. The 6th we'd managed to dig over and mulch and manure properly was also fine with hardly any weeds. The 6th with the overwintering onions (also lightly mulched) was also pretty good with just a few weeds and the onions starting off nicely. So, a good half of the whole plot was fine and needed hardly any attention.
We've got a month until Good Friday and the planting of the potatoes starts, so I'm going to try and get the rest dug and weeded in that time - including getting rid of the rest of the damned carpet!!!
But all, in all, a good morning's work and feeling quite positive about the allotment this year.

£1 a day?

2009-03-10T07:11:00.000-07:00

I've just read How I Lived a Year on Just a Pound a Day which has been a thought-provoking read. Author Kath Kelly discovered why it is that the poorest memmbers of our society are the fattest even as she walked miles to avoid paying for public transport.
Her challenge isn't one that many people could pull off. I feel she was very lucky in where she lived (Bristol) as there seemed to be free events, receptions, shows and openings every night of the week, all of which provided free food and wine. There certainly aren't so many free events in my neck of the woods, and I couldn't use them to feed the children! Also, she hitch-hikes a lot and I wouldn't feel safe doing that. She constantly reiterates that she was safe doing it, but I can't help but think that every person who has ever been murdered hitch-hiking presumed they were safe until the fateful encounter where they weren't safe.
I also have a few problems with buying elderly and reduced fresh food from the supermarkets - everyone knows (don't they?) that vitamin content is hugely reduced in fresh produce the older it is, so I think it's actually a false economy to buy that kind of thing when discounted. Obviously, this doesn't apply to all produce and I'm the first to buy other kinds of discounted products.
I did enjoy the book though. The author is likeable and some of her money-saving ideas are interesting, and the whole idea is quite inspiring. I felt slightly sick that she managed to find over £117 in lost cash over the course of the year of her challenge (I've never managed to find that much, people are obviously richer in Bristol!). And, as she herself pointed out, if you're trying to spend as little as possible then you can't buy organic, fair trade or ethical. For me, this is unacceptable. And all the free samples she manages to blag of toiletries and household cleaning products are full of chemicals which I'd never use on myself, the children or around my home, even if they were free or only cost 10p. But the whole book is very good at helping you see what your own priorities (and extravagances) are, and on the whole I'd recommend it as a good read, and one which makes you think.

4th birthday!

2009-03-07T11:18:00.000-08:00

So, it was my son's 4th birthday today which went as well as could be expected. He got loads of great presents, nothing hideous, and saw lots of family. It all got too much for him and my daughter once each during the course of the day, which was pretty much as expected, and he's asleep now, exhausted from the day, while Daddy's putting our daughter to bed. Then we can relax!
As promised, a picture of the train cake, made this time by my own fair hands, based on a design from a Jane Asher cake book:

It is very difficult to get the balance right with a birthday cake. We don't usually go overboard on sugar and they never have sweets, but for a one-off I didn't want to be a spoilsport. I left out the food colouring completely (the original Jane Asher cake was green!) as I didn't think that added anything to the enjoyment factor, and toned down the use of sweets to decorate quite considerably. It is tricky to make fun-shaped cakes without colouring and decoration though.
And so I'm musing on my son's birth and how different it was to my daughter's. One of the things which sticks in my mind the most is how lovely it was to be in bed half an hour after he was born, with him in the crook of one arm, feeding, while eating beans on toast with the other hand. It was the first meal I had actually enjoyed for 9 months and the first time I hadn't felt nauseous in that same time and it was heavenly! I can recommend a homebirth wholeheartedly.